Bill and I were married in 1975. For three years after our marriage we struggled to have children, finally giving in and visiting a fertility specialist. We were informed that both of us had minor problems-with a "normal" companion we would be able to have children-with each other our chances of ever having children were less than 10%. After three years of fertility drugs and a failed pregnancy we decided to adopt. My parents had adopted two little girls thirteen years before, and provided support and encouragment. We looked around for agencies, completed a homestudy, and sat down to wait. Bill was, at this point, working full time in a factory and I was woring full time at a nearby college. We owned a small, three bedroom home. The nusury was ready, and we were ready. We waited for days, weeks, months, and years with no match. Our agency, LDS Social Services, was overwhelmed with calls from us asking 'how much longer?'. Then, finally, we got the call.
Nuria
Bill and I had just gotten home from work. We were preparing
dinner together, laughing and talking happily. It was a Friday, a
beautiful day in April. The phone rang and I picked it up.
It took me a minute to realize what our social worker was saying-they had
a birthmother due in three days and we were the first family on the list.
All of a sudden it registered and Bill and I were in tears of joy-both
on the phoor more details. A friend of Bill's arrived on Saturday
to stay overnight. Since we could not tell others of the baby until
the birth we couldn't discuss the baby, or even get the nursury ready.
Our social worker called on Sunday-announcing the baby had been born.
He and his wife came to visit. I wrote notes with the wife, as we
couldnt' discuss the birth in front of ill's friend. "5 lbs. 6 oz."
read one note. "Dark hair" read another. And the note that
took my breath away, "mother wants her". The mother wasn't to have
seen the baby, but she had and-of course-had fallen in love. Our
social worker talked with her, and she did the most loving thing she could.
Nuria Lynn arrived home on Thursday.
Pauline
Nuria was two years old. She was moving from baby to toddler-and
I wasn't happy about it! I was hungry for another baby. We
contacted our agency, LDS Social Services, again. They told us the
wait would be longer, as childless parents had priority. A month
later they called-saying they had a birthmother who had requested an "oldrer,
professional couple with other adopted children". We were the fifth
matching family-the other five had been unable to pay the high fees involved
because the birthmother was located in Las Vegas, across state lines.
We glanced at each other-though we were well-off we couldn't afford the
fees they quoted us either. We quickly called family and explained
the situation. By the end of the day we had half of the fees promised.
When we caleld back they explained the details. The mother was only
five months along, but she was very dedicated to the idea of adoption.
She was married, but she and her husband did not want children.
They already know the baby was a girl. We worked through LDS Social
Services for three months, however we decided we wanted more openess than
this agency offered. Our wonderful social worker gave the woman our
phone number and a week later she flew to Utah to meet our family.
She called us when she went into labor, and we drove very quickly from
Utah to Las Vegas. Pauline Camille was three hours old when we held
her for the first time.
Gerri and Meli
Pauline was three now, and Nuria almost five. We had just moved
to a new, six bedroom home, and had updated our homestudy but we hadn't
thought a lot about another child. It was a busy day when a social
worker from the state called. She told us of two little girls, the
same ages as our girls, who needed a good home. We met the littl
egirls and knew immediatly they were to be ours. Five year old Gerri
Michelle and three year old Meli Leigh came home two weeks later.
I took six months off work to be home with my daughters. Gerri and
Meli brought so much joy to our homes. It was wonderful having four
little girls so close in age-all four were best of friends. I was
pleased with my girls, but Bill was missing something. He longed
for a son to play sports with, to take fishing, and to love. So we
called around and found an agency that was open to families with unfinalized
adoptions. We requested a healhty, caucasion baby boy, under the
age ofsix months. They called just a month later. They had
a healthy, caucasion baby boy for us-but they also had two other baby boys.
The oldest was nearly a year, and had facial figures that indicated a genetic
disorder-or possbily very mild Downs Syndrome. The second baby was
six months old, and was Native American. The Native American baby
needed a family that was of Native American decent, my father was Native
American. We went down to the office and met these theree boys.
We prayed about them, and talked about them, but we could not make a decision.
