Jokes #12

One day, Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Jesus then steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water. Jesus walks across the water and chips the ball onto the green. Finally, the Old man steps up the the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water. But just as it is about to hit the water, a fish emerges from the lake to grab the ball in its mouth. Before it has a chance to return beneath the surface, however, an eagle swoops down and seizes the fish in its claws. As the eagle gains altitude and is passing over the green, a bolt of lightening strikes the eagle, causing it to let go of the fish, which plummets to the ground the force of which causes the ball to be released where it rolls into the hole for a hole in one. Jesus turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time!"

A pastor skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided. The pastor stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the pastor crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle flying in one direction and breaking both his legs. The pastor was lying there, he'd lost his gun, and the bear was coming closer. He cried out in desperation, "Lord, I repent for all I've done. Please make this bear a Christian." The bear skidded to a halt at the pastor's feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, "Lord, I do thank you for the food I am about to receive."

Acts 2:38

Another amazing Testimony to the power of God's Word. Hey it really is more powerful than a double-edged sword!

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled "Stop, Acts 2:38". The burglar quickly turned around and pointed his gun at her when she yelled again "Stop, Acts 2:38". Well this time the man stopped, dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the Police and explained what she had done. As the Officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked him "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a Scripture to you." "Scripture?" the burglar exclaimed, "I thought she said she had an AX and 2 38s."

Army Coffee

A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

Better Than Einstein

At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshipers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister. As one of them left, he shook the minister's hand, thanked him for the sermon and said, "Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, you must be smarter than Einstein." Beaming with pride, the minister said, "Why, thank you, brother!"

As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man's compliment. The more he thought, the more he became baffled as to why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So he decided to ask the man the following Sunday.

The next Sunday he asked the parishioner if he remembered the previous Sunday's comment about the sermon. The parishioner replied that he did. The minister asked: "Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?"

The man replied, "Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, no one can understand you."

-Author unknown
-As told by Frank Houston

Moses and Jesus were playing golf. They came to a hole with a large water hazard in front of the tee box. Moses took out his driver and Jesus took out his one iron. Moses said, "Hadn't you better use a driver?" Jesus replied, "No that's okay and took a swing which landed the ball in the middle of the water. Moses parted the water and Jesus walked over and picked up his ball so He could drive it again. Jesus kept his one iron so Moses again asked, "Shouldn't you use a driver?" Jesus replied, "No, that's okay and proceeded to drive the ball into the water once more. Moses again parted the water so Jesus could retrieve his ball. Jesus went back to the tee box and prepared to swing with the one iron again. Moses finally said, "Listen, if you hit that ball into the water again, I'm not going to help you get it." Jesus swung anyway and the ball went smack into the middle of the water again. Moses said, "I told you I wasn't going to help you get that ball. If you want it, you will have to get it yourself." So, Jesus walked out onto the water to get His ball. By this time the next group had caught up with them. When they saw Jesus walking on the water, one of the golfers said, "Who does that guy think He is? Jesus Christ?" Moses replied, "No, He is Jesus Christ. He thinks He's Jack Nicklaus!!"

By Hook, Not By Look

A seaman meets a pirate in a port, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?

"Well," replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch?"

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Not exactly," said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

Checkout Redemption

While handing a 25 cent-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the checkout counter, a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone.

The checker looked distressed, so I the woman said, "That's Okay, it's in coupon heaven now."

"Coupon heaven?", the checker said.

"Yes", the woman said, "That's where coupons go when they die."

"Only the redeemed ones!", said the checker.

Abraham and Isaac

And it came to pass after these things that God did test Abraham. And He said to him, "Abraham!"

And Abraham replied "Here I am."

And God said, "Take your computer, your old computer, your 386; and install upon it an operating system, a new operating system, Windows NT, which I will show to you."

And Abraham rose up early in the morning and saddled his ass. He loaded his computer, his old computer, his 386, on the ass. And he took two of his young men with him and Isaac his son. And he rose up and went to the place where God had told him, there to find Windows NT.

Then, on the third day, Abraham lifted his eyes and saw Windows NT from afar. And Abraham said to his young men, "Stay here with the ass and I and the lad will go yonder and load Windows NT on our 386 and come again to you."

And Abraham took his computer his old computer, his 386, and laid it on Isaac his son. And they went, both of them together.

And Isaac spoke to Abraham his father and said, "My father." And he replied, "Here I am my son." And Isaac said, "Windows NT requires far more memory than our 386 has. How will it possibly run on our machine?"

And Abraham looked at his son, his only son, whom he loved and he shook his head slowly and in perfect faith and with unswerving trust and belief in the Almighty, he said,

"Fear not Isaac my son, God will provide the RAM."

A special sector of Monks are able to utter only 2 words in 10 years.

After the first ten years, the one Monk says to his superior: "bed hard",p. after the 20th year, he says to the same superior: "food cold".,p. Finally , after the 30th year, he says to the same superior: "I quit".,p. The superior said: "I'm not surprised, all you've done in 30 years is complain!

The Wonders Of Email

This little bit always makes me laugh. Copy and paste the text and send it to someone over email.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.This leaves19 million to do the work.

Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting there reading email.

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