I'm a divorced/remarried father of an 11yr old boy. My ex-wife and I split up when he was 1yr old (her idea). We decided on joint custody, which worked out while I lived in the same area, but once I had to move 80 miles away and he started school is when the trouble started. I usually made the trip back home to pick him up and then we decided to meet half way.

Since he has started school its been hard to get any information about school activities, grades, or anything to do with that part of his life no matter how often I ask her. He has just finished sixth grade and will now be starting middle school, which I think would be a good time for him to come live with me and my family. But my ex doesn't think that it's a good idea, she says that he is an introvert and can't make friends, which I have never seen. He is a very friendly active boy, he is a little bit of a loner but in no way is he an introvert. So we are going to court(wish me and my son luck)and yes my son says that he would like to live with us for middle school.

The thing that bothers me the most about all this is that we hear so much about dead beat dads and very little about dead beat moms and here I am a dad who only wants to have a part in his sons upbringing. The court system has made some changes but not enough, the mother is still given custody even if she is proven unfit and the father isn't. I can almost understand why these "dead beat dads" don't want to pay support when all they might get if they are lucky is visitation every other weekend and sometimes not even that.

I wish all fellow divorced dad's the best of luck and always remember that there is nothing compared to your childs' love.

Yours,
Steve

Visit Steve and his family at their Homepage.

I am a gay father of a wonderful 6 year old daughter. About 8 months ago my ex-wife asked that our daughter come live with my lover and myself. Her reasoning was that she was unable to take care of her because she was uncontrollable, wouldn't do anything her mother asked, didn't have any friends, refused to go outside, and hated school. We happily agreed.

After my daughter moved in with us she quickly adjusted . She made friends in school. She is the top reader in her class. And she minds us very well. After she had lived here for 5 months her mother came late one night and said she was moving her back in with her. I had already contacted a lawyer two weeks prior. I refused to let her go with her and called the police. When they arrived they sent her home because she didn't have her original paper work saying that she had physical custody. (That's a good point to remember)

The next morning I went to my attorneys office and he drew up emergency ex-parte papers giving me sole custody until we went before the judge. The judge signed them. After two more months and many harassing phone calls (My being gay was her biggest gripe) We went to court. Our attorney's met and we didn't need to go before the judge. Her mother agreed to give me physical custody. Both attorney's told her that my being gay had no bearing on my ability to be a good father. The thing that I'd like everyone to get from my situation is that no matter who you are or what your sexual preferences are, STICK to your guns and FIGHT for what is in the best interest of your children.

Thanks for the page,
Terry

Congrats on an excellent web site.

I am fairly new to the internet and just came across your website recently. I am almost 2 years into the separation/divorce process and hope to have the whole mess wrapped up in the next 4-6 months.

It has been an incredible experience (both good and bad). I wanted to address your question regarding the guilt you feel.

My situation is different (who's isn't) but there are some common threads. My wife and I were married for 9yrs before our separation (our daughter was 71/2 at the time). Our marriage had had problems from the beginning.  We both differed to the extremes on children, money and sex. The child issue was the catalyst.

I was required to take of my youngest 3 brothers thru my highschool yrs (this included diapers, babysitting getting up at 2:00 am for feedings) due to the workschedule of my parents. I resented alot of this and wanted to take our time as a married couple before having children (I come from a divorced family and was also running away from the loneliness). My wife came from a divorced family where her dad didn't want her and her mother devoted all her love to her kids. My wife needed children to have a sense of self worth (this has been confirmed by mutual friends). We were never able to resolve this due to poor communication skills.

As far as the guilt, I know now that I had no idea of the importance of children to women nor how stupid I was in not building up this dream. Yes, I had my reasons and some of them were very valid, but my approach was horrible (my guilt). My wife however, eventually reached a point after I said we needed to put our adoption process on hold (the whole story is very involved w/ a lot of pain for both of us, life has been challenging) as I wanted a healthy marriage. This was the last straw in her opinion, and she mentally walked away from the marriage. She fell in love with a gentleman at work (although it appears that some of this process started before the final straw) and when I found out that they were almost at the stage of a full blown physically intimate affair, I filed for divorce. That may seem extreme to many (another stage of guilt
for me), but after hearing phone conversations of each of them expressing love for one another, and a mutual friend filling me in on how much she had finally met Mr. right, I made the step.

We spent the next 4 months trying to pull it back together (or at least I did - turns out she had no intention even then of ever working it out, her words almost a year later). She did not stop contact with the gentleman and eventually we separated (my idea). I was in counseling at the time, she went 3 times didn't like the councillor and never went back (this is also a very interesting story). 4 months later it was officially over and I walked into the arena of guilt.

Thru counseling I have realized that I made alot of mistakes (many were very stupid). However, I also realized that I did everything I could to bring the marriage back together, a great advantage of a wise counselor. I still have days of guilt and pain and expect to on and off for the next several year. Yes, they do diminish.

I have had to look in the mirror and face my weaknesses and the pain they have caused my child. But I also have learned to look in the mirror and realize the mistakes my ex made (Like they say, it takes two to tango). This has helped me to balance out the feelings I have. It also has helped me to identify what I need to work on and let go of the pain she caused (at least some times). I have thrown myself into raising my daughter which also helps. Choose the moral high ground, the results do show up.

Admit your faults to yourself. Apologize whenever necessary to your kids, they need to understand it was an SAP (Stupid Adult Problem). I am blessed in one realm, my wife reluctantly agreed to 50% custody. I live in California and have made the decision to keep custody at that level re: of the cost to me. Now the best way to alleviate the guilt in my case is to treat my wife w/ respect, benefits, I am apologizing for my mistakes, it's easier on my daughter and we have less of a custody nightmare than others.
Is it a breeze, NO!!. There are lot's of problems, but I have begun to learn tremendous self-discipline, accountability to my moral beliefs and
a willingness to better my child's life.

Sorry about the rambling and disjointed thoughts but the last couple of days have been emotional.

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!!!!