September 7, 2002

I can't sleep. I laid next to you and those words, they just started forming in my brain. So I got up to write them down.

Questions are pouring out of what seems like every pore in my skin. They are coming faster than I can digest them.

And the emotions, they are intense and I don't know where to turn. I feel so utterly alone in this. Do I risk waking you and angering you further. Am I making a mistake of not waking you up and enlightening you with how I feel. Which way do I turn. I can't turn any way, I have to remain still and quiet. Neither option is good.

You've dismissed how I feel about this, instead of acknowledging and accepting your rightful blame. You hold on to your anger and refuse to see my hurt. Am I right in this, no. Am I wrong in this, no. Can you not see how deeply you've hurt me. Can you not see my strength and sheer will to push thru this?

I can't do this alone. I cannot feel alone in this quest. I already know one sided relationships don't work. And I also already know that hiding behind walls isn't going to work either. Holding on to anger won't work either my dear.

You did not drop something tonight my dear, you have dismissed me. Again you have shown what is important to me is not important to you.

From your mouth comes the right words. And no sooner do they leave your mouth when you're ready to walk out the door again.

The words "it's done, it's over" get thrown around this house too much. And they are usually from your mouth. Are you done, is it over? You say it and then you act differently. And while your actions comfort me, your words sting me. How many times do you think I'm going to listen to those words before I stop caring? Before I disregard you?

I'm lost tonight, and I so desperately need to find my way. I want you to draw me close, kiss my forehead, my eyelids, my tears and hush me. I want your arms around me making me safe again.

Please don't cheat me, god please don't cheat me anymore. And I am so sorry I've wasted so much time cheating you. Love me completely, wholly and without reserve. