Afterward
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Afterward
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"We who choose to surround ourselves with lives even more temporary than our own live within a fragile circle, easily and often breached. Unable to accept its awful gaps, we still would live no other way. We cherish memory as the
only certain immortality, never fully understanding the necessary plan."
"The Once Again Prince" from Separate Life Times by Irving Townsend
June 15, 1999
Somehow I had imagined I would keep writing here throughout the year and share my feelings about having lost Skeeter, but it never really happened. Losing Skeeter meant, to some extent, losing a larger part of myself than I had ever imagined and what part of me was left has just been creeping through the days. I lost the part of myself that said I would never give up on my dog, I would never put down a healthy dog, I would do anything it took to keep her alive...I have been forever humbled by the choices I and my family made.
Through this year, I have felt tremendous guilt, shame, relief, pain, grief and even some hope.
Because losing Skeeter, choosing to end her life, has also brought with it the joy of having reached out to love some other dogs...to give a few another chance at life: Mollie, Yeager, Beauty, Donner, and now Oliver, Mandy and her three remaining pups. Once again, with the pups, I have had to go to the vet and sign the paper giving up their tiny lives to end their suffering and the pain of that is great, but the joy of watching the remaining pups start to sit up, walk, play with one another or just sleep and dream of catching the BIG MILK RABBIT has brought with it some peace in my and my family's heart.
Dennis, too, came to us after Skeeter. He is everything she never was and some of what she was, too. Mostly he has helped me develop some trust, some confidence in my ability to build a relationship with my dog. With his funny doggy ways and his insistence on being a presence in our lives, he has brought laughter and love where we never thought we would feel it again.
And, last but not least, is the connection with people all over the world who have gone through the same experience and have been willing to share their stories of grief, heartbreak, joy and tremendous success. When I asked for help with getting ready for Mandy and her pups, the response was overwhelming! So many wonderful people have written with advice, support, a shoulder to cry on and encouragement.
Make no mistake, what we lost was tremendous, but the rewards have returned to us tenfold in love. Blessed be.
August 5, 1998
Another sad day. We took a dog on a two-week trial and it didn't work out. We knew he had some possessiveness and guarding issues (the breeder was very upfront about this) and Em got too close to a chewy he had and he bit her. The saddest thing about this is that it was a big mistake that I made and she made. He really was a good and not aggressive dog, but the experience helped me realize that we can't really afford emotionally to have a dog that you can't make a mistake with.
I am starting to understand that we need a dog with more resilience. I'm also starting to understand that maybe my picture of what I think Springers are like and what they are like are really different. That makes the idea of getting another Springer seem very unfair to the dog.
At this point, I am hurting so much the idea of any dog is too painful to contemplate and I signed off all of the Springer lists. It just hurts too much to read them.
July 18, 1998
Been a little while since I've written. Today was a bit hard because Em went to camp. It has been a family tradition that we always took Skeeter to watch her leave, so there was a lot of emptiness in the experience.
Also, it is remarkable how much colored by the aggression experience my ideas about dogs are. We are going to meet a dog after Em gets back. This dog seems according to three people with whom I've spoken to have a good temperament. In the course of talking to his owner, though, she mentioned he growled at her once over his dinner. In spite of all of the wonderful things about him, this has me really scared. One part of me says that this is fixable (Freya has growled over treats and toys a few times, but has never even tried to bite anybody) and the other part of me is scared to death that I am deluding myself.
July 8, 1998
Slowly but surely we are moving more positively toward getting another Springer. I am starting to think seriously about what kind of temperament I am looking for and gathering information about how to best introduce a new dog to our home. Lots of people have helped with suggestions from a couple of lists. I haven't posted to the Springer lists yet because everyone's at the Specialty this week.
Last night Curt and I were walking at the park and a guy walked by with a Brittany spaniel. So cute!
I'm going to agility class tonight to watch. I'm excited about that and interested. I know it's something I want to do.
Yesterday we got a very nice condolence letter from the vet's office. It was very thoughtful.
July 3, 1998
Finished writing back to everyone yesterday. It's a relief because I really wanted to let everyone know how important their letters were to me. So many people wrote about their own experiences and it helps to know so many people understand and care so much. Sometimes I laugh that when I die, my funeral won't be well attended, but my e-mail box will be full. Certainly the impact of Skeeter's death is only truly appreciated by dog people.
