Joshua: One Hour Old!
				JUNE 11, 1999: Finally Here!!

On June 10, 1999, at 11:00 a.m I was induced for labor. After an emergency c-section at 3:43 the next morning, we finally saw our beautiful baby boy, Joshua Michael Harris! He was FINALLY here for me to see and hold and kiss. Looking in his eyes was a miracle. I had done it, brought this wonderful little boy into the world. Oh what a joy to hold, such a gift in my arms. I had misscarried twin girls the year before, so holding Joshua was a dream come true! He was so worth the wait. He was so gorgeous with the most perfect round little head and such sweet little munchible toes! Oh I couldn't wait to get on my feet again to take him home to see everyone. Especially his Nana and his Babchi and his Aunti Nadine and Uncle Chris! Joshua was in an incubator with an umbilibal IV for the first week of his life. The poor little guy was on 3 heavy duty antibiotics for 2 weeks. As the doctors could not find a vein in his little arms, they put one into his belly button. When they induced me I spiked a tempature of 106 and when they finally did a c-section my little man had a temp of 104! They put him into an air conditioned incubator to cool off. He never even cried when they pulled him out! I was sure something was terribly wrong because I could not hear him cry! All babies cry when they are born. So, to reassure me the doctor had to flick his heel to make him squeak so I would calm down. He was such a good baby and he made nursing a brezze! Took 2 days to figure out the latch and away he went! :) He began to grow soooooo fast, He was 9lb and 7oz at birth and by his 2 week check up he was 12lbs! He got colicky for around two weeks. No biggy. 'Mommy' fixed it!! I held him all the time, amazed by his little fingers and toes. He was so alert and awake all the time! He had the most gorgeous blue eyes. He was a whole little person who quickly developed a personality. I would laugh as he put his hands in his mouth and get so mad because they were not filling his tummy. He wanted eat right away, when he was ready! He would make little protesting noises even while he was nursing, just to make sure I knew he was miffed at having to wait 2 minutes! He seemed to start smiling so early. All he wanted to do was to grin at people. His bath was his favorite time of the day. He would smile and splash. No matter how fussy he was, a bath was the solution. His skin was so soft and his pudgy fingers and toes......'so cute'. When Joshua woke up he stretched like a little kitty. He cooed and gooed all the time. I loved being a mom! It was more wonderful than I ever imagined it would be. Joshua probably traveled more in the 3 months of his life than most grown up do in a lifetime! He was 4 weeks old when he flew to Thunder Bay to visit his Nana and Uncle Trevor. We drove 4 times from Toronto to Thunder Bay after that as well. He loved to visit "Nana" We were visiting my mom when a horrible morning would change our lives forever. Then that morning came. We went to bed around three the night before, Joshua laughed for the first time at my mom that night. I gave Joshua a good night kiss and he smiled at me. He slept through the night, and woke at 6:30 starving and howling to be nursed. I brought him to bed with us and fed him, he was so cute! His toes were curled as his tummy got full. He dozed off for a little while, then woke up and wanted to play. He was smiling at me and I was blowing on his tummy to make him gurgle and smile. He was talking his little baby gibberish like crazy, then he seemed really tired. He kept rubbing his eyes and yawning. So I took him down to nap on my moms bed, so he could sleep uninterrupted, while Gerald and I talked to each other. He went down around 9:30. He fussed a bit so I went to check on him. He had spit his " Sookie" out. (Joshua LOVED his pacifier, otherwise know as "Sookie) I gave it back to him and he smiled at me and poked his little bum up in the air and closed his eyes. I heard him cry out again around 10:00, but he quit shortly after he started, so I assumed he found his sookie and went back to sleep. Little did I know that cry was my sweet baby boy leaving his mommy and Daddy and going to his heavenly Fathers arms. Around 10:30 Gerald (Joshua's daddy) went down stairs to get his little man to play with him before he left for Winnipeg on business. I followed him down and when he picked our baby boy up, I felt like someone punched me in the stomache. I knew he was dead, his eyelashes were matted and he was a light purple blue color around his mouth and eyes. He would not wake up. Gerald tried to wake him up, He started CPR. I shouted he was not breathing and called my mom, hysterical and told her to come home right away, Joshua was not breathing. The paramedics came and intibated him and flew him to Thunder Bay. I knew even before I got to the Hospital my precious son was gone forever. I thought that Gerald would fly with him, but they would not let him. My mom and I left before the air ambulance came so we would