We called the agency and asked about the possibility of adopting all three
boys.
Lars, Radclyff, and Knoton The agency told us they would have to try placing the boys in other homes first. Our hearts fell. Radclyffe was a healthy, caucasion infant. He was sure to find a home. Would it be better to take Radclyffe and let go of Lars and Knoton? But we felt we could not do this, and so for four weks we waited impatiently. The agency called-and we learned they had been unable to find a home for any of the boys. Radclyff had been turned down by five families! Lars Michael, Knoton Lee, and Radclyffe Chandler came home on a leap year, Febuary 29, 1989. I hadn't planned on the chaos "triplets" would bring to our home. Though on different levels-Lars ahd just started walking, Knoton was crawling, and Radclyffe was just rolling over-they managed to want everything at the same time-feedings, diaper changes, toys. The next two months were spent settling in. Eventually we settled in on a schedule. I quit my job so I could stay home with the kids. The boys seemed to grow so quickly. Radclyff walked at ten months, and suddenly I had three mobile boys on my hands. The boys ate everything-dirt, bugs, paper clips, erasers, and probably other things that I thankfully don't know about! I once found Radclyff in the washroom with a dead moust on its way to his mouth. Lars ate so many erasers that his stomach had to be pumped-after which all pencils were put out of reach.
Families, twinning, and adoption issues
We've dealt with many comments over the years. "Which kids are
yours?," a stranger in the mall will ask. To my reply, "All
of them," we receive a "No, I mean which kids are really yours?"
A slight variation on the "real" kids is the "natural" kids. "Which
kids are natural?" (all of them) or the "normal" kids, "Which kids
are normal?". My reply? "None of them!". Our family does
not use the words "real", "natural", or "normal". We are all real,
natural human beings, each of us with our own "normal".
Twinning has worked well for our family. Each child has a playmate of their own age, a best friend living in the same home. Our girls have dressed alike since they were old enough to choose their own clothes-they enjoy being asked if they're twins.
As we deal with the issues involved in adoption-rude comments, interracial families, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, twinning, and the many issues we come across our family grows closer and becomes stronger.
School Blues, Chocolate Cake, and Family Trees
In September 1989 Gerri and Nuria began kindergarten. Both girls
had attended preschool, and I thought I had prepared them well for this
event. I was proved wrong when they returned shortly after eleven
o'clock, they had climbed the fence while at recess and walked home.
Two months after begining school the girls came home with notes announcing
their first field trip to the Hogle Zoo. The girls had new shoes
on as they walked out the door on the day oof the field trip. That
afternoon when I went to pick the girls up I found an apologetic teacher
and two barefooted girls-who explained they had given their shoes to the
monkeys. Ten years later I still refuse to pay more than $20 for
a pair of shoes-and our kids never wear new shoes to the zoo!
The girls were at school, and the boys-now three-were playing on the porch. I set a freshly frosted chocolate cake on the counter, then rushed to answer the door. I explained to the salesman that we were not interested, then went back to the kitchen-where I found Knoton on the counter and Lars and Radclyff on the floor. The cake was plastered on the faces of all three boys.
The trials and tribulations were getting to me, as I ordered the five children to their room to nap late on a Saturday afternoon. The boys hurried to their room, where I put on their new C.D. and tucked them into bed. A half hour later I heard singing from the room. I went in to scold the children-and found all five of them jumping on the bed, singing loudly the first few words of Tom Chapin's Family Tree. "We're a family, we're a family!". Tears filled my eyes as I closed the door softly and returned to the kitchen.
Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and The Boys Start School
After three years of testing to discover what Lars' "genetic problem"
was we finally got an answer. Lars was diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol
Syndrome. This explained a number of things-his short attention span,
his inability to follow directions, and his difficulty in performing even
the simplest of tasks. Once we knew what was wrong we were able to
work with Lars frequently, and ihe is now working on grade level.
