** Life is just a phase you're going through...you'll get over it.

** Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.

** Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

** A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

** If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

** One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

** My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

** I'm not a perfectionist - but my parents were.

** Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

** Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

** The older you get, the better you realize you were.

** Light travels faster than sound, that is why some people appear bright until they talk.

** Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

** Bar none - The most wonderful smell in the world is puppy breath.

** Success is relative: The greater the success, the more relatives.

** It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

** If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

** Women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

** Old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

** I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

** People are changing. They are so much younger than they used to be when I was their age. On the other hand, people my age are so much older than I am.

** I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me... they were cramming for their finals.

** Never accept a drink from a urologist.

** Never get in fights with ugly people, because they have nothing to lose.

** For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

** Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

** A closed mouth gathers no feet.

** If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

** Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

** Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

** Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

** A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

** Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

** Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

** No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

** A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

** Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.

** Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

** Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

** The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do.

** Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

** Always drink upstream from the herd.

** There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

** Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

** A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

** Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

** Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

** By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

** Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

** Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

** I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

** Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

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