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Joshua: One Hour Old! |
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JUNE 11, 1999: Finally Here!! |
On June 10, 1999, at 11:00 a.m I was induced
for labor. After an emergency c-section at 3:43 the next morning, we finally
saw our beautiful baby boy, Joshua Michael Harris! He was FINALLY here
for me to see and hold and kiss. Looking in his eyes was a miracle. I had
done it, brought this wonderful little boy into the world. Oh what a joy
to hold, such a gift in my arms. I had misscarried twin girls the year
before, so holding Joshua was a dream come true! He was so worth the wait.
He was so gorgeous with the most perfect round little head and such sweet
little munchible toes! Oh I couldn't wait to get on my feet again to take
him home to see everyone. Especially his Nana and his Babchi and his Aunti
Nadine and Uncle Chris! Joshua was in an incubator with an umbilibal IV for the first week of his life. The poor little guy was on 3 heavy duty antibiotics for 2 weeks. As the doctors could not find a vein in his little arms, they put one into his belly button. When they induced me I spiked a tempature of 106 and when they finally did a c-section my little man had a temp of 104! They put him into an air conditioned incubator to cool off. He never even cried when they pulled him out! I was sure something was terribly wrong because I could not hear him cry! All babies cry when they are born. So, to reassure me the doctor had to flick his heel to make him squeak so I would calm down. He was such a good baby and he made nursing a brezze! Took 2 days to figure out the latch and away he went! :)
He began to grow soooooo fast, He was 9lb and 7oz
at birth and by his 2 week check up he was 12lbs! He got colicky for around
two weeks. No biggy. 'Mommy' fixed it!! I held him all the time, amazed
by his little fingers and toes. He was so alert and awake all the time!
He had the most gorgeous blue eyes. He was a whole little person who quickly
developed a personality. I would laugh as he put his hands in his mouth
and get so mad because they were not filling his tummy. He wanted eat right
away, when he was ready! He would make little protesting noises even while
he was nursing, just to make sure I knew he was miffed at having to wait
2 minutes! He seemed to start smiling so early. All he wanted to do was
to grin at people. His bath was his favorite time of the day. He would
smile and splash. No matter how fussy he was, a bath was the solution.
His skin was so soft and his pudgy fingers and toes......'so cute'. When
Joshua woke up he stretched like a little kitty. He cooed and gooed all
the time. I loved being a mom! It was more wonderful than I ever imagined
it would be.
Joshua probably traveled more in the 3 months of his life
than most grown up do in a lifetime! He was 4 weeks old when he flew to
Thunder Bay to visit his Nana and Uncle Trevor. We drove 4 times from Toronto
to Thunder Bay after that as well. He loved to visit "Nana" We were visiting
my mom when a horrible morning would change our lives forever. Then that
morning came. We went to bed around three the night before, Joshua laughed
for the first time at my mom that night. I gave Joshua a good night kiss
and he smiled at me. He slept through the night, and woke at 6:30 starving
and howling to be nursed. I brought him to bed with us and fed him, he
was so cute! His toes were curled as his tummy got full. He dozed off for
a little while, then woke up and wanted to play. He was smiling at me and
I was blowing on his tummy to make him gurgle and smile. He was talking
his little baby gibberish like crazy, then he seemed really tired. He kept
rubbing his eyes and yawning. So I took him down to nap on my moms bed,
so he could sleep uninterrupted, while Gerald and I talked to each other.
He went down around 9:30. He fussed a bit so I went to check on him. He
had spit his " Sookie" out. (Joshua LOVED his pacifier, otherwise know
as "Sookie) I gave it back to him and he smiled at me and poked his little
bum up in the air and closed his eyes. I heard him cry out again around
10:00, but he quit shortly after he started, so I assumed he found his
sookie and went back to sleep. Little did I know that cry was my sweet
baby boy leaving his mommy and Daddy and going to his heavenly Fathers
arms.
