Well in my growing up years I was used to the moving because my dad was in the Air Force and we moved frequently. So being a nomad came to me easily. I am the second of 5 children in my family. So I grew up with the "middle child syndrome." But to really get to the heart of the matter is that my home was a Christian home although for the most part my mom took us to church and Sunday School and then sometimes my dad would go also. She was the spiritual leader of the house to a point in the way of getting us to Sunday School and also raising us with "strict" values. I was active in the youth groups of the churches we went to. Although I knew that Jesus died on the Cross He never seemed really alive nor real to me. I just knew about Him through places like Vacation Bible School and also Sunday School and the preacher.

I saw a lot of turmoil in my home. There were good times as well, but my mom and I never seemed to get along, and it seemed I could never please her. Thinking that maybe if I became a Christian that would please her and possibly make her happy and I would gain acceptance and love that I needed from her. I walked down the aisle of the church one Sunday morning at the age of 8 and then was baptized there after. I thought things would get better after that but they didn't really. There was not a day that I wasn't in trouble. I know that like all children I did get into trouble for things like lying and also not doing what I was told, or not being home when I was suppose to when supper was on the table.

But when I would even take something as simple as a bath my mom would easily fly off the handle and even hit me while I was in the tub because I was not taking it fast enough and playing instead of cleaning. She pinned me against the wall one day when I was a sophomore in high school and had a hand full of hair , screaming "You are demon possessed and the cause of your father and I fighting!" There were times that she would even bounce my head off the wall just to get me to listen to what she was saying. I recalled a time when she became so angry with me she dug her nails in my arm so deep and broke the skin to cause it to bleed. I felt inside that I could not please her and I wanted to so badly but was so confused as to how. The feelings of inadequacy would haunt me for the remaining years of my life.

Another time she told me she wished I was in an airplane 10,000 feet in the air and dropped from it. I was afraid of her, and indeed she told me once that I needed to be. Many times she had me as a child pack my bags, that I should move out because I was such a "bully" and should live with the kid down the street because he and I would get along (he was the neighborhood bully). Now I was a "tomboy" yes and did my fair share of being the "tough guy" in school. But that was because I was trying to protect my younger sister and my little brothers from all the neighborhood kids hurting them. My older sister was always by herself playing dolls.

When I became 12-13 I noticed my dad beginning to treat me differently. Like holding me closer and then kissing me on the mouth (which I hated). Then, when I was alone he would come into my room or whenever I was alone, and begin to do things to me. I was helpless to push him away for fear of him getting angry. If I said "Don't!" and pushed him back he would get very upset and then treat me as though I had been disobedient and my life became more miserable by the "silent treatment" I was getting from him. He would place extra tasks for me to do because I would not let him touch me like he had been doing. He would say things like," You don't love me," if I did not allow him to do what he wanted to with me. I was scared to ever be alone with him and confused. I loved my dad very much and adored him growing up. He was my idol. I used to want to go everywhere he went and would cry when I could not. That all went to fear and mistrust of any man I came in contact with. For many years I looked up to him. But again left in a state of confusion.

My mom had no clue. Being as I was always getting into trouble she never thought it to be strange. This was also happening to my younger sister and I found out my older sister as well. We drew straws one day to see who would tell my mom so that maybe she could do something to help us. And guess who drew the winning straw? ME ! And of course as we all stood together and I told her what was happening to each of us. She slapped my face and said,"I don't ever want to hear you speak of your father like that again!" WOW ! The one person who could help now would not. So my sisters and I did what we could until we all got old enough to leave home. The sexual abuse and other abuses continued for many years.

In college when I was a sophomore, I had met up with a friend who happened along one cool evening in the month of October. (I believe to this day God had placed in my path) There had already been a turmoil raging within my own heart with family problems and also being told by another close friend that she did not like the person I was becoming.I had started to become more prideful and self assured of my life when in reality I was shattered and torn inside. I was popular, out going and had all the biblical answers to any question you wanted about your personal life.But deep inside I was very miserable. So with that in mind, I was needing to talk to someone. That friend sat with me and I know that what she shared that evening came straight from God because I then felt very lost and separated, already believing I was a christian. But in that cool fall evening of October 1975, I knew that Jesus was never in my heart as Lord and Savior. I had a head knowledge and not a heart experience with him. I saw how I was living a lie and was running from Gods truth instead of having it.Within the next few days the pastor of the church I was attending led me in the sinners prayer and I made Jesus for sure very alive and well in my heart and life from that date forward.

After that, things went well for me. So, as most Christians do, they continue in their walk as a new creature and with fervency and zeal I felt alive for the first time in my life. Even the colors of the earth were brighter and more brilliant to my eyes. I still struggled with my Christian walk as the years went by, but noticed that I struggled with the same old patterns that apparently I had no control over. Like always feeling like I was being used by friendships and getting hurt. I fell to the voices that spoke kindly, when, in fact, they were the ones I had given loyalty to, served, and then ended up being abandoned and left as an outcast.

Now that was how I perceived things. It was through shattered eye glasses which distorted the way I looked at people,situations and God. I had many broken pieces in my heart and life that kept me in spiritual bondage. I wanted the pattern to stop replaying. I desired to be whole and complete and I wanted the curses in my life to be broken once and for all.I was in a tail spin and did not know how to get out. Once again I felt a different seperation from God. One where I did not feel worthy to be a child because I could not do anything right with my life. I tried on my own always to do right and still ending up getting hurt over and over again by people I would place my trust.

One day a loving friend put her finger to my face and asked me "What is wrong with you?" Those words thundered through my head and reached inside my chest to my heart. I really did wonder what was wrong with my life. I knew that I had forgiven my parents and all. But I was left standing there with those words ringing in my head,"What really IS wrong with me?" Then the Lord revealed to me in that "still small voice" that I still had an issue with the things of my past.The painful memories I had pushed back were keeping me in chains. Oh boy! Well from that time on I asked God to search my heart as the verse says in Psalm 139:23-24 for the healing that was needed .I turned to Scriptures to help me with what I was not able to see. And prayed for God to reveal to me what it was that I needed to do about the past. I did pray "Create in me a clean heart O God.." (Psalm 51:10a)

I guess I tell you all of this just to let you know I have been there where the pain has been. There were times I thought my heart was being ripped out of my chest when God was pulling weeds by "their roots" to bring healing. Roots that were of unforgiveness and the fear of not being loved and accepted.And the fear of rejection ever so present. But Jesus came and restored that in my heart. He reached down inside my heart and turned it inside out exposing all the garbage that was hidden. In the verse in Isaiah 61:1-3,"The Spirit of the Lord is upon me; because he hath annointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; He hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and the opening of the prison to them that are bound. To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn, to appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness (despair, faintness); that they might be called the trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.