song is "YOU GAVE ME MOUNTAIN
Hi my name is Lola, I writing this page because I know from my heartbreaking experience how it hurts when you bury your child. I lost my 23 year old daughter on january 31, 1987, then in December 1988 my son was diagnosed H.I.V positive.
I thought there is no way I will live to bury another one of my children, God wouldnt do that. Well I did live to bury my 32 year old son he died on April 29, 1993 from Aids related Complexes.
I realize people want to help and I believe that they are really at a loss for words, and it hurts them to see you in pain and they really want to help you.
It seems as if people think that they have to make excuses for God, or think of some reason to logic the tragedy there really are no answers, Unless you have been thru this kind of a loss. There is just no way a person can understand.
I decided to write this page based on my experience, some of the things that helped, but most of all things that did not help.
Maybe this page can help other's who are trying to comfort a grieving person or parent. Most of all the grieving person needs to talk about it over and over if necessary, It is very hard for them to grasp they will never see or hear their child or loved one again. and the grieving person is not really looking for answers and there are really are no good answers to give them. They have to come to realization that they can not change it, and eventually they will realize they have to live on even though they dont want too.
Grief is Lonely, and you feel isolated, also it makes people uncomfortable for you to cry in front of them or to talk about the death in front of them.
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THE DO'S AND DO NOT'S OF HELPING A GRIEVING PARENT!
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1. TIME HEALS: (This one only made me angry when it was said to me, at the time it had no meaning I couldnt even think one hour ahead. TIME SEEMS ENDLESS.)
2. Someone coming for a visit and never mentioning your childs name or acknowleding you child just died.
(I felt like screaming what is wrong with you don't you know my precious chile just died, why dont you mention it, or say I am sorry about your child or just mention his/her name.)
3. God is testing you: (I say for what??? and why?? I dont want to take a test.)
4. There must have been something worse in future for him/her. (What could be worse than my child dying???
5. You need to to get over this and get on with your life. (Now tell me how do get over losing a part of yourself??)
6.Your loved one wouldnt want to see you be so sad.(Well all I
can say to that is I just can't help it,I miss him or her so bad and, I feel as if my life is over also.)
7. You have your Memories!. (I can't touch a memory I cant feel a memory, I can't hold a memory in my arms, I cant smell a memory.)
8. Gee it has been six months now, when are you going to let go of this and get on with your life!.(LET GO?? As for me I will never let go, I don't even know what a person means by letting go. What does let go mean? Does it mean to forget the child pretend they never existed???)
9. This place looks like a moritorium, you need to put their pictures away: (All I can say to that is I will never take down their pictures, I gave birth to four children, and I will display their pictures as long as I live.)
10. I Don't think I could ever live thru burying one of my children: (To this I say I was never given the option or was I asked the question,"Do you think you can survive the loss of two of your children?" One thing I do know though if I want to see them again I cannot think of suicide. And then i need to think of the people who love me and count on me to be here for them, could they handle my death along with the death I am handling?)
11. God will never put more on you than you can handle: (Well to this I just shake my head I can not believe my Father who is heaven would put this pain on me, I believe the Holy Father did not take my children "DEATH TOOK MY CHILDREN, AND DEATH IS AN ENEMY OF GODS, AND IT IS HIS LAST ENEMY. "No God did not lay this on me.)
Grief has no timetable
Like fingerprints or snowflakes, each person's grief is different. The depth and the scope depends your relations with the loved one. The support you are recieving and your ability to cope with the stress.br>
Resolving grief often takes longer than people expect
The only cure for grief is to grieve. There is no getting around the pain "keeping your chin up" misleads you and others into a false sense of security. You have to work your way through it.
I WILL NEVER ACCEPT THE DEATH OF MY CHILDREN, BUT I HAVE LEARNED TO LIVE WITH IT.. |