128. Mom (after seeing my newly dyed hair): Your roots are going to grow out.
Me: I know.
Mom: Maybe you should get some special shampoo for colored hair, so that it doesn't fade.
Me: But then I wouldn't have to worry about the roots.
127. Kritn: Talking frees the soul. KAFLAM!
Me: Is that the sound a soul being freed makes? Kaflam?
Kritn: Yes. Kaflam.
126. And if you're taking the permit test at the Hammond Licence Branch, BEWARE! They have a horrible old woman now whose job is to sit at the door and 'help' you find what you need; by 'help' I mean 'mock and berate.'
--Vic Szanyi
125. You smell like a pop tart.
--Amy, commenting on my rasberry-scented hand lotion.
124. Jenny: Hey, are you going to Blockbuster?
Stef: No
Jenny: Oh! Just kidding, then!
123. I have no doubt that Wallace Stevens got all of this from BeastMaster.
--Pete
122. [In Dr. Bonnell's class today, we took our evaluations of his class, and he started to tell us about past answers...] One person was neutral on everything except "The tests are of a reasonable difficulty and length," and the person strongly agreed, then at the bottom, the question was "What would you most like to change about this class?" They put, "the test length and difficulty." Enough of this reasonable stuff! Another one said, "He's very boring and drones on, but he's a great teacher!" Another one said, "I wish you were my dad." I'm glad they're anonymous.
121. When Christopher Columbus came... [breaks into song] in 149...[stops singing] no. Don't ever sing in here.
--Dr. Burton. You have to realize, he's like, 90.
120. In what direction does the weather move here? West to east. How about Europe? West to east! And over the Atlantic? (This is hard, isn't it?) West to east! Now, how about the southern hemisphere? East to west!? I just made that up, right? NO!
--Dr. Burton
119. Borrow money for your education! Kill! Whatever! Hopefully not.
--Dr. Burton
118. [Talking about shopping at Walmart...] I had to get in line to pay for the goods... usually I try to sneak out, but this time I got in line, and it was a mistake.
--Dr. Burton
117. All of us who were trailer trash, raise your hand... no... nevermind.
--Dr. Burton
116. So he says, "Molly? What's up with that??" No, I just threw that in there for fun.
--Dr. Fry
115. I got a flat tire yesterday... Well, here's what happened... I put the jack up, then I took it down because I had it in the wrong place... it was going through a rusty part of the car...
--Dr. Fry
114. ...We were at my mother-in-law's house... We were thinking we were gonna get there then go. After we'd been inside about five minutes, I said, "Hey, your grandparents are pulling into the driveway." "Oh yeah, we were gonna have them over to have dinner and see you." "Oh yeah? Well, we were gonna leave." You know what it was? It was a grandparent ambush. It was Vietnam guerilla warfare.
--Pete
113. When she talks about her dad, she's not just talking about HER dad, she's talking about dad-ness in general.
--Pete
112. Poor me. God, you're a bastard.
--Pete
111. I just thought it was funny that your shirt said "Vince" and you were sitting by Vince. Wouldn't it be great if everyone's shirt had the name of the person sitting next to them? But I guess if we were going to do that, you could just put your own name on your shirt.
--Pete
110. And why not? After all, Jesse Ventura was elected governor of Minnesota, and he did a lot less than write the Antigone.
--Dr. Bonnell
109. These are not puppies... these are highly experienced veterans. It takes a lot to get them excited out of their senses.
--Dr. Bonnell
108. He could be cocker spaniel, for all they care, as long as the taxes don't go up.
--Dr. Bonnell, again
107. Some of you spelled it A-E-R-O-S-T-O-T-L-E, like he's a flying stotle, but that's ok.
--Dr. Bonnell
106. Who's your benefactor, who's your patron, who's your daddy, now?
--Dr. Bonnell
105. From sun up to sun down, and sometimes later, Romans had to do hard work... but not now... now it's all dancing and painting fingernails and lot and lots of illicit sex.
--Dr. Bonnell
104. He said, "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen! Are you mortal or are you a goddess?" And she says, "Oh, I'm a mortal." And he says, "Good, let's have sex."
--Dr. Bonnell
103. Shakespear was full of violence and dirty jokes... if you're ever reading Shakespear and you think, "Oh, surely he didn't mean THAT," well, he did.
