Mike's Giggle Box
Howdy, Thanks for visiting my wife & daughter's page. Now for some fun! This is where you need to sit down, grab a cup of coffee and laugh. My sidekick Sadie, and I will now tickle your milk bone uh, I mean funny bone.
Food For Thought
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. " Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
Only the French!
When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle. "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?" "A penis," replied Madame de Gaulle. A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next. Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Mon cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!”
Pick up line
A rather confident 007 strolled into a bar and took a seat next to a stunningly attractive woman. He gave her a quick glance, then casually looked at his watch for a moment.
Noticing his actions, the woman next to him asked, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replied, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
Intrigued by his words the woman replied, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"Well you see," said Bond, "it uses Alpha waves to telepathically talk to me."
"I see," said the woman, "and what's it telling you now?"
"It says you're not wearing any knickers..." came the reply.
The woman giggled and replied, "Well it must be broken because I'm afraid I'm wearing knickers!"
007 tutted, tapped his watch and said, "Damn thing must be an hour fast!"
Just My Luck
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
Nissan/Nelson what's the difference?
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the t.v. when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling: "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder: "You sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him: "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man. Go away," and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling: "You sign! You sign!" Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" The he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting and late in the afternoon he hears a knock again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting: "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are two very large trucks full of car parts. This time, Nelson loses his temper completely, picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You have got the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, looks at his clipboard, and says: "Huh? You not Nissan Maindealer?"
Mistress
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!" "Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress." The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce." "I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is prettier," says the wife.
Oil Change
It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"
He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite a man."
He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black."
Needs
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then all of a sudden the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me." The husband says, "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight, and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes his wife shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits, and then tells his wife, "We'll take all three of them." Then he goes over to the Shoes Dept and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings.
The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, "But you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says, "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
The husband says, "No, no, no, honey we're not going to BUY all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Wife's face gets really red, and she is about to explode. Just then the husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!"
Amen!
A Southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he then sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'."
What Have You Done Today?
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here
today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come
home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?" "Yes" was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
Who's Cuckoo?
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys." I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ...promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 3 A.M., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
Next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh F---,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.