Dear Chuck,
I just browsed your web page. It is wonderful. I am a 25 year old mother of three (ages 5,
2.5, and 2 weeks). I thought I'd drop you a line with my own story. I grew up in a home
where everything was "fine". My parents always assured my sister and I that they
had the perfect marriage and they would never divorce (my friends' parents all seemed to
be doing so and thus, it was on my mind a lot). But, something always seemed to be missing
in my life. My parents were friends and that was the extent of it. They never showed any
affection for each other (they never fought- but they didn't love).
A week after high school graduation my parents announced that they would be separating,
claiming that with me off to college and my sister off to boarding school it was time for
them to move on with their lives.
I am here to tell you that it was harder for me to deal with the fact that they stayed
together "for the sake of the children" than if they would have just divorced
when I was young.
Both of them have recently rewed. I just wish they had had such happiness when I was
younger. My husband and I are extremely happy, but people do change. If we ever grow
apart, we will first seek counseling and if that fail, we'll divorce. I have learned from
my parents' mistake.
My message to all... do what you need to do... the children will benefit in the long run.
Hope this helps.
-Melissa |
Hi-
First I would like to say that I admire that you put up this site. I think you are right
on target about communicating with the child, and also hearing what they need to say. I
believe otherwise, the wounds will be much more detremental to their lives when they are
grown. I don't have kids, but I was the child of a
divorce, and I don't remember much dialog about it, mostly my mother was so hurt by the
break-up that all she could could convey to us was that hurt and anger. I didn't feel
comfortable expressing love for either of my parents, while in the company of the other. I
think that is so common even today, but I think somehow that should be avoided.
Maybe if the parents also say, "I feel angry at your
mom/dad, I don't love her," something that addressed the feelings that the kids will
pick up on anyway! I think it's great that you say that kids should be told, I love her
differently, etc., but it seems to me that at some appropriate time, the bad feelings
should be named, identified to the child, so that the child learns to trust his/her
perceptions.
The next thing I wanted to ask you about was, the Peter Pan
reference. You said that you told your son that you were like Peter Pan, so you had to go
away to grow up. I do not understand the logic in that. Leaving your marriage, and what
that offers in terms of your family and your kids, sounds like becoming more like Peter
Pan, not less. I don't know you, but as an outsider, that is my observation. I'm saying
this as a now-grown child of divorce.
Today, my father is very distanced from the family. I bet
there are still times he thinks, if I had only stuck it out, I would have a real family
life now. Which, he doesn't. All 4 of us are grown up, 2 of my brother's have little kids.
I still wish that my parents had never divorced. I think it affects kids more than is even
realized. It cuts into the developement of the childs relationship with the world around
him/her. If the child is particularly sensitive, it can cause more serious problems. I
have mental problems, and alot of problems with men. I want so much to get along with
guys, but I have this deep-seated anger that I can't get rid of! It's painful, because in
my mind I say, I understand why my dad left, I'm not mad at him, but emotionally, it just
comes up.
When they were first separated I was 1 1/2 years old. I
don't remember it, but I remember the next time I saw him, and I was never emotionally
close to him again. What I'm trying to say is PLEASE RECONSIDER if maybe you are running
away from your real life, as opposed to running to it. I believe there is a physiological
and spiritual loss that children face if there parents aren't together, that cannot be
regained by talking out.
Most Sincerely,
el jay |
Dear Chuck,
It is important for people to realize that they are not alone. However,
generalizing divorces cannot be accomplished, each one is unique. I am 15 years old now, and a product of a bitter divorce (when I was
only 10). My parents fought - both mentally and physically - in the presence of my sister
and I. Although they tried to avoid such altercations when we were near, it was impossible
to do so.
Throughout the divorce, both my sister and I gained a substantial amount
of weight, making a social life somewhat of a challenge. With problems at home, no child
wants to face obnoxious kids at school - they begin to feel like everyone is "out to
get them". Even my weekends were taken with visits to psychologists, family
counselor's, and the judge's chambers.
As a result of my parent's divorce, our entire family unity was shattered.
When my parents criticized each other, I couldn't help but
think of the imperfect background I had sprung from. That is, until I realized no marriage
is perfect. I have learned to remember the good parts of my childhood - vacations without
fights, family outings, among other things.
With my life finally back in order, nothing else seems to
have evolved at all. My sister still hates my dad, will not go on visitations, and
my mom continues to complain about how bad her life has become. Clearly, it is hard
to benefit from a divorce. But, that all is decided by how it is handled. I love my
parents very much and that is MY opinion. I refused to listen as each one explained
the horrible things that their spouse had done to them. The most important thing for a
child to understand is that they must make the difference. Don't just LET everything
happen, MAKE what you want to happen really occur.
Thank you for providing a service that cannot be matched.
"Beneficial content on the web" was unmistakably created to describe your site.
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