The Manly Art of Fathering: A discussion of how fathers are learning
the art of parenting and how today's beliefs and practices
may differ from generations before.

Many fathers or fathers-to-be see or expect to see a significant difference between their fathering practices and those of their father. The men in both generations tried to be good fathers. Why is there a difference, at least a planned difference, in practice?

Awareness, attitudes, and practices change. Yet one desire that remains fairly constant is that men want to be men. They want to be manly. However, our cultural understanding of what it means to be "manly" has changed. Perform the following exercise. In the table below, indicate which attributes you believe were associated with the concept of "manly" in previous generations, and which you believe are considered "manly" today.
 

Character Trait	"Manly" in the past	"Manly" today	Character Trait	"Manly" in the past	"Manly" today
acknowledges ignorance			independent
aloof			inscrutable
artistic			open
bold			patient
capable			playful
caring			powerful
communicative			resolute
competent			secure
competitive			seeks win/win
confident			sensitive
considerate			solution oriented
demanding			steady
dependable			strong
determined			supportive
disciplined			threatening
emotional			trusting
fearful			understanding
fearsome			unwavering
firm			virile
flexible			wise
gentle
honorable
humorous

My guess is that you will find many attributes marked in only one column. (My personal opinions are presented in the table. Bold faced characteristics I believe apply to the concept of "manly" today while italicized attributes I believe apply to an earlier understanding of "manly." Bold and italicized indicates I think the trait applies to both understandings and plain text indicates I don't think it applies to either.) When I've asked others to perform this exercise, the trend that emerges is that "manly" in the past included attributes such as aloof, fearsome, inscrutable, threatening, resolute, and unwavering that are not part of today's concept of "manly." On the other hand, today's concept of "manly" includes the following attributes that people don't think applied in the past: ackowledges ignorance, caring, communicative, considerate, emotional, flexible, open, sensitive, supportive, and understanding.
 

Why what it means to be "manly" has changed

I believe the primary reason what is "manly" today differs from what was "manly" in the past is that what women find attractive has changed. Because of a widespread loss of the extended family, a woman--especially a new mom--is less able to depend on her mom, sisters, and aunts for support. There are many more professional opportunities for women than there were in previous generations and this has placed more demands on their time and energy. Our world seems to move at an ever-increasing pace and this places more stress on today's women. All of these things lead women to want their spouse, their partner, to be caring, understanding, supportive, sensitive, patient, and emotionally involved--the types of attributes that are the core difference between "manly" today and "manly" in earlier generations.

A secondary reason why "manly" has changed its meaning is that we, as a society, have a broader understanding of what makes people more effective. Stephen Covey's books on highly effective people and the many books on leadership and enlightened management styles, capture and help direct an "empowering people" movement that has been building since the 1960's.
 

Why men are learning the art of fathering

Men learn the art of fathering because as they seek to be attractive to women-- "manly" in its contemporary sense--and as they do they become more sensitive and responsive to people and situations. They better appreciate the longterm impact of parenting on children. They understand that to "father" successfully, they must provide an environment that enables their offspring to grow into healthy adults; "healthy" in the encompassing, fully human sense. A father is the role model of a man for his son, daughter, and his future generations. He is the strongest external influence in the type of man his son becomes and the type of man his daughter marries. What he is will be passed on to his children's children. As Stephen Covey says, "When you raise your children, you are also raising your grandchildren."

Men today recognize that fathering is an art. That is, it is a skill acquired by experience, study, or observation. Fathering a child in a biological sense requires little skill or effort. We haven't lived in the type of environment in which our species evolved for many generations. If we did, fathering in its broadest sense would be natural. However, our environment is layered with culture, traditions, institutions, and technologies. Fathering a child in a socially responsible sense has become an art. It involves a large commitment, and one that can always be improved upon. But as Dr. William Sears notes, "[F]atherhood is the only profession where you're guaranteed that the more effort you put into it the more enjoyment you will get out of it."
 

How men are learning the art of fathering

Today's manly father is caring, interdependent, and willing and motivated to learn, including learning about fathering. However it is difficult for a man today to learn parenting from his father as their beliefs and the practices they drive are different. They operate under a different paradigm. (It is difficult to imagine John Wayne asking Clint Eastwood, "Do you have any ideas on how to help us get little Marcie to sleep by 8:30 on summer nights?" It's not hard to imagine Tom Hanks asking that of Alan Alda.) Changing paradigms can be exceedingly challenging and it is a reason cultural norms can take many years to change. It demands boldness, courage, and a willingness to admit mistakes and learn: fortunately these are attributes of today's manly man.