be at the hospital when my baby arrived. On the way there I kept trying to convince myself that he was alive and waiting for his mommy and daddy to come and take him home. I kept saying that this was only a nightmare and I would soon wake up and everything be be normal. When we got the ER I saw the Chaplain and a police officer- I knew he was gone. I looked for Gerald in a daze, but he was driving in as well. How do you react when you find out with no warning your sweet little bear is gone forever? I felt so numb, like I was in a dream and at any minute I'd wake up and it would be all over. I remember saying "no" over and over. It couldn't be true.The coroner took me back down the hallway to see Joshua. The police officer was by his door. He was lying there bundled up in a blanket with the intubation tube still in his mouth. I ran to him and started telling him how sorry I was. The chaplain encouraged me to hold him. They placed Joshua in my arms and the familiar feelings of holding him, singing to him, rocking him to sleep, playing with him, just talking to him came flooding back. He was so cold and had a blue tint to his skin. He looked like he was sleeping and would wake up and look at me with those love filled blue baby eyes. Time stopped right there. I held Josh and kissed his cold forehead while tears flowed. Cooing his pet names to him over and over. Gerald arrived in what seemed minutes and I stupidly told him Joshua had died. It was evident just by the situation. We cried together over a sons little body, tears of pain, tears for all the missed events in his life and tears for the empty ache that now filled our hearts. My mom held her little grandson, while I held my husband. We needed each other like we never had before. Geralds mom (Joshua's Babchi) and his brother, Uncle Christopher flew in that evening from Toronto. We would not let them take the baby for an autopsy till they arrived and got to hold him and say good bye for the last time. They got to cuddle Josh too. Our sweet little bear, so beautiful even in death. I knew he was dead, still didn't want him to be lonely. I did not want to leave and let go of him.. I had to answer lots of questions, many I don't remember, but from reading other families stories, we got off easy. The police officer investigating, was so nice and gentle on us. He had adopted a baby boy from Russia after he and his wife misscarried repeatedly. He knew the joy of having a perfect gift, a son, and the pain of losing a part of yourself, your baby. I can tell you 14 hours of hard labor was nothing compared to the pain we felt now. The doctors told us there would need to be an autopsy and explained what would happen. We spent the next few hours holding Joshua and grieving till the medical examiner came for him. I didn't want to give him up, yet I wanted to know what had happened to take our baby boy away from us. He was healthy, He was current on all his immunizations, he was a beastfed baby. Every precaution the experts advise you of, we followed- and it still didn't help.We left the hospital hours later . We slept very little for the next week. I still have problems sleeping now a month later. Christopher notified family and friends and he took care of all the arrangements. I don't think I would have been able to get though the funeral planning or the burial arrangements without Christopher and Josh's Auntie Nadine. I was so thankful, I wasn't able to make the neccesary decisions so they helped us with planning Joshua's funeral. Our son's funeral was held on Saturday, September 18, 1999. We found out that Joshua died from SIDS. In a small way this was a relief because I didn't think I could handle his death occurring due to neglect or because he slept on his tummy from day one. Yet, the fact that there is no logical explanation made it seem so unfair! Why us, why a healthy happy baby? Now joshua's daddy and I begin the slow and painful process of adjusting to life without the big blue eyes and smiles that readily came when he saw us. He always woke up with a smile on his face in the mornings. In 3 months and 3 days this little boy affected the lives of SO many people in ways we may never know about. He had so much love for everyone, he made me change my priorities in so many ways. He changed our lives, drew us closer together, made the world a wonderful, exciting place in vibrant colors. Joshua taught me the true meaning of unconditional love! Now it seems like everything is in black and white and fuzzy. Someday there will be color again and clarity, but that is down the road. Joshua will forever be our little angel in our hearts and on our minds. I love you my precious little man, I know you are safe and happy in heaven, it is us that feel the pain and greif with your passing. I will love you forever! Kisses and Hugs baby, Mommy  This SIDS Ring site belongs to Christina Harris Interested in joining? CLICK HERE Previous 5 Sites Previous Next Next 5 Sites Random Site List Sites

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