My Testimony

I was born in Virginia in 1982 and I moved to Texas when I was four years old. My parents had gotten a divorce that year and I lived with my dad until he broke his leg playing softball so I was sent to live with my grandmother. Things were going pretty good there. I had gotten enrolled at school that same year and pretty much I had gotten around okay. I had to repeat my 1st grade year due to lack of attendance however and that following year was a pain because I got picked on a lot from the guys because I hung around the girls almost all the time. Then my second grade year came around and I think that's when I heard about God and Jesus. I was eager to learn about Them because I knew that They loved me and that God had made Heaven and I thought that I'd go there when I die. Well, when one of my brother's friends was still living in Glen Rose, my brother and I spent the night at his house one Saturday and I went to church with them the next morning. Sunday school was all right, but I didn't think I could stay awake during the sermon. Well, because of that, I stopped going after that. Every time I spent the night on a Saturday, I'd ask them to drop me off at my house so I could go and play video games. Well, my brother's friend moved away and I was never invited to church until some time and I went along with the thought that I'd go to Heaven when I die because I thought of myself as a good kid and that I was never really mean to anybody. Well, those things started a change my seventh grade year. I began to make friends with the wrong crowd but it wasn't really that bad until my eighth grade year when I just thought that I couldn't live without these guys. Most of the guys I hung out with were the kind that wanted to do dope and drink and have sex and all that other junk. I never really smoked or anything, but I did have a craving for alcohol and I wanted a girlfriend that year and for all the wrong reasons too. I wanted a girl that would go to bed with me and all that. And to be honest with you, I think that's the reason why I was so generous and nice to them that year. There was this one girl that I had a crush on that, gosh, I gave her everything I had, from money to candy, but she never did like me more than a friend. During that time, I found some Playboy magazines in numerous spots in my house and I don't know where they came from, but I kept them in my room until my grandmother found them and I had gotten in real big trouble. When that failed, I turned to HBO late at nights and watched all the trash that was on that channel and even taped some of the movies, but I had gotten in trouble because of that too. I had done a lot of other bad stuff along the way, like trespassing onto other people's property, prank calling the local bar, sneaking out late at night with my brother and one of his friends, and the stupidest of all, I tried to start a gang. Not a gang that wanted to kill people and all that, well, at least not me but I had some friends who wanted to be in the gang who was the type that people thought wanted to kill people, but just a minor type gang, heck, I don't think it was ever a gang. We were called the Raiders and what we did for fun was that we raided other people's property late at night and just do stupid stuff. We didn't do much, heck, I didn't do anything and I was the leader, and I guess overall, only two members did anything. Well, then it got boring so I called it off and the Raiders "gang" no longer existed. All this stuff I got into changed some people's thoughts about me while others still thought I was a nice, little goody two shoes that I was when I was younger. I didn't really like it because I had changed so much that I just lost the little goody two shoes title and didn't really become a bad, bad, boy, but I just wasn't such a nice guy either. I was suicidal that year because of not having a girlfriend and not to mention my grandparents and my brother always getting on my nerves so bad that who knew what I'd do, plus I never really cared about my grades, but I wanted to stay in activities like One-Act Play and when I got kicked out because of my ineligibility, I was really down in the dumps. Also, one of my friends at the time, he and his girlfriend, who I also had a crush on, were thinking about committing suicide and I just didn't think that I could live without them, or any of my friends, so I thought that if they did that, then I'd do it too. I've had thoughts of running away with some of my friends to either Mexico or Virginia (man, all talk and no brains) and I was thinking about killing myself if we had been caught. Well, the running away never came and I finished my eighth grade year and wasn't really looking forward to high school. I loved all the "fun" that I had in eighth grade when I didn't get in trouble and I just thought that high school was going to be a pain in the butt. Also, that summer I noticed that I wasn't feeling right. Something was missing because I felt so empty inside that I didn't really know if I was living or not, heck, I didn't feel like living. My freshman year in high school came around and I liked being a freshman. All the upperclassmen treated me nicely and then I met a guy named Steven Rhodes in Band. He and I gotten to talk to each other and then we became real good friends. I was still suicidal that year because of the same reasons. I hardly changed from my eighth grade year and the only difference was that when I had problems, I'd talk to Steven about it and he tried to help me, unlike my friends in junior high where if I told them a problem I had, they'd try to help me out, but in somewhat of a bad way, I guess you could say. Steven also helped me a lot in Band because I had problems with putting on my band uniform and he helped me a bunch in marching that I started liking marching band because back in junior high when we had to march at football games, I'd always stay home and make excuses of why I wasn't at the football game. Steven also talked me out of committing suicide and that's when he started talking to me a little bit about God. I later found out that he and I were both in Hep Kats which is an activity where people get together and make signs to support our athletics team and such. Well, one night after we had gotten done, I was sitting outside waiting for my grandmother to come pick me up and Steven came outside and sat and talked with me. Then he asked me this question, "have I been saved?" Well, I didn't know what he meant so he explained to me how much God loved me so much that He sent Jesus Christ to this earth to die on a cross in my place for my sins and I really liked that. One Wednesday night Steven came by my house and invited me to church. He told me earlier about some girls who went there, few of whom