My husband, Kent, and I had made the decision to finally start our family. I wanted children right from the beginning, so I was so happy that we had reached a point in our lives where we were both comfortable with the idea of being parents. We had been married three years, both had stable jobs, owned our own home, and had the dog and cat to top it all off! Of course as we all know, when we want something really bad we usually have to wait for it. Well, we definitely waited-but finally we conceived our first child.
Before I actually knew I was pregnant, I had begun having some hot flashes. Of course I thought well, maybe I could be pregnant, but I didn't want to get my hopes up like so many other months. When my period was three days late I took a home pregnanct test-and it was positive! That pink line came in an instant. My life changed in that instant too. I was home alone but within minutes I had already started making preperations. I called the doctor and made an appointment and went to the bookstore and bought What To Expect When You're Expecting. Finally Kent came home and I told him!
Our first decision was when to tell everybody. I have always heard to wait three months. I knew I couldn't do that so we decided to tell our families. Kent's brother and family were here from Australia so we really wanted to tell them in person. Before we did that I told my parents. They were obviously very happy! At dinner that night we told Kent's family and again saw excitement in everyone. One of the nieces actually tried to feel my belly already. When we got home from dinner, we called my sister and his other brother and sister. Of course we told all our friends very soon after.
The months were very easy- not one bit of morning sickness. I guess my "mourning sickness" was to come after delivery. At one of our ultrasounds we discovered it was a boy! I was so surprised because I was sure he was a girl. We decided on his name, Korey (spelled with a K to resemble Kent's name) and William (after my father). This we kept a secret!
Finally after a long, hot summer, forty weeks was up - we were just playing the waiting game. I had begun dilating and affacing two weeks earlier, but he was in no hurry! Well, my due date, September 8th, came and went and no labor. (Actually I went to the hospital the week before and they sent me home because my contractions weren't strong enough.) On September 10th, after work I noticed a lack of movement. I did all the things they tell you to do like lay down, drink a glass of milk, wiggle your belly--I even ate some Chinese food! when Kent got home from work we called the doctor and he met us at the hospital. I was embarrassed to be going back again and sure they would send us bavk home, so I didn't bring my bag. Never did I imagine the horror that layed ahead.
The nurse came in and began hooking me up to the fetal monitor. She was struggling to find the heartbeat. I remember thinking to myself, I am going to be so mad at this nurse for making me go through this. I was thinking she was incompetent and that was why she couldn't find his heartbeat. After a few minutes, she got the doctor who tried with the ultrasound. There was my baby boy on the scree. I had wanted an ultrasound so badly-unfortunately, the screen showed his heart--not beating. My world crashed in around me. The rest of the story is pretty hard for me to recall, it still seems like a nightmare. I called my parents and within minutes mine and Kent's family arrived at the hospital- to meet and say goodbye to Korey.
After a couple of hours we decided to have a c-section. Those two hours were so hard-knowing that I was never going to see my baby alive. I was pretty drugged up but I do remember that they showed Korey to me while in the operating room. When they took him out the cord was wrapped around his neck three times and there was knot. He was so perfect, but the cord that's main purpose is to sustain an baby, had actually taken his life.
My family was able to hold him that night. I had to wait untill the next day because of my physical pain. Korey weighed in at 7 lb 9 ounces, was 19 inches long, and had black hair. I am so glad that I held him. My arms will never be the same after holding him. I will never be the same!
I spent four days in the hospital and had so many visitors. Korey was also baptized during my stay. I wish now that everyone would have been able to see and hold him, but we did the best we could.
On the next Wednesday we had a graveside service. It was beautiful and about half-way through it, it began sprinking. That is why the song Tears From Heaven is so special. Korey is buried next to my grandmother. I know he is in good hands! I think he must get the record for most visitors in the cemetary.
Everyday is a struggle-we feel so lost without our son. The only ray of hope we have is that Korey has shown us how strong we really are and how desperately we want to be parent to children here on earth. We will never take the gift of life for granted. Thank you Korey- we would not be the people we are today without you!!!