Jokes

Jokes

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

WHAT A WOMAN SAYS:
Cmon...This place is a mess!
You and I need to clean.
Your pants are on the floor
and you'll have no clothes
if we don't do laundry now!

WHAT A MAN HEARS:
C'MON....blah, blah, blah
YOU AND I blah, blah, blah
blah, blah ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW!

A married couple was enjoying a dinner in a fancy restaurant when a sexy brunette walked over to their table and exchanged warm greetings with the husband before she walked away.

"Who was that?" the wife demanded.

"If you must know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress."

"Your mistress? That's it!! I want a divorce!!" the wife screamed.

The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, "Are you sure you want to give up our big home in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs and jewlery, and our vacation home in Mexico?"

For a long time they continued to dine in total silence. Finally, the woman nudged her husband and asked, "Isn't that Randy over there? Who is he with?"

"That's HIS mistress," her husband calmly replied.

"Oh," she said, taking a bite of desert. "Our's is much cuter."