These are my words:
Why does the sun have to shine? I just know, it's the end of the world, cuz you're not with us anymore.
Why does my heart go on beating?
I wake up in the morning and I wonder,
Why did you go, why'd you leave me,
Why does my heart go on beating? |
My son Nicholas (Nik as he liked to be called), had decided to go away to college. It was very painful for me, because my other boys (Mike and Tim) had attended local colleges, so they never left home. Nik wanted to leave Worcester, MA (the city we lived in) because he was so very tired of all the violence plaguing our city, and tired of seeing so many of his, and his brothers' friends die as a result of that violence.
I wasn't very happy watching my youngest child go off to a strange city where he knew no one, but, I always told my children that as long as they weren't hurting anyone, especially themselves, I would support whatever they decided to do with their lives.
Nik was so looking forward to getting a good education, he had dreams of becoming an Entrepreneur. He went so far as to dream that he would be the one to start my business for me, and buy me my first home. He was always concerned about our financial situation, so he felt that by going to school and doing the very best he could, he would be able to take care of his family, as he put it.
In August 1997, my husband and I took our son to college. The college was in Providence, Rhode Island, only one hour away from home but, to me it felt as if he had moved to the other side of the world. Like most kids, it was hard for him to adjust to dorm life at first, after all, he loved my cooking, and college food is nothing compared to moms. He made it a point to come home every weekend because he had a part-time job at the local mall; He wanted to earn money to pay for his car insurance. Every Friday he would meet me at my office and we would go to lunch then do a little shopping.
On Sundays, I would get up extra early to make a variety of his favorite dishes to take back to school with him, that way, he would have good food for the entire week. The food never lasted through the week though, as soon as his friends saw him coming, they would hang out in his room until the food was almost gone.
In November, school closed the week before Thanksgiving for Thanksgiving break. Nik worked full-time during this week; On November 26 (Thanksgiving Eve), he worked extra hours. When he got home I noticed that he didn't seem like himself. I asked him if there was something wrong, he simply told me that he was tired, but then he went on to tell me that he was a little upset because, some "guys" had stopped by the store and were standing at the store entrance just staring at him for a very long time. I asked him "who are these guys?" He said the names of a couple of them but, I didn't know who he was talking about. They were obviously some kids that lived in the city, but they were not friends' of Nik. I asked him if he had any problems with them or any trouble on the street, he said no.
Before coming home for the Thanksgiving break, Nik had made plans with one of his college friends, Smiley, go to New Jersey and visit Smiley during the break. Nik picked up the telephone and called Smiley to confirm the arrangements. He told Smiley what had happened at the mall, so Smiley suggested Nik take the next bus to New Jersey that night. Nik didn't want to do that because he wanted to spend Thanksgiving with our family. They agreed that he would take the first bus to New Jersey the day after Thanksgiving.
When Nik hung up the telephone, I asked him to sit and talk to me about what had happened earlier that night. He said there was really nothing to talk about; He said, he was simply doing his job and these "guys" just stopped by and stood at the doorway just staring at him.
I got a very strange feeling, like something was not right. I suggested he stay at home, we would order a pizza and rent a movie, but Nik had made other plans. He had seen some of his high school friends earlier that week and they made plans to meet at the high school football game that Wednesday night.
I still had this eerie feeling, so again, I suggested he stay home with me. He said "mom, I want to go to the game, because I haven't seen my friends since graduation, I will be back after the game, I'll be all right, don't worry." I told him to be very careful (that's what I always tell my children before they leave my sight), I also said, "see you later" (I never say goodbye). I told him I would order the pizza and we would have it when he returned from the game. Nik came straight home after the game.
That entire night was strange though, one thing was that Nik never ate on the run, he never took food out of the house and, whenever he was with his friends, they would always come into the house with him. That night, he piled the pizza on a paper plate and started walking out the door. I said, "Nik, sit down and eat," he said, "I can't right now ma, my friends are waiting for me in the car, we are going to the pool hall." Before he left he knocked on Tim's bedroom door, he asked Tim if he wanted to go play pool with him and his friends. Tim had come home from work and had gone to bed because he wasn't feeling well, so when Nik asked him if he wanted to go with him, Tim declined the offer, he told Nik he wasn't feeling well and was going to stay in bed. Again, I tried to convince Nik to stay at home, but he said he wanted to spend time with his high school friends before he went to New Jersey. I told him to be very careful, I said see you later, and again he said, don't worry, that was at 9:00 p.m.
