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Austin Allen Curlin |
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In December of 1997 my life changed forever. I found out I was having a baby. I was not very excited at first because of my age, I was not married, did not have a very strong relationship with the father, and I had dreams of finishing college in a big school. After hearing the heart beat for the first time this all changed. Early on I had some problems and was really scared. All the nurses, doctors, and friends said I was being a first time mom. Any doubts about being pregnant completely went away after the first ultrasound. I was making big plans. I was going to be the perfect mom. Have a perfect baby, and have a genius. As time went on I had so many pains. I had cramps all the time, and was just out and out miserable. We had money problems and a lot of stress. Everyone just kept saying it would be all right. "Take some Tylenol, it will go away. In my 30th week all the fears, anxiety, pains turned out to be painfully real. Still in great pain coming every 30 minutes my nurse was still telling me to take Tylenol. I was really scared and the pain would not go away. I finally called the hospital I was going to deliver at. I was so glad I called. She gave me a list of stuff to try. I one of things did not help she said to come in. As night went on I started getting sick and the pains came every 5 minutes I was so scared. I finally woke up Mark and told him we had to go. 
Michele and Austin When we got to the hospital, the nurses and doctors were not all that nice. They were polite but at times very cold. They tried everything they could to keep the baby from coming. Finally they gave me something to help his lungs and sent in someone from the NICU to tell us the procedures and our baby's chances. I was trying very hard to pay attention to all of this. All I heard was the baby had very little chance that he didn't even want to give it a percentage. From there on I was just broken hearted and mean. The doctor did not react well to all of this he was mean, and later had to send in another doctor. I relaxed a little because this doctor was the doctor to tell me I was pregnant so I felt I could trust him. On May 30th, 1998 at 2:19 in the morning Austin Allen Curlin was born. There were no crying, no happy announcements, just frantic doctors trying to save him. I did not even know he was a boy for at least a half-hour. Austin was stabled somewhat and brought to the NICU. Doctors came in to tell me he was very sick. He had a condition called Non immune hydrops. The survival rate is very low. They wanted my permission to give blood transfusions. That was it they went away. I cried and cried begging mom to tell me it was not true. My first thought was that I had betrayed my son by not wanting him in the beginning. After that many thoughts ran through my mind. What will happen? Will I ever see him alive? What is Mark thinking. I felt like such a failure. I was put in another room, given meds and told to get some sleep. How could I? I thought that everyone was crazy. The nurses, my family, and Mark. How can I sleep when my baby is fighting for his life? My fatigue finally won over though. I woke up at 7:00am. Mark was asking me questions about Austin's name. We decided on Austin Allen Curlin. 
Mark and I got to hold Austin once in awhile. We didn't get to do this I kept calling the NICU and they were so vague. No solid answers. I wanted to see him. I truly believed I would never see Austin alive, so I sneaked out of my room and went to the NICU by myself. They got mad but gave in. It was a sight, Austin had tubes everywhere, he was terribly swollen, had sores all over him, and was black and blue. I seemed to see through all of this and knew that I would love him no matter what and was just heart broken by what he must be feeling right now. Over the next 24 hours every test imaginable was given to Austin. All his vital organs were fine, and any other problems seemed to be primarily cause by him being born early. We were confident that everything would work out. We had a very supportive doctor and she never said Austin was going to die. She just said we had a very sick baby, but he is a great fighter. Into the second day we got bad news. Austin was not going potty. We all stood vigil and waited for news about any urine that may come. We checked his urine bag over and over again. By Monday nothing new had happened. We prayed for pee, literally. On that same day he started going a lot. We were all so excited, then we met the witch. We had gotten a new team of doctors. There were two doctors in particular that I will remember as long as I live. Dr. Trupp who will I will hate as long as I live. Dr. Monihem who was very cold hearted in the beginning but a great support in the end. We were told that although Austin was urinating a lot. None of the wastes were being removed from his body. By this time I was out of the hospital and coming everyday until Mark and I were just to exhausted and practically kicked out by the nurses. Each day I felt I would just fall apart. 
This is Austin. We went through many agonizing days. Ups, downs, family, doctors who seemed not to care, and just great heartbreak. Dr. Trupp kept pushing at us to make decisions. Some that just seemed too hard to make. We had to decide if we wanted Austin recesitated. We both decided that it was not what we wanted. Over that weekend nothing good happened. Austin just kept going down hill. We were all still waiting for some tests that had not come in. We truly believed that these held all the answers. Only one of those tests ever came because the others had been lost. On Monday Dr. Trupp came back with a vengeance. She was very cruel and gave us little hope. She said she would do nothing anymore. There were a few procedures she would follow that were standard, beyond that it was all up to us. On Tuesday I just spent all day with Austin. His toxic levels were getting higher and higher. No one really believed he was still alive. By Wednesday a decision had to be made. Mark and I went home with very heavy hearts. After listening to music and just holding each other we made a decision. We would take Austin off of life support the next day. On June 11, 1998 after 13 very sad, happy, yet heartbreaking days the time had come to let Austin go. We numbly planned it all out. I gave Austin a bath and dressed him. Both of the Grandmas got to see him. Mark and I then held him. We had a pastor and a priest pray for him. Slowly all the machines were taken off of him. Finally the life support was shut off. I watched Dr. Trupp take the machine out. I was so mad at her how could she touch him, she was so cruel. Austin was given to me and we walked out of the room with him. 
Austin and his Grandma. ( My Mom ) Mark and I sat with him as he left us to join his sister in heaven. I held him and prayed that he would remember me. For an hour we sat and talked to him and rocked him. I could think of very little and felt like a failure. We went to the mountains that night. It all seemed like a bad dream and I would wake up any moment. It never happened. The funeral took three weeks to plan. We had no money and had to find ways to get it. The funeral went smoothly and it just did not seem fair. As time went on I joined a support group. I learned in September that Austin had Downs Syndrome. It was figured that this was the cause of the hydrops. It was heart breaking that we could have known all along. Austin's genetics test was one of the ones that had been lost. It had been 19 months since Austin was born. I still cry sometimes. Especially at the holidays. I feel that I have found peace with the whole situation. I am not the person I was when I got pregnant. I feel more confident, and feel that Austin blessed me in so many ways. I met Marcia who is the greatest person I have ever met. She gave me the hope and strength to join the world of the living again. Now she is like a mom, and the greastest, most supportive friend I will ever have. Mark and I are closer than we were before Austin, and I now truly look at life as it might have a purpose. When I feel like I just can not take it any more I talk to Austin and remember my brave little baby boy. 
My Brave Little Baby Boy |
