I promise I will make you smile at least once if you
read all the way to the bottom, well I hope at least
a smerk. God Bless, and have fun.
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New Concerns For The Boomer
Generation
Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair
Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux
Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's hot.
Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your
parents
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your
kids
Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth
Taylor
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or
Elizabeth Taylor
Then: Seeds and stems
Now: Roughage
Then: Popping pills
Now: Popping joints
Then: The President's struggle with Fidel
Now: The President's struggle with fidelity
Then: Paar
Now: AARP
Then: Hoping for a BMW
Now: Hoping for a BM
Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint
THE HAND OF GOD
This is a picture I got from someone on the web.It's
a picture of a funnel cloud during a tornado warning.
On April 24, 99 in ark.
What you are seeing is a funnel cloud and a tree that
has blown down.
What you are about to see on the bottom picture is
the same picture turned sideways.
WHAT DO YOU SEE
HERE ARE SOME JOKES
A man: God, how much is a million dollars to you?
God: It is but a penny.
A man: God, how long is a million years to you?
God: It is but a second.
A man: God, could you please give me a penny?
God: Sure, just a second.
THe Flood
There was a big flood in Louisiana. this guy is
standing in water up to his knees. They came by in a
rowboat and said, "Get in." He said, "Oh no, the Lord
will take care of me." A few minutes later, he's up
on the porch, the water's up to his waist. Another
rowboat comes by; they say, "Get in." He says, "Oh
no, the Lord will take care of me." Now he's on the
roof. The water's up to his neck. A helicopter comes
by. He says, "No, no, the Lord will take care of me."
Well, he drowned. He gets up to Heaven, he meets the
Lord, and he says, "What happened?" The Lord says, "I
don't know what happened--I sent two rowboats and a
helicopter for you."
Nine Things people think While
Singing
9. What do pastors wear under their robes?
8. Will the person behind me ever hit the right note?
7. 90 minutes till kickoff.
6. Did I turn off the curling iron?
5. The likelihood of the ceiling fan falling and
hitting me on the head.
4. How many people have lost more hair than I have?
3. How would the hymn sound if Metallica played it?
2. Are there doughnuts at fellowship?
1. How many more verses?
Bulletin Bloopers and Blunders
( actual Church Bulletin and Service
bloopers)
* Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
* Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
church and community.
* For those of you who have children and don't know
it, we have a nursery downstairs.
* Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at
the side entrance.
* Jean will be leading a weight-management series
Wednesday nights. She's use the program herself and
has been growing like crazy!
* The rosebud on the altar this morning is to
announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of
Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South
and North ends of the church. Children will be
baptized at both ends.
* Tuesday at 4:00 P.M. there will be an ice cream
social. All ladies giving milk will please come
early.
* Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs.
Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed"
accompanied by the pastor.
* Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the
Little Mother's Club. All ladies wishing to become
"Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his
study.
* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to
come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
* The service will close with "Little Drops of
Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the
rest of the congregation will join in.
* Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to
defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing
to do something on the carpet will come forward and
do so.
* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of
every kind. They can be seen in the church basement
Saturday.
* Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and
medication to follow.
* The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 p.m. Steak,
mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will
be served for a nominal feel.
* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in
the church hall. Music will follow.
* 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the
addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
* The senior choir invites any member of the
congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic
will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our
choir practice.
* The preacher will preach his farewell message,
after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With
Joy."
* Today... Christian Youth Fellowship Sexuality
Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot
for this activity.
* During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the
rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A.B. Doe
supplied our pulpit.
* The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight
of his audience.
* The church is glad to have with us today as our
guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs.
Green with him. After the service we request that all
remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the
Greens.
* The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
"Hamlet": in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m.
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
* The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10
and 11.
* Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to
church secretary.
* Please join us as we show our support for Amy and
Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other
items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to
cripple children.
* The associate minister unveiled the church's new
giving campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My
Pledge--Up Yours
*Ushers will eat latecomers.
img src="/SoHo/Gallery/7750/mouseflag.gif">
A LITTLE CHURCH HUMOR
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike,
and as he preached he moved briskly about the
platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he
moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and
nearly tripping before jerking it again. After
several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third
pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he
gets loose, will he hurt us?"
THE PASTOR'S CEREMONY
A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the
local funeral director to hold a
graveside committal service at a small country
cemetery in Iowa. There was to be no funeral, just
the committal, because the deceased had no family or
friends left in Iowa. The young pastor started early
to the cemetery, but soon lost his way.
After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived
a half-hour late. The hearse was no where in sight,
and the workmen were relaxing under a nearby tree,
eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave
and found that the vault lid was already in place. He
took out his book and read the service. As he
returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen
say: "Maybe we'd better tell him it's a septic tank."
For all of you who made it this far you deserve a big kiss, so get ready, here it comes....
