PAGE TWO OF MY DIARY
4-27-98 I really hate to write this, but-----the last 3 weeks have been horrible----especially the last few days. When I told someone that my 3rd and 6th weeks were the hardest, he had told me that his mother had said that and also added that she had said her 6th month was rough too. I'm hoping that my 5th month is just going to be like the 3rd and 6th weeks and that woman's 6th month. I'm hoping and praying that this horrible craving will soon go away. The other day I stood outside with co-workers and actually held one of their cig butts up to my nose and sniffed. (At least it wasn't in my mouth!! But--still rather sick--I know). I will have to admit that I have had some health and personal problems and have been depressed and stressed out. That is probably the big factor here. When I left work the other night (and was upset at the time) I started into the ladies locker room to get one cig from anyone's pack lying in there. I was a "wreck" and had said to myself "the heck with it"---but fortunately the officers had just been let out from roll call and for some reason they were all standing in the hallway in front of the ladies locker room. Therefore, I didn't go back there, I didn't get a cigarette, and I didn't smoke. Good for me! I wonder if the people who never smoked have any idea that I am still going through some torture here? (I don't want to discourage anyone--in all honesty I must say that it has only been "almost torture" the 3 times I have mentioned--my 3rd & 6th weeks and this month. )
5-14-98 I'm hanging in here and making it. Put a new "front page" up celebrating my six month anniversary as a nonsmoker. Certainly will be glad when that is one year! I am very proud of myself. It's been tough at times, but I've done it and continue to do it. There are days I never even think about cigs. The bad days are usually the stressful ones. It doesn't bother me to be around people who are smoking--which I thought it would. That one was a real shocker for me. As I said, the big trigger for me seems to be extreme stress. My life is calming down a little now and I can already see the difference in cravings.
6-2-98 Last week I was invited to speak at the "quit smoking" group. I still was having problems with cravings and thought it might help me as much or more than the ones trying to quit right now. Maybe it worked or maybe it's just because "that month" is now over---cause it is now better. Whew!! What a month!! I have hesitated to mention my weight gain because I know that can be very discouraging news if someone is thinking about quitting. (I know I used that one as an excuse along with many other excuses!) I think that I now realize though -- if you want to quit -- you will quit AND if you don't want to quit -- you won't. YES, there can be things that get in your way and make you backslide, BUT you will eventually quit if you really want to.
I wish I could wave a magic wand
and remove this "come on -- lets have just one more" demon from your life --
but only YOU can do that. YOU have to find the "trigger" to give you the incentive.
But maybe if you start thinking about it--really hard--health, relatives, clothing, the absolute hassel--it will come.
O.K.--back to the subject of weight gain--gheez I hate to write this--40 lbs. I know that I have used quitting as an excuse to eat and gain weight and that the stress has also contributed. During this "bad month", I have thought several times that if I didn't get with the program and start losing this weight that I would just go back to smoking. Now isn't that really stupid?!!! So--the demon still lurks and calls out my name!! But I am winning this battle.
6-16-98 The cravings are so much better now--not happening hardly at all. I'm really enjoying hearing from folks online who have read this diary. I feel so wonderful to know that this diary has helped someone!! (besides myself--I highly suggest anyone wanting to quit to write their feelings down)
8-5-98 Gheez! I had no idea that it had been soooooooooo long since I had written in this diary!! I bet if anyone has read it they probably thought I had gone back to smoking. Well--good news--NO!! I really wasn't sure I was going to make it through that 5th and 6th month, but I did. The urge may come often at times such as those, but it does NOT last long. I don't think about cigs often at all, but there are still times that I would like to light up. Guess I am going to be one of those unlucky folks who will always want one in the back of my mind. Personally, I am so glad that the cost is going up almost daily on cigs and that you feel like a criminal if you smoke. It would be too easy to go back to smoking if it weren't for those things. It's awful to think that cost and hassle come to mind before health--but if you smoke--you know how that goes!
10-5-98 Coming up on a year next month. Hard to believe!! No going back now as I will consider myself a true nonsmoker when I have reached that wonderful goal of one year!! Yes, I am sorry to say that I am one of the unfortunate ones who once in awhile would still like a cig and one who has gained weight. A lot of people of tell me that they have quit, cannot tolerate the smell of tobacco. I can't stomach the smell of "old cig smoke" in clothing, furniture, in cars and rooms. YUK!! But I still walk into the waves of smoke in the middle of the smokers standing outside work and take a deep breathe. Stupid, but I do it anyway. Certainly is better than running out there and joining them in a cig! A couple of weeks ago it finally hit me that I now need to work on the weight problem, so I am now walking daily and trying to control my diet. There's always something to conquer, isn't there?! That's called LIFE folks. And LIFE is what I am going to have a lot more of since I am no longer sucking on those expensive, harmful little white things.
