Ponderings 
and
Observations
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
If men run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day with a noose around your neck??
I would have a lot more faith in the Federal Government insuring my bank account if they weren't several TRILLION dollors in debt!
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been correct in the first place.
Any product cut to length will be too short.
The chance of the bread falling with the butter side down is directly proportional to the value of the carpet.
After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.
Whenever you cut your fingernails, you will find a need for them an hour later.
Interchangeable parts won't.
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
If a man is captain of his own ship, his wife is probably the admiral.
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety-one?
"I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
Birthdays must be very good for your health, the people who have the most live the longest.
Trust the computer industry to shorten "Year 2000" to "Y2K". It was this kind of thinking that caused the problem in the first place.
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If God didn't want us to eat animals, why did he make them out of meat?
Even in a nightcap, a wolf doesn't look like a grandmother.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked intojet engines.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Success always occurs in private, and failure in fullview.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
How can a two pound box of candy make a woman gain five pounds?
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way.
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why is abbreviated such a long word?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why is there only one Monopolies commission?
Why do scientists call it "re"search when looking for something new?
Why are redheads called carrot tops when carrot tops are green?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hosttage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
What's another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they gamish his wages?
Would a fly that loses it wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle loses his shell, is he naked or homeless?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
Whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?
Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
Back to Homepage
Our Story
Meet our kids... :-)
Our Friends
Poetry
Links Page
