"YOU KNOW YOU'RE A PARENT WHEN"
Your feet stick to the kitchen floor.....and you don't care. When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding. You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket. You spend an entire week wearing sweats. Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you. "Popsicle" becomes a food staple. You drink leftover apple juice from a "sippy cup". Your favorite television show is a Scooby Doo rerun. Peanut butter & jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day. You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on. Your baby's pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her/him after you suck the dirt off of it because your too busy to wash it off. Your kids make jokes about farting, burping, pooping, etc., and you think they're funny. You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU! You absentmindedly hum the theme to the Nickelodeon station. Spit is your number one cleaning agent. You're up each night until 10pm vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, scrubbing 'erasable' markers from the hallway, brushing, cleaning McDonalds off the back seat of the car, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, NOT you)... PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, rollerblading, undressing the cat, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, scraping off "removable" stickers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope... PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet ... you still managed to gain 10 pounds. In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions. You buy cereal with marshmallows in it. For you. And hide it in the back of the pantry. The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice crispy bars.
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