You see...my Dad never tried. He was able to manage to quit cold turkey when he was diagnosed with cancer on July 1, 1996. He was able to quit for good when he died one year ago today, October 21, 1996. God how he is sorely missed.

Periodically I visit (lurk) in this newsgroup. It cheers me up to see the posts with the quit times and amounts of life saved. It lets me know that the tobacco companies don't always win. I'm really proud of you guys. I'm not a smoker. Never been had the urge. Probably because I'm asthmatic.I'm hoping that I'm asthmatic due to heredity and not because I was exposed to second hand smoke for the first 18 years of my life. But I must admit, cigarette smoking does look attractive and of course I can understand the incredible addiction. I couldn't even stay on the diet I started for more than 2 hours today!! However, I'm so heartened by those of you willing to at least try.

My Dad smoked from the time he was a 10 year old kid growing up in the city streets. It was part of him. My Mom started smoking 10 years into their marriage because of stress, wanting lose weight/and get this...to be able to have something in common with my Dad. My Dad was big on defending smoker's rights and the more the government came out with warnings the more he smoked.

When my generation began to get educated in the schools I begged he and my mom to quit. Put "no smoking" propaganda up everywhere, meanwhile going to school wheezing and going to school as a 8 year old smelling of cigarrette smoke, amazed at how everyone knew that my folks smoked...

The years went on and I learned how to ignore it. Pretend that it didn't matter. Pretend that all the "minor" health problems that my Dad was developing were just the product of age--he was 53. Diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, impotence, exhaustion...well, heck if he had a different boss, less stress....blah, blah, blah.

Along came my first son--my Dad's first grandson. The sun rose and set on this little boy. Once again, I took up urging my Dad to quit...I know what you all are saying... you have to want to quit. And I think he was starting to want to...but you know, there's never a good time...and my Dad had that feeling many people do, "I"ve been smoking so long, it won't do any good..." My Mom took a different route...when her doctor recommended the patch...she took it, quit and never looked back....to this day I'm stunned. She was afraid of gaining weight but she was more concerned about not being on this earth to be a Grandma to her grandkids. Actually, she just wanted to keep up with them :)

She managed to quit while living with a smoker... this is a woman who never did anything without the influence of my Dad...and she smoked 3-4 packs a day....there has got to be hope!...I am so inspired by her...October brings me both joy and sorrow. While it is the one year anniversary of my father's death, it is the 5 year anniversary of my mother's being smoke free. Sure, she could still get cancer because she smoked for 20 years, but at least she tried. And in the meantime her health is so much better!!! However it's weird...after growing up with her smoking, I find that I still get edgy if we are out together....I still feel like if we have been in a store for more than 30 minutes that we have to take a break for her to go out and grab a smoke. I never grew up doing things like going to the movies with my Mom--she couldn't have lasted 2 hours without a cigarette....not that any of this mattered to me, or that I ever dwelled on it...I grew up thinking this was normal.

I feel certain that my Dad would have eventually quit if he'd not been so stubborn about using aids like the patch or the gum...he said, "when I quit it will be cold turkey". It was. The times he came the closest to quitting ( I remember once he was down to 5 cigarettes a day for 2 weeks) was by accident--he decided that he needed to "get healthy" and eat more fruits and vegetables...of course would never admit that he needed to quit, would always quote some person in Yugoslavia that died at 92 still drinking and smoking....but for awhile he was on the right path.

When my Dad was diagnosed with cancer we never thought it could happen to us No one ever does.. This was a man who was 6'1" and 225 pounds, a retired navy tough guy who was the biggest softy you'd ever want to meet. Had a nagging back pain for months. Finally was diagnosed with a tumor. Cancer had gone too far they said...whoa wait a minute...aren't you supposed to start coughing up blood and maybe lose a lung or part of one and have a second chance??

The pain and treatment of cancer are not the real agony of a smoking related illness...the real pain is knowing that your illness was preventable and your overall quality of life could have been better. The real pain is being the world's most responsible caring overprotective man and praying to God like hell that you can watch over your family from the great beyond. My Dad used to drive me crazy with his fatalistic attitude--oh he was one of the most positive people you'd want to meet...but fatalistic in some of his gestures...talking about how my mom would be better off if she got is life insurance...my Dad even put aside champagne and wine and crystal glasses for his grandson for when he turned 21, because he knew he wouldn't be around for that day. Deep inside he always felt it was a lost cause to quit and would never even acknowledge that it was bad for him. All of this was his prerogative. Damn I wish he were still here driving me crazy.

However, now I just have to laugh when I hear someone my age-33 say," well, hell, you have to die of something....hell, I could die of a car crash tomorrow..."II really understand my father's generation smoking...but our generation??!!....well I've gone on too long already.

Why am I posting to this newsgroup?? Before my father died, I promised him he would not die in vain. I'm not looking for sympathy and I'm not out to lecture, cajole or chide anyone. I am selfish enough that I hope I can strike a chord with someone who has hung in there to read this whole thing.

My Dad had such a magical relationship with his grandson for 4 years. He may still have died of cancer, but at least he would have tried to be healthy-- quitting smoking would have been better than any present from Toys R Us. If my father had had a crystal ball to see all of this...to envision his grandson growing up without the best Grandpa in the world....my God he would have quit. My Dad was often mistaken for Rodney Dangerfield but liked to pretend people meant Clark Gable. He was so well read that who needed the Internet...just ask Dad.

God how we all miss this funny, caring, protective, intelligent man. He would have loved the Baptist preacher who did his memorial service. In his booming eulogy he said that my Dad actually accomplished what we all strive to do--he bridged the gap between the man he wanted to be and the man that he actually was. He walked the walk. 57 years was not enough time to be with this great man.

Thanks to all of you for letting this non-smoker vent on your newsgroup. Again, thanks to all of you who have quit and are struggling to quit. What a gift you are giving to someone who loves or needs you--perhaps even to someone who isn't born yet...maybe even a future grandchild.

All my best to each and every one of you.

Jennifer

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