We enrolled all three boys in the same kindergarten class. The teacher had taught all four of our girls, and had become a very special part of our childrens' education. We waved the boys and their sisters-Gerri and Nuria were in fifth grade and Meli and Pauline in third-out the door. The day passed without any tragedies. It took Lars longer than the other boys to master skills sucn as reading and counting, so we enrolled him in a preschool program three days a week. With the extra help Lars was soon working on the same level as his brothers.
Lavell, Philomena, and Jodianne: Our foster care experience
The boys were five now, and we were ready for another child.
We contacted a variety of agencies, but after a year we still didn't have
any leads. So, when someone mentioned foster care we looked at each
other and said "Why not?". Lavelle was our first forster child, she
was just a year old. Philomenta, an eleven year old girl, came just
a year later. Philomena was quickly accepted by our eleven-year-olds,
Gerri and Nuria. And the baby, Lavelle, was watched over by her eight
older brothers and sisters. We'd had her only three months before
she went home. Watching her leave broke our hearts. Three months
later she was back, none the worse for her wear. She was home only
three months before she was returned again. Four weeks later our
daughter was in the hospital with third degree burns. Three months
later she was sent back again for another month. She was sent back
one month later. This time when she returned she brought with her
a little sister, six month old Jodianne. Both girls were returned
six months later. Four months after they were returned the mother
was arrested for drug use. The girls were removed and parental rights
were finally terminated. We adopted Philomena Marie, Lavelle Louisa,
and Jodianne Kyliee in Febuary of 1996.
The Foster Care Experience
Lavelle, Philomena, and Jodianne were not our only foster children.
In Febuary of 1997 we had Troy and Marty, thirteen and dfifteen year old
brothers, for two months. In April 1997 came Elise, Rachel, and Allison-seven,
five, and two year old sisters, who were with us for four months.
In October 1997 came Jacob, Taylor, and Candace, five year old twin boys
and their two year old sister, who stayed for eight months. In November
of 1997 Scottie and Carson, four and one year old siblings, arrived for
a four month stay, followed in October 1998 by Cortt and Chase who stayed
four months. Our last foster child was six month old Merilee who
arrived in January 1999 for a stay of only three weeks.
Troy and Marty were returned to their birthmother. Just ten days
later they were back in foster care. In Febuary 1998 they were returned
again. They remain with their birthmother, and seem to be ding well.
Elise, Rachel, and Allison also went home to their birthmother and stepfather.
They are doing great. Jacob, Taylor, and Candace went home to their
birthmother as well. They now have a daddy and a new little brother,
Seth. Scottie and Carson are doing fine with their birthparents.
Chase and Cortt's parents remarried, and so far things are going smoothly.
Merilee went back to her parents and seven siblings. They recently
moved from their two bedroom apartment to a five bedroom home.
Romney Edward
I couldn't understand what the doctor was saying. She had to
say it very slowly, and it took a few minuts for it to register.
It aws impossible, less than 10% chance, but it was true. I was pregnant.
I enjoyed every minute of the next five months. I eagerly bought
a full wardrobe of maternity clothes, I was so excited to have a pregnancy
show. Unlike an "adoption pregnancy" the congradulations came before
the baby. Romney Edward was born in August of 1993. He was
9 lbs. 6 oz.-a big baby! He was a healhty, beautiful baby-with dark
hair and brown eyes. He grey quickly and was guarded by his older
siblings every moment of the day.
One neighbor asked when we were pregnant if we were going to return the adopted children-now that we could have children of our own. This neighbor had four children of her own, three with special needs. I replied "Do you plan to send back your three oldest children, now that you have a healhty child?". This woman has since adopted two children-both older. She is working on adopting a third, and is expectin another by birth.
The Everitt Zoo
I returned from the grocery store with our two youngest, one year old
Romney and six month old Jodianne, to find the house in chaos. The
three boys, six years old, were running outside with the dog, through the
sprinklers, in their birthday suits. The five girls, eight to ten,
were darting through the field after the rabbits and ducks. Lavelle
was pulling the cat's tail and sobbing as the cat attacked. And Bill?
He was lying on the couch-asleep.
