"A Sinner, Not An Addict"
The personal testimony of
Lady Susan, a member
It wasn't that I didn't know of God. I had been raised in a church going family and attended a parochial school for eight and a half years. There just seemed to be so much confusion going on in the church that I just gave up on it. No one thought to explain that the rituals and the regulation around a religion were not really of any importance. That's not what it was supposed to be about.
I left home and met a nice fellow. We married, had children, bought a house, got a dog...all the "normal" things people do. One house led to another. One car wasn't enough, so we got a second one. He worked long hours to pay the bills. I got a job to help out. The years of trying to make it on our own began to take its toll on me. I was trying to be Super Mom and failing miserably. God just never seemed to come to mind except when things were at their darkest. "God, let that check clear the bank today." "God, don't let the bill collector call the house while I'm at work, but my husband's home."
Then I found the perfect way to "solve" all our problems. Surely it would take just a little luck to make it at the casino. Money didn't come too fast, but you know they really made me feel special there. I went back. At first it was every once in a while; then I went more often. I swore to myself that I'd stop come winter because of the snow. I did not. There were some good days, but not many. One thing that did happen at this time was, I began to pray a lot more . . . mostly in front of the machine, "God, let me get out of here with some money in my pocket and I promise I won't come back."
Things got so bad that I found myself at the casino, in trouble, hiding from my family and boss, and on the verge of committing suicide. After two days there with no sleep, just a short drive in the car should cause me to fall to sleep and crash. A look at the cars in the lot and I could see that a very hard frost had hit. I could accept death, but not being cold if I failed. I did not get in the car and drive, as much as I wished I could be dead.
The next morning I found myself, arrested, embarrassed, ashamed, confused, unemployed, and very much alive. Well, just barely alive. I was so lost and couldn't figure out how I got here. I had not a clue as to where I was going. Just barely functioned for a time.
I was directed to join a Gambler's Anonymous group. Went because all I could do was follow directions. There I met some people who had a plan, 12 Steps to help me get away from this addictive behavior. They were helpful people and helpful steps. The first step says that on my own I am powerless in this addiction. I had no trouble accepting that notion. I had never felt so helpless in all my life. Step two asked me to consider that there was a power greater than myself. I sure hoped there was. Step three said to turn my life over to the care of my greater power. So I tried. I had no better concept of a greater power than I had of God. But, I thought I was doing what was asked of me. I was trying to be good, to make amends, and just to live right.
Something was missing.
I couldn't do it on my own.
I needed a new job; this is not what was missing. In fact, you could say that it was all a part of a "God" plan. It took a while, but I did find a job and there I worked on several teams before I was settled with a permanent one. We knew each other by first names. Bob G. began to talk to me on breaks about Jesus. I was only too happy to listen. Our conversations carried over into our conversations during work. This guy had something going on with Jesus. After some time Bob and his wife invited me to church. Maybe that was what I needed. So I went. And I kept going back, not because I "had" to, but rather because I wanted to. Bob and I kept talking and I later found out that he and his wife kept praying for me. I began to see that I was a sinner, not an addict. I could be little else on my own. However, I could be forgiven, if I would accept Jesus as my Savior. He had already been crucified for me. I just needed to accept His gift of grace. One Sunday the altar call was given and my spirit would not let me be still any longer. I went forward and asked God's forgiveness and accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.
Now I wake up every morning with a song of praise already on my lips. I am learning to trust God for my needs and seeking His direction for my life. Now I read MY Bible, go to Bible studies and Sunday school classes. I have a small ministry in my church. I attend services regularly. I do these things joyfully now. I pray and sing to the Lord all through the day, because He is God and worthy and because I love to be in communion with Him.
My husband has been out of work due to disabilities for more than six months out of the last year. In my old life this would have led to so much worry and wrong choices. Today I am counting on the Lord to provide and He has not let me down. He is an 11:59 God. Things happen in His time, but I have seen it be perfect time and time again.
And don't let anyone tell you that God doesn't have a sense of humor. Don't let anyone say that He is not in control of it all. The fellow from work, Bob G., well the G stands for GAMBLE. That's how I know that the Lord put him there just so I could find HIM! Also, Bob's wife has been a blessing to me. She has been faithful in her prayers and a friend in good times and bad.
Lady Michele: The Healer's Hands
Lady Linda: Reunited in Christ