1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. --Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children" --Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey
4) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone
5) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery
6) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni
7) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez
8) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld
9) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What> is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson
10) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress .. But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain
11) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown
12) "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip a woman's heart out with your bare hands." --Unknown
13) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne
14) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry
In Honor of Stupid People
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down.
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could
just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat
nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable
you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a " professional." Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in
the giraffe, and close the door.
This question tests
whether you tend to do simple things in an overly
complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, " Open the refrigerator, put in the
elephant, and close the refrigerator? " (Wrong
Answer)
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take
out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the
door.
This tests your ability to think through the
repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the
refrigerator. You just put him in there.
This tests
your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have onemore chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles
are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to
Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
professionals they tested got all questions wrong.
But many preschoolers got several correct answers.
Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves
the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.