And the Lord spoke to Noah and said,
"In six months I'm going to make it rain
until the whole Earth is covered with water
and all the evil people are destroyed.
But I want to save a few good people,
and two of every kind of living thing on the planet.
I am commanding you to build an Ark."
And in a flash of lightning,
He delivered the specifications for an Ark.
"Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah.
"I did my best. But there were big problems."
"First, I had to get a building permit for the
Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code.
So I had to hire an engineer to re-draw the plans.
Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the
Ark needed a fire sprinkler system."
"Then my neighbour objected, claiming I was violating zoning
by building the Ark in my front yard,
so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark.
There was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl.
I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife
that I need the wood to save the Owls.
But they wouldn't let me catch any owls.
So, no owls.
"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.
I had to negotiate a settlement with the
National Labour Relations Board before anyone
would pick up a saw or hammer.
Now we have sixteen carpenters
on the boat and still no owls."
"Then I started gathering up animals,
and got sued by an animal rights group.
They objected to me taking only two of each kind."
"Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that
I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an
environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
They didn't take kindly to the idea that they
had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.
"Then the Army Corp of Engineers wanted a map
of the proposed new flood plain.I gave them a globe."
"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the
EqualEmployment Opportunity Commission
over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire.
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid
paying taxes by leaving the country.
And I just got a notice from the state
about owing them some kind of use tax.
I really don't think I can finish the
Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear.
The sun began to shine.
A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up and smiled.
"You mean you're not going to destroy the Earth?"
Noah asked hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly.
"The government already has."
