I wasn't an unruly child. Never really got into much trouble and tried hard to please everyone. But often I felt empty inside, never felt like I measured up, and longed for a deeper meaning to life. I figured the answer was to work hard and maybe someway I would find significance eventually.
Years went on, I got married, and began my own family. In 1981, bad news hit. My husband came out of remission with cancer and the doctors feared he wouldn't live. What faith I had, was now sorely shaken. I found myself angry with God. I couldn't understand why He would allow something so terrible to happen to me, if He loved me. I was terrified I would lose my husband.
During this time, I met a new friend who began praying for our family. One night, we were talking and she asked if I believed in God. When I said yes, she asked if I had a personal relationship with Him. I didn't know how to reply. I told her I tried really hard to live right, but lately was feeling like I had failed, because God was letting all of this happen to my husband.
Anna asked me if I knew God loved me. I told her I was sure he did, but just couldn't understand what I needed to do, to be a Christian. I explained to her that it just felt too hard, to try and be perfect all the time. I told her I was so tired of not measuring up.
Anna shared Ephesians 2:8-9 from the Bible with me. It says, "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this is not from yourselves, it is a gift of God--not by works, so that no one can boast." Anna told me God not only loved me, but He loved me unconditionally. There were no standards I had to keep. No requirements I had to meet. He loved me just for who I was. I can't begin to share what relief washed over me when she told me that. It sounded so simple.
Anna went on to say everyone does things they wish they wouldn't do. It's our sin nature. She's showed me in the Bible where it says "All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23 and "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." Romans 6:23.
Quickly, Anna pointed out, that God had a plan of salvation for me. She shared John 3:16 which reads, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him, should not perish but have everlasting life." Anna suggested another way to read that verse was to put my name in there where I could. "For God so loved Beverly that He gave His only begotten Son, that if she believes in Him, she will not perish but have everlasting life."
Then Anna showed me Revelations 3:20 "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me." She told me Jesus loved me, provided a way for me to live with Him eternally, and wanted to fellowship with me, but He also had given me free choice. I would need to see that I was a sinner in need of a Savior, and I would have to ask Him to come into my heart. He will not push Himself where He was not wanted. So, I had a choice to make; to either accept Jesus for who He was, or reject Him.
A light had been turned on in my heart that day. Immediately, I saw what I had been searching for my entire life; unconditional love, forgiveness, and an eternity with my creator. That night, I gave my heart to Jesus.
I didn't know what God had in mind for my future and I didn't know how He would answer my prayers in regard to my husband's health. I only knew that He was the one who held all things in His hands, and if I couldn't trust Him with whatever I held precious, then who could I trust?
It has been several years now, that I have been a Christian. There have been times when my prayers have been answered, and other times when I have had to accept His will. This isn't always easy but it's important for me to remember that God knows what is best. God's word tells us in Romans 8:28, "And we know that God causes ALL things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."
I have also had times when I've fallen back and stepped out of His will for my life. Being a Christian doesn't mean I'm perfect. I make mistakes and suffer the consequences for them too. It's just important for me to remember my debt was paid in full, long ago on a cross, by my Savior. Because I love Him, I seek to live my life as He would want me to, so that I can fellowship with Him and be a light to others.
I love the Bible verse which reminds me, "The steps of good men are directed by the Lord. He delights in each step they take. If they fall it isn't fatal, for the Lord holds them with His hand." Psalm 21:23-24
If you would like to pray and invite Jesus into your heart, I welcome you to say this prayer:
Heavenly Father, I confess that the only way I can be reconciled to you is through the atoning sacrifice of your only Son, Jesus Christ. I now accept the free gift of everlasting life and put my trust in Christ's complete payment for all my sins. In response to your love toward me, I now make a commitment to turn away from my sins, and to begin a new life of love and obedience to you, with the help of your Holy Spirit. This I pray in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen
to be the candle,
or the mirror that reflects it."
-Edith Wharton-
