Here are some ways that have helped us improve our "couple talk."
1.When you want to talk about comcerns and problems with your spouse, pick a comfortable setting, one free of distractions or interruptions. Choose a place where the two of you can be alone.
2. Talk face to face, close enough to touch each other and with enough light to see each other's features clearly.
3. Express your thoughts and feelings by using "I" messages rather than "you" messages (blaming and criticizing statements). Try "I feel unimprotant when I don't get to explain the problem" instead of "You never listen to me!"
4. Keep your comments brief--no more than two sentences.
5. Don't put your spouse on the defensive. Express negative feelings in a respectful manner, such as,"When I am criticized, I feel angry and hurt." Say how you want the burgers cook rather than criticizing after they'er done. Accentuate the positive.
6. Don't hide your feelings behind intellectual jargon. Instead, be kindly straightforward about what you really feel and think.
7. Make requests clear and respectful: "I'd like you to put gas in the car this morning. Do you have time to do that?"
8. Do not try to be a mind reader. The only way to find out what your spouse thinks of feels is to ask.
9. Do not blame, demean, or accuse. Focus on the problem rather than criticizing. Use the no-fault approach: "I'm uncomfortable/unhappy with this situation. Let's talk about what we can do to change it."
10. Remembet that listening, controlling anger, and using the appropriate tone of voice all contribute to good communication. Nagging, conversational discourtesies,and sullen silence detract from it.
Another peice of advice that BT and I were given when we were married, and I feel it is very good advice. Never go to sleep angry at each other. We have been married for 17+ years, and we have never gone to sleep angry at each other. But we have been up until wee hours in the morning. I think that advice has helped alot in our marriage.
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