--Pete
102. Shakespear catered to the common people... he was what the WWF is today.
--Pete
101. Oh, there are two Kristys! One with a "C" one with a "K"! Good work everybody.
--Pete
100. I would have a series of transparencies for you if the overhead projector was working. It seems that to make up for it, someone has left us some milk. I think that was the trade-off that occurred earlier in the day.
--Dr. Bonnell
99. ...What was important about Amphipolis? If the overhead projector was working right now, I'd do something really great... it was a key trade route.
--Dr. Bonnell
98. Again, this is where I explain to you the wonders and glories I would have if the overhead worked... it would be a map... and you would all ooh and aah... you'll just have to imagine. But take it from me, it would be glorious.
--Dr. Bonnell
97. Upon turning the tv on and seeing just some colored lines, rather than the movie that was supposed to be showing, Dr. Bonnell said, "Ok, that's not the film. The film is actually more complicated than that."
96. Well... you know... raping my daughter sounds bad, but I really hate Atreus.
--Dr. Bonnell
95. Orestes hesitates... "Should I be ashamed to kill my mother?" Pylades says, "No way man! Go ahead and kill her!"
--Dr. Bonnell
94. Hephaestus, who was the designated loser of the Gods... saw Athena naked and saw how shapely she was and tried to jump her.
--Dr. Bonnell
93. Cadmos says, I'm a prince, I live in Greek mythology, and what do princes in Greek mythology do? They go on heroic quests.
--Dr. Bonnell
92. That bull was actually Zeus... She'll have lots of kids, and some of them will be shaped like cows, so that's good, and she'll have a continent named after her.
--Dr. Bonnell
91. ...Was sentenced to spend 300 years in Scandanavia, with the smorgasboard, and that's just awful.
--Dr. Bonnell
90. Zeusy, will you do something for me?
--Dr. Bonnell
89. "Where ya going, Semele? What are you doing, Semele? What's up with you, Semele? Huh, huh, huh? It's a guy, isn't it? Who is he?" But she wouldn't tell them. "Oh, he must be a murderer, then?" "No, he's not a murderer." "Oh, he must be a convict." "No, he's very noble." "Oh, he's Zeus, right?" "Yeah! He is Zeus!" "Oh, he told you he was Zeus, huh? And you believed him?"
--Dr. Bonnell
88. Dr. Bonnell: So the sphinx, not knowing what to do, since no one ever solved the riddle before, throws herself onto some rocks and kills herself.
Random girl in class: WHAT!?
87. The future may not be like the past.
--Dr. Fry
86. And HE said that people think that one thing causes another if they happen one after another every time. For example, when we're playing pool and we hit the cue ball, and it hits the 8 ball, we think that the cue ball hitting the 8 ball CAUSED it to move. There's a flaw in this reasoning. Tuesday always comes right after Monday, but no one ever thinks that Monday CAUSED Tuesday.
--Dr. Fry
85. Wouldn't it be great if, when you got attacked by pirates and pulled on to their ship, you were pulled into some kind of time warp, and they had the peg leg and the eye patch and the parrot and everything? But I don't think it works like that.
--Pete
84. There were these two girls in my class, one of them was named Julie, and another one was named Bubba. I'm sure that wasn't her given name. But they were always together, and we called them Peanut Bubba and Julie.
--Pete
83. But in the back of your head there's this little voice going, "What about seeeex?" and you're like, "Oh, no! Not that!"
--Pete
82. Poetry doesn't have to make sense, that's why we study it. That's why we don't study greeting cards. Maybe if there was a greeting card that said, "Hope you're doing well, I know it's hard to tell, You're STUPID!", maybe then we would study them.
--Pete
81. Last year, fifty-something people were killed by pirates. Do you realize that!? So if you're out on a boat, be careful.
--Pete
80. That's like a band name! The Surgeons of Love, they rock!
--Pete
79. The Delphic oracle says, in her riddling way, "You gonna die." They come back later and say, "You weren't really clear the first time, what do you mean?" "You gonna die. When the Persians come, they gonna kill you." Then she inhales some more vapor and says, "If you hide behind a wooden wall, you may have a chance."
--Dr. Bonnell, in History class
78. Hey, I've got a game! If you're not here to be put on the seating chart, you'll never be counted absent! Never thought of that.
