Auction - A popular social gathering where
you can change a horse
from a financial liability into a liquid asset.
Azorturia (Monday Morning Disease) - a condition brought on by
showing horses all weekend. Symptoms include the feeling of dread
at having to get out of bed on Mondays and go to work or school.
Barn Sour - An affliction common to horse people in northern climates
during the winter months. Trudging through deep snow, pushing wheelbarrows
through snow and beating out frozen water buckets tend to bring on this
condition rapidly.
Big Name Trainer - Cult
Leader: Horse owners follow them blindly,will gladly
sell their homes, spend their children's college funds and their IRA's
to spuport
them- as they have a direct link to "The Most High Ones" (Judges).
Bog Spavin - The
feeling of panic when riding through marshy area.
Also used to refer to horses who throw a fit at having to go through water
puddles.
Colic - The gastrointestinal result of eating at the food stands at
horse shows.
Colt - What your mare always gives you when you want a filly.
Contracted foot - The involuntary/instant reflex of curling one's toes
up - right
before a horse steps on your foot.
Corn - small callus growths formed from the continual wearing of cowboy
boots.
Drench - Term used to describe the condition an owner is in after he
administeres
mineral oil to his horse.
Endurance ride - The
end result when your horse spooks and runs away with you in
the woods.
Equitation Feed -
Expensive substance utlized in the manufacture of large quantities
of manure.
Fences - Decorative
perimeter structures built to give a horse something
to chew on,
scratch against and jump over (see inbreeding).
Flea-bitten -
A condition of the lower extremities in horse owners who
also own dogs
and cats.
Flies - The
excuse of choice a horse uses so he can kick you, buck you
off or knock you
over - he cannot be punished.
Founder - The
discovery, of your loose mare-some miles from your farm,
usually in a
flower bed or cornfield. Used like-"Hey,
honey, I found'er." Founder: A condition that
happens to most
people after Thanksgiving dinner
Frog - Small
amphibious animal that emits a high-pitched squeal when
stepped on.
Gallop- The
customary gait a horse chooses when returning to the barn
Gates - Wooden
or metal structures built to amuse horses.
Girth Sores- Painful swelling and abrasion made at the point of
mid-section by
fashionable large western belt buckles.
Green Broke - The color of the face of the person who has just
gotten the training
bill from the Big Name Trainer...
Grooming - The
fine art of brushing the dirt from one's horse and applying
it to your
own body.
Grooms - Heavy,
stationary objects used at horse shows to hold down lawn
chairs
and show bills.
Hay - A green
itchy material that collects between layers of clothing,
especially in
unmentionable places.
Head Shy -
A reluctance to use the public restrooms at a horse show.
Always
applies to pit toilets.
Head Tosser -
A blonde-haired woman who wears fashion boots while working
in
the barn. (wasn't
sure if I should keep this one - Simone -)
Heaves - The
act of unloading a truckful of hay.
Hobbles - Describes
the walking gait of a horse owner after his/her foot
has been
stepped on by his/her horse.
Hock - The
financial condition that a horse owner goes into.
Hoof Pick - Useful,
curbed metal tool tuilized to remove hardened dog
doo from the
treads of your tennis shoes.
Horse shoes -
Expensive semi-circular projectiles that horses like to
throw.
Inbreeding - The
breeding results of broken/inadequate pasture fencing.
Jumping - The
characteristic movement that an equine makes when given
a vaccine
or has his hooves trimmed.
Lameness - The
condition of most riders after the first few rides each
year; can be
a chronic condition in weekend riders.
Lead Rope - A
long apparatus instrumental in the administration of rope
burns. Also
used by excited horses to take a handler
for a drag.
Longeing - A
training method a horse uses on its owner with the purpose
of making
the owner spin in circles-rendering the
owner dizzy and light-headed so that they get
sick and pass out,
so the horse can go back to grazing.
Manure spreader - Horse
traders
Mosquitoes - Radar
equipped blood sucking insects that typically reach
the size of
small birds.
Mustang - The
type of horse your husband would gladly trade your favorite
one
for...preferably in a red convertible and V-8.
Overreaching - A
descriptive term used to explain the condition your
credit cards
are in by the end of show season.
Parasites - Small
children (no flames please) that get in your way when
you work in
the barn. Many gather in swarms at horse
shows.
Pinto - A colorful
(usually green) coat pattern found on a freshly washed
and sparkling
clean grey horse that was left unattended
in his stall for ten minutes.
Pony - The
true size of the stallion that you bred your mare to via
transported semen
that was advertised as 15 hands tall.
Proud Flesh - The
external reproductive organs flaunted by a stallion
when a horse of
any gender is present. Often displayed
in halter classes.
Quarter Cracks - The
comments that most Arabian owners make about the
people
who own Quarter Horses.
Quittor - A term trainers have commonly used to refer to their
clients who come to
their senses and pull horses out of their
barns.
Race - What
your heart does when you see the vet bill.
Rasp - An abrasive,
long, flat metal tool used to remove excess skin
from the nuckles.
Reins - Break-away
leather device used to tie horses with.
Ringworms -
Spectators who block your view and gather around the rail
sides at
horse shows.
Sacking out - A
condition caused by Sleeping Sickenss (see below). The
state of
deep sleep a mare owner will be in at the
time a mare actually goes into labor and foals.
Saddle - An
expensive leather contraption manufactured to give the rider
a false sense
of security. Comes in many styles,
all feature built-in ejector seats.
Saddle Sore - The
way the rider's bottom feels the morning after the
weekend at
the horse show.
Sleeping Sickness - A
disease peculiar to mare owners while waiting for
their mares
to foal. Caused by nights of lost
sleep, symptoms include irritability, red baggy eyes
and a zombie-like
waking state. Can last several weeks.
Splint - An
apparatus that can be applied to various body parts of a
rider due to the
parting of the ways of a horse and his
passenger.
Stall - What
your truck does on the way to a horse show, fifty miles
from the closest
town.
Tack Room - A
room where every item necessary to work with or train your
horse
has been put, in a place which it cannot
be found in less than 30 minutes.
Twisted Gut - The
feeling deep inside that most riders get before their
classes at
a show.
Versatility - an
owners ability to shovel manure, fix fences and chase
down a loose
horse in one afternoon.
Vet Catalog - An
illustrated brochure provided to stable owners that
features a
wide array of products that are currently out
of stock or have been dropped from a
company's inventory.
Weaving - The
movement a horse trailer makes while going down the road
with a
rambunctious horse in it.
Whip Marks - The
tell-tale raised welts on the face of a rider-caused
by the trail
rider directly in front of you letting a low
hanging branch go. (Also caused by a wet or
dry horse tail across
the face while cleaning hooves - this is mine -Merdith)
Windpuffs - Stallion
owners. Also applied to used car salesmen.
Withers - The
reason you'll seldom see a man riding bareback.
Yearling - the
age at which all horses completely forget the things you
taught them
previously.
Youngstock - A
general term used for all equites old enough to bite,
kick or run you
over, but not yet old enough to dump
you on the ground.
Zoo - The typical
atmosphere around most horse farms.
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