Around 10:30 Gerald (Joshua's daddy) went down stairs to get his
little man to play with him before he left for Winnipeg on business. I
followed him down and when he picked our baby boy up, I felt like someone
punched me in the stomache. I knew he was dead, his eyelashes were matted
and he was a light purple blue color around his mouth and eyes. He would
not wake up. Gerald tried to wake him up, He started CPR. I shouted he
was not breathing and called my mom, hysterical and told her to come home
right away, Joshua was not breathing. The paramedics came and intibated
him and flew him to Thunder Bay. I knew even before I got to the Hospital
my precious son was gone forever. I thought that Gerald would fly with
him, but they would not let him. My mom and I left before the air ambulance
came so we would be at the hospital when my baby arrived. On the way there
I kept trying to convince myself that he was alive and waiting for his
mommy and daddy to come and take him home. I kept saying that this was
only a nightmare and I would soon wake up and everything be be normal.
When we got the ER I saw the Chaplain and a police officer- I knew he was
gone. I looked for Gerald in a daze, but he was driving in as well. How
do you react when you find out with no warning your sweet little bear is
gone forever? I felt so numb, like I was in a dream and at any minute I'd
wake up and it would be all over. I remember saying "no" over and over.
It couldn't be true.The coroner took me back down the hallway to see Joshua.
The police officer was by his door. He was lying there bundled up in a
blanket with the intubation tube still in his mouth. I ran to him and started
telling him how sorry I was. The chaplain encouraged me to hold him. They
placed Joshua in my arms and the familiar feelings of holding him, singing
to him, rocking him to sleep, playing with him, just talking to him came
flooding back. He was so cold and had a blue tint to his skin. He looked
like he was sleeping and would wake up and look at me with those love filled
blue baby eyes. Time stopped right there. I held Josh and kissed his cold
forehead while tears flowed. Cooing his pet names to him over and over.
Gerald arrived in what seemed minutes and I stupidly told him Joshua had
died. It was evident just by the situation. We cried together over a sons
little body, tears of pain, tears for all the missed events in his life
and tears for the empty ache that now filled our hearts. My mom held her
little grandson, while I held my husband. We needed each other like we
never had before. Geralds mom (Joshua's Babchi) and his brother, Uncle
Christopher flew in that evening from Toronto. We would not let them take
the baby for an autopsy till they arrived and got to hold him and say good
bye for the last time. They got to cuddle Josh too. Our sweet little bear, so beautiful even in death. I knew he was dead, still didn't want him to be lonely.
I did not want to leave and let go of him.. I had to answer lots of questions,
many I don't remember, but from reading other families stories, we got
off easy. The police officer investigating, was so nice and gentle on us.
He had adopted a baby boy from Russia after he and his wife misscarried
repeatedly. He knew the joy of having a perfect gift, a son, and the pain
of losing a part of yourself, your baby.
I can tell you 14 hours of hard
labor was nothing compared to the pain we felt now. The doctors told us
there would need to be an autopsy and explained what would happen. We spent
the next few hours holding Joshua and grieving till the medical examiner
came for him. I didn't want to give him up, yet I wanted to know what had
happened to take our baby boy away from us. He was healthy, He was current
on all his immunizations, he was a beastfed baby. Every precaution the
experts advise you of, we followed- and it still didn't help.We left the
hospital hours later . We slept very little for the next week. I still
have problems sleeping now a month later. Christopher notified family and
friends and he took care of all the arrangements. I don't think I would
have been able to get though the funeral planning or the burial arrangements
without Christopher and Josh's Auntie Nadine. I was so thankful, I wasn't
able to make the neccesary decisions so they helped us with planning Joshua's
funeral. Our son's funeral was held on Saturday, September 18, 1999. We
found out that Joshua died from SIDS. In a small way this was a relief
because I didn't think I could handle his death occurring due to neglect
or because he slept on his tummy from day one. Yet, the fact that there
is no logical explanation made it seem so unfair! Why us, why a healthy
happy baby? Now joshua's daddy and I begin the slow and painful process
of adjusting to life without the big blue eyes and smiles that readily
came when he saw us. He always woke up with a smile on his face in the
mornings.
In 3 months and 3 days this little boy affected the lives of SO many people in ways we may never know about. He had so much love for everyone, he made me change my priorities in so many ways.
He changed our lives, drew us closer together,
made the world a wonderful, exciting place in vibrant colors. Joshua taught
me the true meaning of unconditional love! Now it seems like everything
is in black and white and fuzzy. Someday there will be color again and
clarity, but that is down the road. Joshua will forever be our little angel
in our hearts and on our minds. I love you my precious little man, I know
you are safe and happy in heaven, it is us that feel the pain and greif
with your passing.
I will love you forever!
This SIDS
Ring
site belongs to
Christina Harris
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