Jokes #6

Irreverent Manipulation

Little Benjamin sat down at the desk to write a letter to God asking for a little baby sister.  He started the letter like this:

      Dear God, I've been very good boy... 

He stopped, thinking. No, God won't believe that.  He wadded up the piece of paper, threw it away, and started again:

    Dear God, most of the time I've been a good boy...

He stopped in the middle of the line, again thinking, God won't be moved by this.  So he wadded up the letter and into the trash can it went.

Benjamin then went into the bathroom and grabbed a big terry cloth towel off the towel rack.  He carried it into the living room and carefully laid it out on the couch.  He smoothed out all the wrinkles.  Then he went over to the fireplace mantle, reached up and very carefully lifted down a statue of the Madonna.  He had often seen his mother carefully dust the statue and he had eyed it many times.  On several occasions, his parents had told him that he could look but was not to touch the statue.  Now with all the care he could muster, he had it in his possession.

Benjamin gently placed the statue in the middle of the towel, carefully folding over the edges.  He then placed a rubber band around the whole thing.  He brought it to the desk, took out another piece of paper, and began to write his third letter to God.  It went like this:

    Dear God, if you ever want to see your mother again....

A man was driving along the highway and saw a large rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, it was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying at the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked him what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead creature and sprayed the contents of the can onto it. Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again; hopped down the road another 50 yards, turned and waved; then hopped another 50 yards.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to her and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so he could read the label. It said: "Acme Hair Spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

ARGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Problems With WordPerfect!

There are reasons I don't enjoy phone support.

"Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

[Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug.] "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

[pause] "Yes, it is."

[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

[muffled] "Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

[still muffled] "I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

[clear again] "No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle--it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power--!?!" ...[AAAAAAARGH!] "A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!" [slam]

Near Death Experience

Monday, I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness the Walmart manager came and unplugged it.

Here is a good one for those who still remember hymn books

"Hymns Appropriate To The Occasion"

The Dentist's Hymn--"Crown Him with Many Crowns"
The TV Weatherman's Hymn---"There Shall be Showers of Blessing"
The Contractor's Hymn--"The Church's one Foundation"
The Tailor's Hymn--"Holy, Holy, Holy"
The Golfer's Hymn---"There is a Green Hill Far Away"
The Politician's Hymn--"Standing on the Promises"
The Optometrist's Hymn--"Open Mine Eyes that I Might See"
The IRS Hymn--"All to Thee"
The Gossiper's Hymn--"Pass it On"
The Electrician's Hymn--"Send the Light"
The Shopper's Hymn--"Sweet by and by"
If you MUST speed on the highway -- sing these hymns loudly:
  at 45 mph...."God Will Take Care of Me"
  at 55 mph...."Guide me, O Great Jehovah"
  at 65 mph...."Nearer My God to Thee"
  at 75 mph..."Nearer Still Nearer"
  at 85 mph..."This World is not my Home"
  at 95 mph...."Lord, I'm Coming Home"
  at 100 mph...."Precious Memories"

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him." God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"

© 1997 mcpumpkin@geocities.com

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