Ten minutes later, there was a knock at my door, my husband opened the door and the mother of one of boys Nik was with was standing there, she looked like she had seen a ghost. I knew something was terribly wrong just by the way she looked and by the sound of her voice. I asked her what was wrong, she just stood there in shock and said, "Nik got shot in front of my house." My heart sank to the floor, I asked her if he was going to be all right, and how this had happened. All she said was that when her son, her nephew and Nik got out of the car and were walking towards her house, a car came flying down the street and someone in a car started shooting. I knew by the look on her face that Nik was not going to be all right, but she never did answer that question.
I don't remember getting into our car, all I remember is, my husband, my son Tim, and I went to her house to find out where Nik had been taken. There were lots of police on the scene, and they had already put up the yellow tape that read "crime scene do not cross." I jumped out of the car and asked one of the officers where my son had been taken. He looked at me and said "lady, I don't know, now why don't you calm down and get back in your car." It took every ounce of energy to not punch him in the face. How dare he tell me to calm down? My son had just been shot, no one in the police department took the time to notify us of what had happened, and I'm supposed to calm down.
Tim guided me back to the car and started talking to the cop; He told Tim that we should check all the closest hospitals. Great answer, since there are 4 hospitals in that vicinity. We went to the hospital we thought was closest, all the way there I kept saying, "he's dead, I know he's dead." Neither Tim nor my husband wanted to hear that, but I knew, in my heart, that Nik was dead.
When we arrived at the hospital, I asked one of the nurses' if Nik was there, she said yes, she told us we had to fill out some paperwork and then go into a very small room and wait for the doctor. I kept asking everyone I saw if they knew whether or not Nik was all right, but no one answered me. Within minutes the doctor came into the room, just by the look on his face I knew my worst fears had become reality. He asked if we were the family of Nicholas Diaz, when we said yes, he lowered his head and said, "I'm sorry, there was nothing we could do." Those words pierced right through my heart, just like the bullet that pierced my son's heart, only I was alive and my son wasn't.
It was total chaos from that moment on. People came from everywhere, in no time, the emergency room was overfilled with family and friends.
As we were waiting for them to allow us to see Nik, I received a call from the Organ Donor Bank. I was so disorientated, I told them I couldn't talk to them. When we returned home, I received another call from the Organ Donor Bank, they asked if I would consider donating any of my son's organs. I nearly fainted, I thought, how could these people be so very inconsiderate to ask me something like that now, but somehow I managed to keep my cool.
I later found out, that they have to take whatever organs are going to be donated immediately, because that's the only time they are useful. I called my family into the room and asked them if they would agree to donate some of Nik's organs; We all agreed that, since in life, Nik was such a giving and loving person, he should remain so in death.
Today, someone may be seeing better because of Nik, a burn victim won't have severe scars, because of Nik, a heart attack patient may be living a healthier life, because of Nik, and someone with a brain injury is not so critical...ALL BECAUSE OF NIK.
Nik was a very affectionate, loving, caring, giving and compassionate young man; He enjoyed his family, friends and life. He wasn't ashamed or afraid to demonstrate his love for us or to us; He loved our family vacations, his fishing trips with his dad, spending time with his brothers and doing things they all loved to do. They shared the same love of sports, music and movies; He enjoyed his friends very much and helped them with whatever he could. He never liked physical confrontations, his way of dealing with negative people was to talk it out. He never went through that phase of being embarassed to be seen with his parents. He would hold my hand in public or put his arm around me. Whenever we went anywhere he would open the door for me, because that's what a gentleman does for a lady.
When he started working, he always made sure he had presents bought ahead of time, be it for Birthday's, Father's Day, Mother's Day or Christmas. Before Nik was killed, he had already purchased some Christmas presents. Since we were not celebrating Christmas, Tim took it upon himself, on Christmas Eve, to give me the present Nik had bought for me, it was a beautiful brown leather jacket. I never had the chance to say thank you, I never had the chance to say GOOD BYE.
It took the Worcester, MA Police Department nearly 3 years to make an arrest in the death of my son, and another year to convict them.
It didn't matter what happend to this/these individuals my son will never return.
When people ask me what I miss most about my son, I say, his face; his smile; the big bear hugs he'd give me; the funny faces he made; the funny dances he used to make up; his love; his attention; his compassion; our conversations but...the thing I miss the most is MY SON. There isn't one particular thing I can pick out that I miss the most.
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(c)1999 Clara Diaz