Oddly enough, I'm kind of in "new dog" mode. Curt and Emily are absolutely unready, but if the right dog came by tomorrow, I'd snatch him up in a minute. I think this is because I'm the one who is home the most. Plus, I am also the person most interested in "dog sports" which are difficult to do without a dog. :-)!
I did take one step in the right direction, though. As peculiar as it sounds, I have contacted a local agility trainer to ask if I can attend classes dogless. I'd like to see more agility training and also find someone who can help me evaluate agility prospects.
July 1, 1998
I was doing okay today for the most part. Got some more letters answered. It's still tough to read them, but it is a little easier everyday. Then the phone rang this morning...a woman's voice asking for Em. I asked who was calling and she said "Citibank regarding the special credit card offer from the AKC." I said, "Well, you don't really want to talk with her, she's only 14." She said "Okay" and hung up. Of course this is because of Skeeter's registration. I just sobbed. I couldn't believe how helpless and sad it made me feel.
June 30, 1998
I'm missing my little brown dog today. Freya is a lovely girl and I love her so much, but her personality is different and there is still a hole there, just as if it were the other way around. It was ironic because the last time I visited Skeeter's Page I remembered that the opening photo was taken in March just before Freya's surgery. I wanted pictures of them just in case something went wrong for Freya....How ironic life can be.
June 29, 1998
Skeeter came home today. I went to the vet and picked up her ashes. To my surprise they came in a lovely little cedar box with a tiny lock and a tiny key. The problem of what to do with them was solved when Em and I took the box and placed in on the altar table next to the picture of "Little Dog Running". It is perfect there. She was only ever happy in our company and so in our company she shall stay.
June 27, 1998
Remember the miracle dog trainer recommended by the friend? Our last chance? Well, he finally returned my call today. I was very impressed--NOT!!!! He told me that I should never have had Skeeter put down for aggression against my other dog because two females fighting is "normal". I was furious. I explained we were concerned about her aggression against people as well, that putting her down was the worst experience I have ever had to go through, etc., etc., and his response was to tell me that he just was trying the "help" me, but I HAD NEVER RETURNED HIS NUMEROUS PHONE MESSAGES TO ME!!!! PHONE MESSAGES!!!!! I'VE BEEN HOME NEARLY ALL DAY EVERY DAY AND WE NEVER RECEIVED A SINGLE MESSAGE FROM THIS JERK. I EXERCISED MY PERSONAL PROTECTION PEROGATIVE AND HUNG UP ON HIM!!! WHAT A JERK!!!!! Emily intuition was right on when she said, Well you'll take her to this trainer, spend a lot of money and we'll be having this conversation again.
June 26, 1998
It has been three days since we put Skeeter down. I have cried so much that I actually have abrasions under my eyes from wiping them so much. This is in spite of using the special soft tissue for colds. Curt and I have talked a few times. Emilie isn't talking anymore about it at all with us...a very Emilie way of dealing with it. She'll talk when she's ready.
I still feel guilty and at least once an hour wonder again if we did the right thing. Oddly one of the things we focused on in making our decision has been one of the things that has come back to haunt me over and over: namely that we chose to put her down before she really hurt someone. At the time that was important to us because we didn't want our last memory of her being her attacking and injuring someone or their dog or one of us, but at the same time, lacking that to point to it makes me rethink the decision and question my intuitive sense that it really had to be done.
The vet just called to tell me that her ashes are ready to be picked up. Freya has an appointment on Monday, so I'll pick them up then. I'm trying to imagine how this will be, but I just draw a confused blank. We have had a family discussion about what to do with her ashes and haven't come to any conclusions. We want to put them somewhere that was special to her, but the only place that comes to mind is to scatter them on the rug near whereever we are...that's truly the kind of dog she was. This is an impractical solution, though, so I'm still thinking.
Over a hundred people have written to us from various e-mail lists and their letters are an incredible comfort. I am printing them out and plan to put them in Skeeter's scrapbook. I am doing my best to answer them, but rereading reopens the wounds a bit, so it is going a lot slower than I hoped.
I am trying hard to focus on healing. I had recently considered training Freya to be a therapy dog and so am proceeding with that. Also, I am working on getting her in better shape. I am amazed that after all of her experiences with Skeeter, when we walk in the park, she is still eager to greet other dogs. For myself, I know that I will get another Springer, but I'm not as open as Freya is and don't know when I'll be able to trust myself enough to pick out the right dog. So often in hindsight I can see that Skeets was the puppy-you-should-never-buy, but I wonder if I'll see so clearly in foresight in choosing my next dog.
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