My anguish over the absence of my child is not a thinking issue. It is a deep body loss that goes beyond grief to a depth I've not imagined. I've felt intense grief. I've had major losses. This loss is like losing a part of my BODY, really losing a part of my body...and watching it hang there, becoming gangrenous and trying to somehow get rid of the SMELL of it as I still try to
reattach it....it is that bad.
There are no words to describe the emotional and kinesthetic sensation many mothers have over the ripping away of our children to abusive and assaultive men who continually use the deepest and most primal love known to man to batter and abuse our minds, hearts, and bodies. Yes, fathers grieve and mourn deeply when they are cut from their children's lives. The fear of losing a child to an abusive spouse is universal, I'm sure.
You really couldn't understand a mother's body pain when not allowed to raise and love and care for and protect her child. I remember when I knew I was pregnant with my baby. I remember the spark of life I felt long before she moved within me. I remember loving my baby from the inside and through the valley of the shadow to her birth.
Our pain is complementary, but different, as is our love for our children as fathers and mothers.
I bet you [non custodial dads] don't get stares and ostracism when you disclose your non-custodial status. I bet no one judges you or slinks away when you say your kids live with their mother. There are major differences from the inside and the
outside between our places in non-custodial parenting.
I don't know a man who has the same body grief I have in the loss of daily contact and influence with my daughter. The mental and emotional anguish for separated fathers is extreme. But, the physical longing does not seem to exist in the same way as it does for a woman.
Maybe this physical longing is what causes so many women seeking custody to be considered hysterical, or to be labeled with the rest of the pathological disorders. Maybe the natural physical, emotional, and mental reactions we have are normal for the extreme state we are placed in as we fight to hold and love our children. I wish a serious study would be undertaken on this so
maybe these normal reactions wouldn't be used to damage us further.
Chris
I feel like every bit a mom when my boys are with me. "Super mom"
when things are going great with them. But when they are not with me,
I feel like a non-mom or a wannabe because that's how I'm treated by
my ex and by the school. People at work sometimes ask about my kids
or send little presents (stickers, happy meal toys,etc) with me to
give to them. That makes me feel like a mom, when other people
acknowledge it. And then, when things aren't going so good with the
kids, when they talk about their step-mother like she hung the moon or
when they don't feel particularly affectionate toward me, then I feel
like just the breeder that whelped them, or like a mother that has
given her child up for adoption.
Gina
What is a mother?
I think that being a mother comes from the heart. It isn't what you do but
how you feel about your children. It is putting their needs above your own.
It is protecting, teaching and then finally letting go. It is the greatest
love of all.
What is it about being noncustodial that sometimes may make us feel like
"less" of a mother? I think within my definition, it was the inability to always
protect and know what they were doing. I want to share with y'all though..
that that is part of divorce. I'm now custodial and I still don't know what
they are doing when they are with their dad and I'm not fully able to protect
them as much as I'd like.
I've always been "supermom". I don't know how to do it differently. That is
my greatest fault. My mom was "supermom"...and still is. I thank the good
lord for her every single day. She saved my kids because she was still trying
to protect me. She not only helped fund my custody case but was here for
support and testified for me. I used to be mother of 4, went to school
fulltime, and tutored students part-time. I did everything around the house
and was homeroom mom and taxi driver etc... I even rewired our stove, fixed
the broken vacuum, painted the exterior etc..
After divorce, I still did everything.
My kids know which one of us is parent
and who is playmate.
Sissy
A mother is a woman who has either given birth to or adopted a child or
children, someone whom they can trust and be close to, someone whose love
they can always count on unconditionally.
A mother is the person whose lap
they lay their heads in when they are troubled.
She is the person who
rejoices with them when they are happy or proud or triumphant.
She is
someone they can always come to.
She is the source of their life.
They
are always in her heart.
The time and the relationship and so on are all important. I don't feel
like "less" of a mother being noncustodial, except in terms of the quantity
of time I get to spend with them. Our relationship is as close as ever. I
do miss the day-to-day interactions, the daily watching them change and
grow. But in terms of love and emotion, we still share that, and they
still know they can come to me by mail or phone or e-mail even if we aren't
physically together.
I guess I feel like "supermom" when I'm trying to do it all - for them, for
my husband, for my job. And certainly when I write those child support
checks! (I wish I could have an enforced assurance that that money really
is going to THEM and not to HIM.)
But mostly I just feel like "mom" and
that's all I can be.
Phyl
I have learned about what it means to be a mother one small step at a time.
First, caring for myself during pregnancy. Then the big moment - when she
was born. That was the happiest moment of my life! I went through 15
hours of arduous labor - four hours of it pushing my guts out. Then
forceps. Finally she cried out. All the pain and anguish vanished in that
moment. Her cry was the single most beautiful thing I had ever heard. I
began to cry too. My sister cried. I am not sure about my ex - but he was
definitely there for me. I tried to bite him once. It was a while before
I could hold her because of complications, but when I did - wow - what a
connection between us. She looked at me and I at her - pure magic. When I
got her home, I would sit up in the middle of the night (we all remember
those feedings!) and rock her, and feed her and gaze at her beautiful face.
She is my life. That is for me what being a mother is.
Giving up a big
part of yourself to live for another.
Much more was to come, but that time
in my life
will always be the sweetest.
Michele
I think being a mother is different than being a "Mom." I prefer the latter.
You see, anyone can be a mother, just like any sperm donor can be a father. I
think a Mom intuitively knows what their child(ren) needs and seek out ways to
get these things for them. Not necessarily monitary, sometimes it requires
reaching down into the depth of your soul to pull out the special gift only
you can give.
Sacrifice is a big part of being a mom, emotional, physical and
financial are all in there, but the mom part keeps you from regretting these
sacrifices.
I do not feel like I am "less" of a mom because my boys do not live with me.
I have chosen to deal with the fact that they do not live with me at this time
by thinking about them always, picking up things during their time with their
"FATHER" that I can share with them when they come here, thinking of ways to
make their visits most productive with the least amount of stress, and working
on fighting for their well being which would require them living with me
again.
I feel like "Super Mom" when my children acknowledge how much I do do for them
and how much they appreciate it. I also cherish the moments when they tell me
they love me, there is no description for that feeling, as I'm sure you all
know.
Sometimes I have to muster "Super Human Strength" in order to deal with some
of the things they tell me that happen at their "Father's" house. I am still
being amazed at his ability to completely ignore the feelings, needs, etc., of
the children that are so very blatant to me. I am not sure if he just does
not have the "Mommy Connection" or if he is blinded by the hate he has for
himself, me, and everyone else in this world.
Carol L.
I am watching my daughters growing up in weekly incriments. The time seems to pass so quickly when you live from 'parenting time' to parenting time'... It seems like they were just little kids yesterday and now they are becoming beautiful women.
When they are here with me, I feel like I have to squeeze in every minute I can with them. I can't hug them enough, tell them I love them enough or say enough of all the important things to them that they need to know...
Being a mom is unconditional. It's nurturing, encouraging, holding on and letting go. It's having faith and trust. It means being available at all times, whether it's to give them a ride somewhere, play a game, help with homework or dry their tears. It's holding a hand, a heart and a soul. It's listening when they need to talk and talking when they need to listen.
Motherhood is the essence life. There is a connection that was established long before we ever knew what color eyes or hair they had.
I remember (when I was pregnant with them) how they'd react to the food I ate, my mood and just the normal day to day routine. We were as one and I believe that there is a part of us that will always be as connected as we were before their births...
We share a bond that no father, judge, law, lawyer or jury can *ever* take away from us.
Marti
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