My husband and children weren't the only animals in the Everitt zoo. Over the years we've had two turtles, two snakes, two frogs, numerous fish, three dogs, fifteen cats, two iguanas, five birds, a couple dozen gerbils, dozens of ducks and geese, and more rabbits than I could possibly count. Animals have always been a part of our children's life. They have taught important lessons-responsibility, gentleness, love, and death. They have become official members of the family-running in and out of the house with the children, sharing ice cream cones, and getting haircuts. They keep me nearly as busy as the children themselves!
Chyou Hua: child of a dream
Six months had passed since we'd adopted our foster children.
It had been a long night-and I fell into bed exhausted. That night
I dreampt of a child. The baby, a girl, was Asian-with brown eyes
and straight black hair. She was dressed in yellow, and sat in a
metal crib. She reached out to me, and I bent to pick her up, but
I could not reach her. I dreampt about this little girl for days,
and eventually gave the child of my dreams a name-found in a book, long
forgotten. Chyou Hua which, in Chinese, means Autumn Flower.
We began a search for the child of my dream. We looked domestically-sending
a dear birthmother letter to numerous agencies, but my heart told me my
daughter was overseas. We examined the possibilities, and learned
that most Asian countries had limits on family sizes, our family of ten
was too large. We were, at one point, matched with a Chinese birthmother.
She gave birth to a litle boy. We discussed it, and decided to accept
the little boy, however the birthmother chose to keep him at the last minute.
China:Country of choice
In July of 1997 I was able to go to China with a girl I had worked
with who was adopting as a single parent. During the three weeks
I spent in that country my love for the children of China grew immensly-and
I decided that was where my daughter was to come from. I contacted
the agency as soon as I arrived at home and asked them to send our dossier
in. They told me it was impossible, that China allowed only small
famlies. By September I was nearly ready to give up on my dream,
when the agency called. They had a little girl for us, ten months
old. The baby had been adopted, from China, by a single mother.
She had multiple disabilities, a cleft lip, a heart murmur, respitory problems,
faulure to thrive, and severe delays-that hte single mother could not deal
with. The baby had been in the US since July, her adoptive mother
had been in China when I had been traveling with my friend. They
brought her to us three days later. She had brown eyes and straight
black hair-and was wearing a yellow sleeper.
Maverick, Tajuan, Dyami, Chumani, Cherika
In January, after our referall with the Chinese boy fell through, we decided
we would like toa dopt a large sibling group. We sent our homestudy
to a few local agencies. When we were caught up in the international
search we nearly forgot about those appliciations-until we go tthe call.
This agency had three children. Two boys, ages five and three, from
a first husband and eleven month old girl from a second husband.
The boys had been in foster care for two years. All three children
were Native American. The mother was also pregnant, due the next
month. Things began in a rush, preparing four rooms for the children,
filling out paperwork, meeting the children, and foster parents...
The boys, Maverick Kevin and Tajuan Joshua, moved in on the thirteenth
of August. On August twentieth we were informed that the birthmother
was in labor. She gave birth to twin girls, Chumani Jean and Cherika
Felice. The girls were tiny, 4 lbs. 5 oz. and 2 lbs. 15 oz.
Cherika was born with underdeveloped lungs. Nine days after the girls
birth we learned that the birthmother wanted to keep the babies.
One little, two little, three little indians
Dyami May moved in on the first of September, just a few days after
her first birthday. On September fifth the birthmother relinquished
Chumani and Cherika. Chumani came home but Cherika remained in the
hospital until the twenty-ninth of September. Cherika was on oxygen
for a few days, and was on an apnea monitor until December. She experienced
some delays because of her extended hospital stay and lack of stimulation.
Dyami and Cherika settled in well, Maverick and Tajuan struggled with the
move and tested the limits unmercifully for the first few weeks-and then
settled in and adjusted. We remained in contact with the birthmother,
the maternal grandparents, and the boys' foster parents-with letters, phone
calls, and even an occasional visit. The boys spent two weeks with
their foster parents-and all five children visited their grandparents in
New York. The five children and the three older girls flew to New
York at the expense of the grand parents. Unfortunatly, the boys
came down with chicken pocks and spent the entire vacation in bed.
