"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews; the replies from the maintenance crews follow:

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement." Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough." Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid." Solution: "#2 Propeller seepage normal. Problem : #1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't." Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit." Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear." Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud." Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield." Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent." Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative." Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick." Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing." Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

MORE AMUSING MUSINGS...

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?... If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?... Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do a "practice"?... When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?...Why do they report power outages on TV?... What do you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?... If a funeral procession is at night, do people drive with their lights off?... If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest will it make a sound?... Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?... Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?... If a parsley farmer were sued, would they garnish his wages?... If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has a right to remain silent?... When combat pilots are debriefed, do they have to depants them first?... Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid somebody will clean them?

JOCK ITCH?

From Bob "I am the Voicecaster" Lloyd comes this "Justification for higher education" in answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?"

Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute, he averages about 30 minutes per game. Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)! Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.

If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike) He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be 'reimbursed' $33,390 for that round. Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1997.

If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600. Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it? BUT: Jordan will have to save 100% of his income for 270 years to have a net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates. NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE!

STOP FOLLOWING ME!

(More Bumper Stinkers):

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools .

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

I love cats ... they taste just like chicken .

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.

Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!

Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

When there's a will, I want to be in it!

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He/She who laughs last thinks slowest.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

PARK AND LOCK IT.

A businessman walks into a bank in Boston and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls-Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is; why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The businessman replied: "Where else in Boston can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

NOW YOU KNOW IT!

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers...We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on...To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.A lobster breathes by taking in water through its legs, and letting it out through its head. Odd, but not to the lobster, who thinks we breathe funny maybe. Clouds are high flying fogs...I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing....Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do... A blizzard is when it snows sideways... The wind is like the air, only pushier... Thunder is a rich source of loudness...Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound...It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places...Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man...

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost children while living in the White House.
Both were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names compromise fifteen letters.
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And last but not least ?

A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.

AMISH LOGIC

From Chris Yoder (who urges you to visit the steam-powered Yoder Website at http://www.genealogy.org/~yoder/) comes this sweet and sour food-for-thought:

What was the best thing before sliced bread? . . If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?. . How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?. . If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?. . . What's another word for thesaurus? . . Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?. . What do they use to ship styrofoam? . . Why is abbreviation such a long word? . . Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container? . . How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes? . . Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? . .and . . When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

"We grow too soon old and too late wired..."
Phil "Yoda" Proctor

TABLE THAT NOTION

Some more samples of New Elements for the Periodic Table by readers of The Washington Post:

Canadium Eh: Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron.

Innofensium Pc: Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.

Budweisium Ps: Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.

Cabmium Cb: Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.

Snot Sn: Bonds forever with corduroy.

WRITE ON

"During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about US $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.

"The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil. "

NOW THAT'S A BAAAAD VIRUS!!!

ATTENTION: Here's the latest breaking news on the GOODTIMES virus.

It turns out that this so-called hoax virus is very dangerous after all. Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave dirty socks on the coffee table when company comes over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.

Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.

It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase grade schoolers with your new snowblower.

(From Larry "I'm Not English" Belling via Alex"Guess Where I Come From?" Kosinsky and Manny "The Mensh" Klausner)

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." (Dave Edison)

COFFEE BRAKE

You know you're drinking too much coffee if... *Juan Valdez named his donkey after you... *You ski uphill...*You speed walk in your sleep...*You grind your coffee beans in your mouth... *You have to watch videos in fast-forward... *You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer... *You lick your coffeepot clean... *You're the employee of the month at local Starbucks and you don't even work there. . *Your eyes stay open when you sneeze... *You can type 60 W.P.M. with your feet... *You can jump-start your car without cables . .*You have Styrofoam sofa covers... *You don't need a hammer to pound nails... *You don't tan, you roast... *You go to A.A. meetings for the free coffee... Your favorite snack is Styrofoam packing peanuts... *Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp... *Your face is on a Colombian postage stamp... *Your tongue has "Genuine Leather" stamped on it... *Instant coffee takes too long... *You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug... *You ride a stationary bike to work... *You can play ping-pong without a partner... *You have a three-piece suit made of burlap... You have monogrammed coffee filters... *You meditate while listening to your "Natural Sounds of Coffee Brewing" CD... *You had to remove your car stereo to make room for your cup holder... *You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate... *You think Folger's Crystals have healing powers... *You chew on other people's fingernails... *Cocaine is a downer... *You want to be cremated so you can spend eternity in a coffee can

NOTED DOUGH BOY DIES

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children and one in the oven.

Click on the link below to go to my next page .

...More Funny Stuff

Links to other sites on the Web

Firesign Theatre
Bozo Land
Slap A Spice Girl

---

This page hosted by Get your own Free Home Page