Many men will wish to father their children in different ways than they were fathered. However, they will often fail and fall into the patterns they learned as children; as their fathers followed their childhood patterns. Those who are successful will have learned from books, magazines, programs, tapes, classes, groups, seminars, conferences, their spouse, and/or friends. Most importantly they will think long and often about fathering. Unconsciously reacting as a father, more of a tendency of men who are manly in the old sense--decisive men who thought they inherently knew the best action to take and would make no mistake in taking it--will likely lead to invoking the fathering patterns bred in one's youth.
 

Today's "new" core beliefs about children and parenting

Though I am calling them "new" these core beliefs have long roots. They were expressed well by Kahil Gibran early in this century. What is "new" is that they are being widely acknowledged though not necessarily embraced as appropriate beliefs and they are driving practices. An embraced belief will be revealed by the practices that flow from it. Today's core beliefs about children and parenting that were not understood and embraced by earlier generations include:

• Each child is an individual, inherently worthy of respect and consideration as the center of his/her own universe.

  When this ideal is embraced, it is impossible to view children as wealth, property, or a future source of caretaking. It is an "evil empire" that would seek to bend another's world to fit its will; yet parents seek to "mold their children." These are parents who do not recognize, understand, or embrace this belief. To strike a child under the guise of "teaching" them is an interplanetary invasion "for their own good." According to this core belief, such an action is perverse.
   

• Children are humans, they have the same human needs as adults.

  These needs go far beyond mere physical survival needs. What healthy adult human would be happy if all they did was survive? Children need love; of self and others, to give it and get it. They need a sense of mastery. They are responsible for their universe and they need to feel that they can direct it in ways they desire. Parents who inspire fear undercut their children's need for love. Love and fear are incompatible. To have them for the same person will cause emotional confusion and lead to poor choices in the future. Manly fathers inspired fear in past generations, they no longer seek to do so.

  Many parents accept this core belief without understanding it. They seek to keep their children happy rather than have their children assume responsibility for their own happiness. They seek to instill a sense of mastery through praise. But parents who constantly praise their children become shrill. Children recognize them as disingenuous and will not use them as barometers of their personal mastery. Such parents are as neglectful of their children's needs as parents who rarely acknowledge their children's successes.
   

• Helping children understand, meet, and learn how to meet their needs is the primary responsibility of parents.

  Embracing this core belief is contingent on understanding and embracing the previous one which was highly uncommon in the past. Keeping a child alive and relatively healthy physically in most cases is trivial. Yet recent generations of parents, especially fathers, viewed this as their main mission. The responsibility of helping a child gain a sense of mastery was passed to schools and coaches. There was not sufficient time and energy to assume these responsibilities while one was being the provider of food and shelter.
   

• The relationship between parents and between each parent and their children will have long-lasting often lifelong effects on their children.

  This core belief has been accepted perhaps as long as there have been human families, but it is almost always understood in an incomplete sense. Parents have believed that lessons they "teach" their children will stay with them, but what they didn't realize was the scope of lessons their children are learning from them. Children learn best not from what their parents say but from what their parents do and are. For example, parents who drink alcohol or smoke and tell their children not to, are teaching their children that double standards are fine, that their health is less important than their habits (or that unhealthy habits can't be broken), and that they are not someone to be emulated (at least in this way). Parents who understand and embrace this core belief recognize that everything they say and especially what they do and are, are lessons they are giving their children.
   

  On Children

  And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of Children."
  And he said:
  Your children are not your children.
  They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
  They come through you but not from you,
  And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
  You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
  For they have their own thoughts.
  You may house their bodies but not their souls,
  For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
  You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
  For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
  You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
  The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
  Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
  For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
  From "The Prophet", by Kahlil Gibran (1883-1931)
   

  Manly fathering practices

  The above core beliefs drive practices that are rather uncommon. In part this is because men today are struggling to emulate the new understanding of "manly," an understanding that is different from the one with which they grew up. In addition they are also struggling with learning the "art" of fathering. Becoming a skilled artist takes time and effort. "Manly fathering" is a minority, though growing, practice.

  The first column in the table below lists human needs. We know these are needs because if they are not satisfied, a human will get ill and perhaps die. The second column identifies actions a manly father may take to help a child meet those needs. A manly father is unfettered by custom. He is willing and able to see beyond cultural norms and act in ways that best honor the child's physiology. As one reads this table, reflect on the changing concept of "manly" and how attributes of the old concept would make it unlikely for a father to act as described below.
   

