Jokes and such by and about Christians!
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
This page is for persons with a well-developed sense of humour. If you can't laugh at yourself, can't take a joke, or feel laughing is a sin, leave now! (Like hit the "back" button on your browser or something!)
PASTOR SEARCH COMMITTEE REPORT
NOAH: He has 120 years of preaching experience, but no converts.
MOSES: He stutters; and his former congregation says he loses his temper over trivial things.
ABRAHAM: He took off to Egypt during hard times. We heard that he got into trouble with the authorities and then tried to lie his way out.
DAVID: He is an unacceptable moral character. He might have been considered for minister of music had he not 'fallen.'
SOLOMON: He has a reputation for wisdom but fails to practice what he preaches.
ELIJAH: He proved to be inconsistent, and is known to fold under pressure.
HOSEA: His family life is in a shambles. Divorced, and remarried to a prostitute.
JEREMIAH: He is too emotional, alarmist; some say a real 'pain in the neck.'
AMOS: Comes from a farming background. Better off picking figs.
JOHN: He says he is a Baptist but lacks tact and dresses like a hippie. Would not feel comfortable at a church potluck supper.
PETER: Has a bad temper, and was heard to have even denied Christ publicly.
PAUL: We found him to lack tact. He is too harsh, his appearance is contemptible, and he preaches far too long.
TIMOTHY: He has potential, but is much too young for the position.
JESUS: He tends to offend church members with his preaching, especially Bible scholars. He is also too controversial. He even offended the search committee with his pointed questions.
JUDAS: He seemed to be very practical, co-operative, good with money, cares for the poor, and dresses well. We all agreed that he is just the man we are looking for to fill the vacancy as our Senior Pastor.
Thank you for all you have done in assisting us with our pastoral search.
Pastoral Search Committee chairman
Why God was never successful in the academic world...
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1. He only had one major publication
2. It was in Hebrew
3. It had no references
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal
5. Some doubt He wrote it Himself
6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
7. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results
8. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects
9. When one experiment went wrong, he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects
10. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample
11. He expelled His first two students for learning
12. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests
13. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop
Thank Goodness the the Bible isn't being written today!
Latest scandal in heaven!
Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21-year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.
Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time," that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child."
In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship exited," and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily."
Independent counsel Kenneth Lucifer immediately filed a brief with the Justice Department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives known only as the "Wise Men."
Lucifer has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-between in the affair. Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Lucifer was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.
In recent months, Lucifer's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorra was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.
If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of ten "Commandments," which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses.
Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.
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