11-10-98 I'm trying to break myself off of chewing gum. Not that big of a deal, but even with sugarless, my dentist would rather I not use it as my crutch. I know I have probably said this before, but I am going to say it anyway---I'm not one of the lucky ones who never, ever thinks about smoking. There are times I do think about it and I actually think I would enjoy having one---BUT I am a "recovered smoker" who chooses daily to no longer smoke. AND I'm pretty darn proud of myself!
11-23-98 This week is my FIRST ANNIVERSARY AS A NONSMOKER!! Hooray for me!!! I finally made it and feel I can "legally" hold my hand up as a nonsmoker!! Biggest accomplishment of my life--or at least the toughest and one I am sooooooooooooo very proud of myself for!!!!!!!!
12-4-98 I received a card from a person on the net congratulating me for my first year as a nonsmoker and then received an e-mail from her. Both touched me deeply--very deeply. She is now into her 5th week as a nonsmoker and I congratulate her!! I wrote back to her, encouraging her and am hoping she makes it. I think she will. The "trick" is to really want to and she certainly sounds like she wants to quit.
I have complained so much about the weight I have gained since I quit smoking, but I found out last week that I have a seriously low thyroid and THAT is why I have gained so much weight and been unable to lose it. Thank goodness! (You certainly hate to think that something you did so positive could end up with such negative results) I can't imagine ever going back to smoking---not having the freedom I have as a nonsmoker, paying the ever-rising costs of those nasty cigs, smelly sooooooooo badly, coughing, etc., etc., etc., etc.
12-5-98 I will be out of town for the birth of grandbaby #5 until well after the first of the year. I will continue to read my e-mail though. For all of you thinking about making a New Year's Resolution to QUIT --
JUST DO IT!!!
2-25-99 Still smoke free and it's a miracle!!! Did fine (even with the stress of new baby being in NICU for 2 wks.!! He's fine now and a real cutie!) until a couple of weeks ago and got very upset one night and I just know I would have picked up a cig and smoked it if there had been one around. It was too late to go to a store too. I am sooooooooo glad!!!! I know it wouldn't have been just one---I know I'd be back to my 2+ packs a day if I had smoked. Yes, there are still occasional bad time for me, but they truly are very few and far apart.
4-16-99 Yes, I am still smoke free. I had a very rough time after the above happening. That one night turned into a few weeks of wanting to smoke! I wasn't expecting that after all this time. It was kinda like that 3rd and 6th week and 5th month thing!! I came close to giving in, but just kept telling myself how much I would hate myself and what a disappointment I would be to my family. Had to go over all the many reasons I quit several times. I was even telling myself that the extra weight I've gained just had to be worse than smoking! HA!! I found out this week that I have a medical problem which has caused a great deal of the wt. gain-----and to think I almost gave in because I thought it was all from quitting!
5-23-99 I had a person tell me recently that she craved cigs the first two years after quitting, but after that -- no more. My cravings are very few once again and I am looking forward to a TWO YEAR anniversary of being a nonsmoker in Nov.
6-1-99 Won an award for this site. So guess I will leave it "up".
7-21-99 Three more months and it will be TWO YEARS!! It's
really hard to believe that I've done it -- I never thought I would give
up smoking -- while I was still smoking. Only other people were able
to do that -- not me. What a surprise.
I'm proud.
10-15-2002 They say that you can't really say you've "beat" a habit until it's been five years. I'm just a few weeks short of that now. I am so happy that I quit! I think maybe once in the past two years I've thought about what it would be like to have a cigarette. Otherwise, the only time I've thought about them was when I was sickened by someone smoking one! FIVE YEARS SMOKE FREE -- FIVE YEARS!! If I can do it, so can YOU!! (Oh, BTW - I do still smoke in my dreams.......but that's o.k........it doesn't harm my health or cost me a cent.)
1-14-03 On Jan. 24th I will undergo the first of two brain surgeries I'm to have for aneurysms. Yet one more thing that was most likely caused from all my years of smoking. My brain surgeon said they should have a warning for aneurysms on cigarette packs, but the truth is there wouldn't be enough room for all the warnings that need to be on a pack.
1-8-2005 I ended up having three brain surgeries and another illness with a close call with death. When I think about it, I feel that smoking caused my problems and if I hadn't quit, I wouldn't be here. I NEVER crave or want a cigarette, "don't smoke in my dreams" any longer, and I have lost a great deal of weight. I feel and look better than I have for a very long time. I look at the people who remain smokers and wonder "WHY?" - even though I smoked. I use to look at most of them with disgust. But since my brain aneuryms I have joined a wonderful online support group for survivors. Once a year they come from all over the country for an annual fund raiser. We have grown to know and love each other. We're family. But I was so shocked when I saw how many of them still smoked after having had a brain aneurysm, so now I only have concern and pity for the ones who continue to smoke. Don't they realize that Russian Roulette would be a safer bet than smoking?!
Do you have people around you who simply do not
understand how very difficult quitting this habit is or simply can't even
imagine how you got hooked? Tell them to Read
this.