I developed a crush on. I went with him and I liked it. I participated in talking about God and I even prayed with the youth group, but I think I was doing that only to get attention. I started going regularly to that church and during the sermons, I was kinda feeling the same way as I had that one time I went with my brother's friend. When I went to church the second Sunday, Steven asked me if I wanted to be saved and I said yes and he and I talked to my youth minister who then told me about salvation. After that Sunday, I failed a subject in school and I couldn't participate with the band at the last football game and that really made me feel bad and I started developing suicidal thoughts again only they weren't as bad as before. I liked participating in band during that time because some of the games in the marching season, Steven and I had problems with marching since we filled in the spots where some people became ineligible and our band director let the both of us help the drum majors up on podiums. I don't know, I guess I liked it because I liked the girl who I helped up on the podium. I went to church the following Sunday and after the sermon, during the invitation, my youth minister led me to the pastor who was asking all of us to pray and for those who needed to make a decision to do so and my pastor asked me if I wanted to be saved and I said yes. On November 9, 1997, I asked Jesus Christ into my life and was baptized on February 8, 1998. However, I had come across an obstacle, the queston "was I really saved?" I hadn't changed much since I got saved and I was really wondering if I was saved. I stopped thinking about committing suicide and I cleaned up my mouth mostly, but when we'd talk about salvation, I would wonder if I was really saved or not. Most of the words I said in my prayers, I didn't know if I meant it or just said it just to please people. There was even a time when my youth minister who put up a bullitin with our names on it and everytime we asked a friend or anybody to come to church, then we'd mark beside our name. I invited the same people to church; my brother, my neighbor, Steven (when he stopped going), and a couple of my brother's friends. Heck, I don't think I even cared if they said no, just as long as I asked because I wanted to be honest because I knew that God was watching me. And because I was the only one that remembered to mark beside my name each time, I had gotten the Disciple of the Month award for April and I really enjoyed the attention. As of now, the award is still hanging on my wall and I'm continually wondering if I really deserved it or not. Back to the testimony, I continued to be like that. Sometime during my sophomore year, I went to an event called "Hell on Earth." It's a place that puts on a play about a tour through Heaven and Hell and what we face everyday of our lives. After that, some counselors talked with us and one of them asked me if I was saved. I was hesitant and he told me about pegging the hole, where I could ask Jesus into my life again, just in case I didn't mean it the first time and I did that on October 25, 1998. The only thing that was wrong was I repeated what the counselor said and I don't really like repeating what other say, especially in prayer because I don't know if I meant it or not. Because of that, I still had some doubts of my salvation and over the Thanksgiving holidays in '99, I got scared. I didn't know whether I was saved or not and one Sunday School lesson was about Hell and I was really scared to even think about what would it be like to live in Hell and the next Sunday I learned about Heaven and I wanted to end this doubt in my life so I talked it over with one of the youth ministers at my church and he told me about salvation and how that I can rededicate my life and all and that the other possibilities of me feeling this way was Satan backing me down or God trying to put me back on track. Either way, I wanted to make sure, so I bowed down and prayed with that youth minister, only this time I didn't reapeat anything he said, and I even bawled before God because, I don't want to spend eternity in Hell. I don't see why anybody would want to, so I did that on November 28, 1999 and I could feel God's presence, His grace, and His comfort over me and I knew that without the shadow of a doubt that I had finally nailed it down and now I know that I'm going to Heaven and I can always remember two things about this experience, one is God convicting me and two, the teardrops I left on one of the chairs in the youth room and if I do feel this way again, either that's God telling me to get back on track, or Satan trying to back me down, which I will not stand for it. I want everyone to know that Satan is nothing, but a big time loser and I mean BIG TIME loser! He always tries to get into our lives and destroy it, even though he knows that we all have chosen to be with God for eternity. I'm so ticked off at Satan that I'm ready for God to come back and take out the evil that he (Satan) has brought. I'm also tired of being a fake as I was back then. I may slip every once in a while and do it for attention, but at least I know that I'm a born again Christian. I want to encourage you that if you haven't accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, then it's real simple. All you have to do is bow your head and ask Jesus Christ to come into your heart and into your life. You don't really have to say these exact words but you can say something like it, it doesn't matter, just as long as you mean it with your heart. Here's what you can say: Lord Jesus, I am a sinner. I thank you for dying on a cross in my place for my sins. Father, forgive me of my sins and come into my life. I give my life to you. That's all you have to say. Then repent from your sins and let Jesus Christ lead your life. You won't ever have to worry about Hell because Satan no longer has your soul, and nothing can take your salvation away. If you're having doubts of your salvation, you can rededicate your life by saying the same prayer as the one above. God is always around to forgive you and to come into your life. If any of you need more, then you can email me and I'll help you out anyway I can. I love you and I care about you too much to ever see you spend eternity in Hell, where there's nothing but eternal darkness and eternal pain, and even worse is the thought that you could've known Jesus and not have to face this pain, but you could've spent eternity with Him and experience the joy, peace, and it's eternally painless and there's not darkness and no suffering. If you are lost and need Jesus in your life, but need someone to talk to, then please hit the email link above. I'd love to talk to you and help you out anyway I can. Take care and God bless.