The grandparents have not requested another visit, but they continue to
send the children numerous elaborate gifts.
Manjua
It was December 1998, one month after finalizing the adoption of Maverick,
Tajuan, Dyami, Chumani, and Cherika. We had begun considerin ganother
child and had an updated homestudy, but we hadn't begun looking for a child
yet. We were contacted by a large adoptive familiy who had lived
nearby until their move a few months before. The parents had decided
to seperate, and disrupt the adoption of their newest child-a six year
old girl from Vietnam. Eager for another Asian child, we accepted
quickly and she was brought to us a week alter. Manjua appeared to
be a quiet, withdrawn child. She celebrated her seventh birthday
just days after her arrival. At the sight of the many gifts, traditional
on the first birthday at home, she opened up. Manjua has blossomed
into a beautiful young girl. She is in the first grade, is reading
English and performing well in math, and enjoys the company of her brothers
and sisters, particularly Lavelle, who is just three months younger.
to send the children numerous elaborate gifts.
Virginia Dawn
Just before Manjua's arrival we had contacted an agency about Russian
adoption, sent in our I-600A, and decided to await a referall, specifying
either a large sibling group or an Asian child. The agency told us
about a sibling group of five on their waiting lists, not yet out of the
data banks. We accepted them immediatly, and purchased tickets for
our first trip-where both of us would meet the children and go in front
of the judges. We planned to stay three days, and the children would
be escorted to us after they were off the data banks. Just two weeks
before we traveled, the agency called telling us that the children had
been adopted in Russia. The agency asked if we would like to view
some of their other waiting children, available for adoption immediatly.
We agreed, and found on the listings a seventeen month old girl.
We had seen this girl before, on two different photolistings on the internet.
We had discussed her, but she had been removed before we had requested
more information, we assumed she had been placed. But she was to
be our next daughter, Virginia Dawn.
Off to Russia
In March Bill flew to Russia to meet a sibling group of four, a sibling
group of three, two Asian girls, and a special needs baby boy-and to consider
the possibility of adding one of these children to our family. Bill
was gone to weeks, and came back bearing reports on each of these children-but
when we looked at our budget we determined that we could not afford the
fees the agency was quoting-some were over $30,000-so we set Russia on
a shelf for a time.
Adding to the zoo
I'd jokingly told the neighbor I'd take any animal that didn't eat
rodents, I hadn't expected her to take me seriously. But there she
was on the doorstep with two frogs, two snakes, an iguana, and a baby opposum
(complete with license, tags, and two hour feedings). In moved the
animals, joining our eight ducks, three cats, dog, two turtles, and our
iguana. Afew days later Lavelle came to me with two cats in her arms-neither
of them ours. After some detective work I determined that our cat-loving
neighbors had moved, leaving their seven cats behind-so Princess, Coal,
Rat Face, Prince, Fuzzy, Patchwork, and Dial joined our cats-Tigger, Cheshire,
and Tabitha.
David Benjamin
In Febuary, while reading the adoption message boards, I came across
a message on a little boy whose adoption was disrupting. David was
nine, and had been in the US for a year, but he did not like his current
family and had asked for a white, hearing family. David moved in
two weeks later. Soon after his arrival I had him tested for ADHD
and he was placed on Ritalin. In between cleaning up his messes,
changing his wet sheets, and administering his medication I learned to
love this energetic, somewhat angry little boy. We sent him off to
school, only to pick him up from the principal's office after a fight.
He taught us patience, love, and understanding. We replaced his bed
after the matress broke-from his jumping on it, and watched him run from
the neighbor's yard with the neighbor chasing after him-yelling "It's one
of those Everitt boys!". We taught him responsibility, walking him
back to the neighbors to apologize, and he taught me responsibility as
I paid for the broken window-mentally deducting that amount from our food
envelope and coming up with a list of ways David could earn money.
But the day he came to me-tears in his eyes-and said, "Mom, I wish I had
a brother MY age"-that day would change our lives forever.******