ADS GONE WRONG
Sometimes advertisers get it all wrong. Here are some
funny examples of advertising campaigns that ended up
being entirely inappropriate!
1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into
Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea".
2. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling
iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is
slang for manure. Not too many people had a use for
the "manure stick".
3. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts
for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's
visit.
Instead
of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I
saw the potato" (la papa).
4. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation"
translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back
from the grave", in Chinese.
5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa,
they used the same packaging as in the US, with the
beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they
learned that in
Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the
label of
what's inside, since most people can't read.
6. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as
"Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning **"Bite the wax tadpole" or
"female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the
dialect.
Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a
phonetic
equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into
**"happiness in the mouth".
MOM'S PATIENCE
After putting her children to bed, a mother changed
into old
>>>slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash
her hair.
>>>As she heard the children getting more and more
rambunctious,
>>>her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel
around her head
>>>and stormed into their room, putting them back to
bed
>>>with stern warnings. As she left the room, she
heard her
>>>three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who
was that?"
This is not the end yet just a few more.
FUNNIEST
NEWSPAPER HEADLINES
These where actual headlines taken out of various
newspapers
Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash
Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down
Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be
Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout
Counter
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Deer Kill 17,000
Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lighting Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Hospitals Are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
The Speeding Nun
A cop pulls over a car load of nuns....
Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you
going so slow?"
Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not
65."
Cop: "Oh, sister, that's not the speed limit, that's
the name of the highway you're on!
Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know.
I'll be more careful.
At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the
other nuns are shaking and trembling. Cop: "Excuse
me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back
there? They're shaking something terrible."
Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119
IF A GUY SAYS....
"It's a guy thing."
He really means....
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with
it, and you have no chance at all of making it
logical."
**"Can I help with dinner?"
He really means....
"Why isn't it already on the table?"
**"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
He really means....
Absolutely nothing.
It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
He really means...
"I have no idea how it works.
"Take a break, honey,
you're working too hard."
**He really means....
"I can't hear the game
over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
He really means....
"Are you still talking?"
**"That's women's work."
He really means....
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
**"I was just thinking about you,
and got you these roses."
He really means....
"The girl selling them on the corner
was a real babe."
**"Hey, I've got my reasons
for what I'm doing."
He really means....
"And I sure hope I think
of some pretty soon."
**"I can't find it."
He really means....
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands,
so I'm completely clueless."
**"What did I do this time?"
He really means....
"What did you catch me at?"
**"I heard you."
He really means....
"I haven't the foggiest clue
what you just said,
and am hoping desperately
that I can fake it well enough
so that you don't spend
the next 3 days yelling at me."
**"You know I could never love anyone else."
He really means....
"I am used to the way you yell at me,
and realize it could be worse."
**"You look terrific."
He really means....
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit.
I'm starving."
For all of you who made it to the end here is a big
smile for you. May God smile on you each day.
NO CHARGE
If you have kids you'll identify with this one.
My little boy came into the kitchen this evening while I was fixing supper. And he handed me a piece of paper he'd been writing on. So, after wiping my hands on my apron, I read it, and this is what it said:
For mowing the grass, $5.
For making my own bed this week, $1.
For going to the store $.50.
For playing with baby brother while you went shopping, $.25.
For taking out the trash, $1.
For getting a good report card, $5.
And for raking the yard, $2.
Well, I looked at him standing there expectantly, and a thousand memories flashed through my mind. So, I picked up the paper, and turning it over, this is what I wrote:
For the nine months I carried you, growing inside me,
No Charge.
For the nights I sat up with you, doctored you prayed for you,
No charge.
For the time and the tears, and the cost through the years,
No Charge.
For the nights filled with dread, and the worries ahead,
No Charge.
For advice and the knowledge, and the cost of your college
No Charge.
For the toys, food and clothes, and for wiping your nose
No Charge.
Son, when you add it all up, the full cost of my love is
No Charge.
Well, when he finished reading, he had great big tears in his eyes. And he looked up at me and he said, "Mama, I sure do love you." Then he took the pen and in great big letters he wrote,
PAID IN FULL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Author Unknown
THE TEST
Forrest Gump Goes To Heaven
Forrest Gump died and went to heaven.? When he got to the Pearly Gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth.? In order to gain admittance a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions. 1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T". 2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God's first name?
Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered:
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow."
2. There are 12 seconds in a year."
3. God has two first names and they are Andy and Howard." Saint Peter said, "OK I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, your answer is correct. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why did you ever think that God's first name was either Andy or Howard?" Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc......"
"OK, I give" said Saint Peter, "but what about the God's first name stuff?"
Forrest said "Well, from the song... Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own...? and the prayer... Our Father who art in Heaven Howard be thy name...." Saint Peter let him in without further ado
Well now, be honest, did you at least have a little
fun, and maybe a smile or two?????
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