12 STEP PROGRAM OF RECOVERY FOR WEB ADDICTS

1) I will have orange juice in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

Ways To Handle Stress

1. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
2. Use your Master Card to pay your Visa.
3. When someone says "Have a nice day," tell them you have other plans.
4. Make a list of things you have already done.
5. Dance naked in front of your pets.
6. Fill out your tax forms in roman numerals.
7. Leaf through a National Geographic and draw underwear on the Natives.
8. Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room.
9. Write a story using alphabet soup.
10. Stare at people through the prongs on a fork, pretending they're in jail.

THE FIRST PARENT

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got Forbidden Fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes WAY!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I'm your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having a fruit break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the first parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did Not!"
"DID so!"
"DID NOT!!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a reassurance in this story.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

SILLY RANDOM THOUGHTS
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of bald men?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a trainstops. On my desk I have a work station.....
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit While you're ahead"
What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Tell a man there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint -- and he has to touch it.
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

A penny saved is a government oversight.
Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

BUMPER STICKERS

If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue You
Forget World Peace -- Visualize Turning Off Your Turn Signal
HANG UP AND DRIVE!
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest
I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit. Author's note: This describes me perfectly. Ask anyone who knows me.

CAT HUMOR (aka Cat as Terrorist)

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting in an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ... Hmmmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However,I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move.

Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it.. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel:Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

More jokes to follow.............stay tuned.

This page last updated 24 September 1999

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