--Dr. Burton
77. I have a sinus problem that's affecting my inner ear. The room is moving that way... so would you all lean this way to make up for it? ... Or I got into some bad liquor last night.
--Dr. Burton
76. (Talking about what we're going to do in class next week...) Who knows? Yeah, you never can tell, and I'M not gonna tell you, 'cause I don't know either.
--Pete
75. Does anyone know what Emily Dickenson was known as? "The Myth," right? Boy, I'd like to be known as "The myth!" "Who's your teacher?" "Oh, the myth!"
--Pete (My Creative Writing prof.)
74.Dr. Burton: I cut down on caffeine because of high blood pressure. It worked. My blood pressure fell, but so did I, almost. I can't stay awake for anything. Right now I'm on Diet Pepsi. does it have less caffeine than coffee? I think so. Does anyone have anything else I can go on?
Kid in class: Crack!
Dr. Burton: Crack is good.
73.Chris: ...Bullet was a good name for him because betas are japanese fighting fish or whatever... so his name was shortened to Bullet and that's what we call him today
Me: We?
Chris: Well, me and people who i've told his name to.
Or me and Sam, I guess.
Me: And Sam is...?
Chris: Sam is my duck. but he's not a real duck, he's a fake one i got at meijer when i moved in this summer to add some decoration and class to the place. Sam is a good duck
72. Inside every sad person, there's a happy person struggling to get out.
-Me again! Whoo!
71. Every time you make a connection with someone, you take a risk. But you can't control the way you will affect them.
-Me
70. Mom: Are you washing the dishes?
Me: Yeah.
Mom: Oh, that's nice of you.
Me: ...You told me I had to...
Mom: I know.
69. No, Hitler can't come! OHHH, you said Annon, NOT Adolf.
-Bob
68. How are you going to respond when the Clock-Radio of Challenge emits the Irritating Buzz of Opportunity? Are you going to roll over and hit the Snooze Button of Complacency? Or are you going to wake up and, after performing the Bodily Functions of Preparedness, boldly grasp the Toothbrush of Tomorrow?
- Dave Barry
67. Me: speaking of which....what should i name my spider?
Bill: pablo?
Me: yes! that's awesome!
Bill: cool!
Bill: pablo the spider.
Me: now that i'm looking at him.... i think this is a different spider
Bill: a different one? damn.. it's his friend, taco.
66. Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness otherwise it's
hard to tell if someone is inconspicuous.
65. Strange things happen when you're in debt. Two weeks ago
my car broke down and my phone got disconnected. I was one
electric bill away from being Amish.
-- Tom Ryan
64. I think she wants you to print those.
--Mom
You mean like NOT write in cursive?
--Me
63. You don't have to go back to school, we like your computer riiiight here... Oh... and we don't mind you, either.
--Raven, my adorable sister
62. Me: I have to go online and collect all my birthday cards that all my friends have sent me.
Mom: Collect them and then what?
Me: You know... read them.
61. Mom: You look like you got sunburned, or tan or something.
Me: I did get sunburned.
Mom: Where?
Me: Outside.
60. Thank you! Muchos gracias! Taco salad!
--Some random guy
59. I have my two most difficult finals tomorrow and I'm sittin' here listening to Robert Palmer songs.
--Chris
Well, maybe they're Robert Palmer finals.
--Stef
58. The backs of my legs are sunburned, and it hurt to sit in the chair with shorts on, but it was too hot to sleep in pants, and I didn't feel like changing into shorts, again. In case you were wondering why I wasn't wearing any pants.
--Me, to Sarah, this morning after a grueling night of studying.
57. The Twinkie man is dressed like a cowboy because of corporate control.
--Matt, referring to number 54.
56.Chris: So i said that huh?
Me: Yep.
Chris: That's a good one, what was the situation?
Me: I was telling you I was going to clean out that giant aquamarine binder.
Chris: Ha.
I'm funny.
That's a good quote.
--Chris, (and me) talking about quote number 49.
55. Yes, we say skank out in the country.
--Chris
54. Me: Why is the Twinkie man dressed like a cowboy?
Stef: What?
Me: Why is the Twinkie man dressed like a cowboy?
Stef: What Twinkie man?
Me: The Twinkie man on the packages of Twinkies.