  Important needs for child's health	How a man helps to meet the child's need through the manly art of fathering
  healthy womb	Helps the future mother of his child maximize the health of her womb Reduces stress in the pregnant woman's life which reduces the likelihood of her taking drugs to deal with stress (prescription, over the counter drugs, alcohol, nicotine, and caffeine) Is an enthusastic learner of pregnancy, birthing, parenting
  healthy birth	Strives for natural birth as goal, but understands mother's choice is pre-eminent Encourages but doesn't try to dictate Participates in birth Takes child CPR and birthing classes Recommended: "Healthy, Pain Free Drug Free Childbirth" audiotape program; by Missy and Curt Frantz
  health	Recognizes that "The physician treats, but nature heals." - Hipocrates, the "Father of Medicine" With mother, assumes responsibility for the health of his child Is aware that common, conventional practices may not be best Recommended: "How to Raise a Healthy Child...In Spite of Your Doctor" by Robert Mendelsohn "Smart Medicine for a Healthier Child" by Janet Zand, et al
  food	Enables a breastnurturing lifestyle; which means more than allowing or even supporting breastfeeding Accepts mother-baby relationship as primary from an evolutionary perspective. While the father is important for a baby's health, the mother is indispensable for its life. Provides healthy solid foods Participates in dietary choices. As baby becomes a toddler becomes a youngster; healthy food is not necessarily the simplest or quickest. A manly father does not take the pizza/cake/ice cream role and let mom do the nutrition. Understands which foods are healthy. This can be different than popular perception. For example, Dr. Spock strongly recommends against giving cow's milk to children, yet most people consider that a health food. Recommended: "Pregnancy, Children, and the Vegan Diet," Michael Klapper
  sleep	Shares sleep or uses family bed Is not jealous, threatened, or uncomfortable sharing bed with wife and another. Human babies, as all primate babies, are physiologically wired to sleep with parents. Shared sleep promotes breastfeeding and reduces if not eliminates sudden infant death syndrome. Recommended: "The Family Bed," Tine Thevenin
  security	Provides "in arms" experience Rejoices in holding his baby, his child Recognizes importance of closeness and touch to a baby. "In arms" is better than "in sling," and both are much better than laying a baby down. Recommended: "The Continuum Concept," Jean Liedloff
  warmth	Provides a comfortably warm environment which enables fewer or no clothes, freer movement, and more skin to skin contact
  clean environment (air, water, body)	Provides clean air, water, food Filters water, is aware of and guards against possible pollutants (e.g., radon, cleansers, carpeting) and allergens Provides clean clothes Changes diapers of infants, does laundry Cleans child's body Gives or shares baths
  structure, familiarity	Spends vast quantities of time in working, playing, and being together Recognizes the cultural lie that quality can make up for a lack of quantity. There is no substitute for mass quantities of time spent together. Spends time to get tuned into child's cues
  stimulation, challenges	Provides movement and varied life experiences, the key constant in the child's life is the presence of the parents Travels, plays games Gently invites growth through appropriate challenges Shares experiences with "7 intelligences" (linguistic, mathematical/logical, spatial, musical, bodily kinesthetic, interpersonal, intrapersonal) Participates in natural world
  self-love (sense of competency, mastery)	Plays patiently, encourages, allows failures, uncovers motivation Applies reason, scientific method, and practices to obtain knowledge Models self-love Promotes high self-esteem
  love of others	Is lovable Loves his wife, child, and others and demonstrates his love Is manly to his wife, fatherly to his children, and admired by others in his child's life Is self-disciplined and recognizes discipline is not punishment Models interpersonal relationships

  Other recommended books:
  "Mothering and Fathering", Tine Thevenin
  "The Family", John Bradshaw
   

  Summary

  As society and culture change over time, its understanding of the roles and valued characteristics of its members changes. What is considered "manly" has changed over the past few generations; driven in large measure by what is important, and therefore attractive, to women. Women want a man who is understanding, sensitive, involved and supportive. Until recently, these were not considered "manly" attributes. As today's man becomes more "manly" in this contemporary sense, he becomes more aware of the value of fathering and taps into a variety of information to improve his fathering artistry. Most importantly, he spends time thinking about the nature and practice of successful fathering. Core beliefs about parenting and children are changing and they are driving "new" practices. These beliefs and practices are better aligned with our new understanding of "manly" and in greater harmony with our evolved physiology.
   

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