Your listening to "My Heart Will Go On"

IN LOVING MEMORY OF:
Irene Lokken
Who passed away January 21, 2000

My mom with her great granddaughter, Britney. See how much she loved her family?

"Do not marvel at this because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out," John 5:28

My mom was born on April 19th, 1921 on a small farming community in Wisconsin. She went through the 7th grade in school, and had to quit to take care of her parents, and the farm. Although she never graduated from high school, she had a wisdom all her own.

She and I were close from the day that my dad passed away in 1974 in a farming accident, and had been until the day that she passed away.

We had a non typical mother daughter relationship. Even through my teen years, we were close. Although I did give her a run for her money and tried her patience many a time, she NEVER gave up on me. Even when I was in an abusive relationship with my now ex husband. She was ALWAYS there for me and her grandchildren. Giving us whatever was needed. Whether it was financial support or emotional support. They just don't make moms like that hardly anymore. The mold was broken when she was created!

The Note

I received a note on my door late January 2000, saying that my mother was in the hospital. I didn't really panic because she'd been in their alot due to slight strokes and always recovered just fine!!! But... as I entered her room, I was brought to tears. She did not look like her normal self. She was pale, and couldn't talk. She had had a severe stroke. She couldn't even swallow.

My other siblings were there of whom didn't care about our mother when she was well. Now suddenly they were at her bedside. I was angry with them. But I didn't show it.

Two days later, we as a family decided to have her go back to the nursing home and die a peaceful death there. Only that decision haunts me to this day!!

She had told us before that she didn't want to be kept alive artificially. I wonder now if that did or didn't include intravenous feedings. **SIGH** The only way that she could live was to be tube fed.

I was with her every day. For five days that poor wonderful woman suffered. As I write this with tears I am brought back to those last days with her being alive. She wept alot and I tried to comfort her with words. With hugs. Holding her hand. Telling her it was okay to "go". That the kids and I would be okay. But she held on with all she had in her.

Without any sort of medication or fluids she lived for five days, amazing doctors and the staff at the nursing home, as well as us.

I missed her death by 15 minutes! By a lousy 15 minutes! I wanted to be with her when she passed to let her know that she was okay. I still feel overwhelmed with guilt for not being there. She was always there for me. ALWAYS!!! Now to this day I live with that feeling of guilt of things just NOT being right.

Her funeral was beautiful. My son, Ryan, cried when they closed the casket. It was so hard on her grandchildren. They cried for days after her death and funeral. ME? I held it all in, which didn't help my depression any.

If your parents are still alive and your not close with them or have had a falling out, I beg you to make peace.

My mom with her granddaughter, Kristina, just a day old. She loved her grandchildren and spoiled them all the time!

I'd love to chat with you!

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