Stef: I didn't even know there was a Twinkie man.
Me: Yeah, it's a Twinkie dressed like a cowboy.
What do cowboys have to do with Twinkies?
Stef: I have no clue.
Me: Wow, twinkies have FAR too much creamy filling. I think it's laced with happy.
Stef: Happy is not good.
Me: Not so much.
Stef: Caution, do not mix with caffeine.
Me: Too late... I already drank half a Pepsi.
Stef: That could be dangerous.
Me: Could be, could be.
We'll just have to see.
53. Unless by some miracle I'm NOT a lazy bum.
--Me
I'm not seeing any miracles, there.
--Stef
52. Next time he talks to you, you can be like, "Maybe if i'd met you down at the re-hab center, we'd have something in common to base a relationship off of."
--Me, to Stef, about Joe
51. He just LOOKS like he's been ingesting crack all day.
--Me. Aren't I the witty one lately?
50. "Why not???? I'm hurt!!!!"
--Some girl
People who use as much multiple punctuation as you, deserve to be hurt.
--Me
49. As your junior advisor, I advise you not to do that.
--Chris
48. Look it up, calendar boy.
--Josh, to Joel
47. Do you guys remember that episode of the X-Files?
--Jon
46. Don't tell Joel!
--Me and Stef
45. Twinkies heal all wounds.
--Me
44. We're playing magic stripes and solids.
--Bill
43. Ok, I think my computer prefers to be stupid.
--Dave
42. She's on crask.
--Bob
41. AFK my ass! I see you typing, ho!
--Me, to an 11-year-old, on accident. I thought I was talking to Bob.
40. Oh, no no no! Not Newton's First Law!
--My Astronomy professor, Dr. Jordan, pretending to be a tennis ball on a roller skate with a scared face. The ball had the face, not the skate...
39. I think there should be an law that says whenever an amendment is proposed over 500 times, it automatically becomes an amendment.
--Bob.
38. I started the course this way, and I'm going to continue it like this until you lynch me.
--Dr. Jones, my crazy crazy math professor
37. "Alex, I'll take 'Things Only I Know' for $200"
36. Actually officer, if you factor in the earth's rotation, we were all speeding.
35. "You're a good cook!"
--Dave Wright, to Annie, for no apparant reason.
34. A toast to bread, for without bread, there could be no toast.
33. A self-addressed envelope would be addressed "envelope"
32. The Web isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.
31. "I like to eat poop. Urine soaked pickles are a delicacy to me. Dog dodo is good on fried rice. I like to give Gobstoppers to friends.
-Rhiannon"
--Jim Danko, pretending to me be.
30. A person who can't lead and won't follow makes a dandy roadblock.
29. A morning without coffee is like something without something else.
28. "He's Jim, dad." -McCoy introduces Kirk to his father
27. Today's subliminal thought is:
26. If "he who lives by the sword shall die by the sword" holds true, then
jesus the carpenter met his end properly. After all, he was nailed to a
piece of wood, wasn't he?
25. This message was sent to you via email in much the same way bricks aren't.
24. There are very few problems that cannot be solved by orders ending with "or die." -- Alistair J.R. Young
23. Did you ever notice that Evian bottled water is naive spelled backwards? Think about it...
22. "Shablahhhhhhhh What?"
--Jim
21. "What up? What up? No, that wasn't the way."
--Kristen
20. I think therefore I am... I think
19. Water which is too pure has no fish.
18. DIE!!!
--Rhiannon
17. Fuck you! Get the fuck off my banana loaf!
--Amber Winter
16. You are SUCH a Mac person.
15. I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me
what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
--Steven Wright
14. Sorry 'bout day.
--Kristen Bouwman
13. Never try to leap a chasm in two jumps.
12. The only good cat, is a dead cat.
--Ed Esgate
11. Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail friends.
10. Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
9. No one feels as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
8. Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
7. Yo Tom! Look! We made a basic vehicle!
--Justin Earl
6. Gooshy!
--Kevin Malmstrom
5. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the backseat cause kids.
4. Your ass is grass, and I'm John Denver!
--Greg Reed
3. Life is sexually transmitted, and always fatal.
2. People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Neither should they nail up pictures.
1. If they had South Park in Germany, Cartman would sound like Rico
Suave! --Julio Vargas
