Divorced Dads -= Focus =-

Divorced Dad's

It isn't always easy, keeping focus that is. I can remember several times where I acted out of the passion of the moment. The rage and emotion clearly present on the surface. A few of those instances created an outcome that was less than desirable.
I now make a conscious effort to always remain focused. I don't succeed 100% of the time, but most of the time I do. It is those times when my composure prevails that I am the most proud.

Keeping Focus

I can recall the moment that I knew that a divorce was immanent. We had tried the counseling, and the emotional separation. I was reading books and trying desperately to find that part of myself that had once decided to spend the rest of my life with the mother of my children. I couldn't find him.

We divorced and it was at that moment that I made a promise to myself, my children and their mother that our divorce would not be the kind of horror story that you hear about in the papers. I was absolutely convinced that civility and even a friendship could be managed despite our differences. That as adults we could act as such out of respect and love for our children. It wasn't until almost a year later that I realized that just because I had made the promise, that it didn't mean she had.

From that time period to the present I have had to file several complaints with the courts in regards to visitation. I have had to deal with them verbally on grounds that they had developed some kind of superiority over me because they had custody. I should make something clear. When I refer to they I am referring to my ex and her parents. Everything was fine until her parents became involved in our 'lives after divorce'. But that is another story.

It is the end of January 1998 as I write this and I just recently learned that my ex had decided to bypass the Judgement of Divorce and file her taxes without allowing me to claim one of my children as I am allowed. For a brief moment after hearing this news I was absolutely irate. I was tired of being treated second rate, being talked to in circles, and being referred to as the other parent. After a few moments I calmed down. I have learned that I can regain my composure pretty quickly now, it wasn't always so.

Incidents like those that I mentioned above happen all the time in a divorce, I don't need to tell you that. The point that I am trying desperately to grasp here is that despite all the rotten stuff, one thing remains...the children. That is where the focus lies.

The day after hearing about the tax issue, I met with my son and his mother at a scout troop den meeting. Zachary was getting all kinds of patches, and recognition and I wanted to be there for that. I didn't want to see his mother. Despite the differences we sat next to each other and talked politely as Zach got called to the podium several times for being such a great kid. Eventually the topic turned to Child Support, I wasn't surprised. I agreed to an increase in support for the children, waited for the event to be over, kissed my son and told him I loved him, and drove home.

As I drove I felt proud of myself, and not in a smug way. I was proud that I was still able to keep the promise that I had made so long ago. That the focus of my life was still, and always will be my children. Even though the circumstances could have warranted several different attitudes, and responses I was confident that I had chosen the correct one.

I kept focus.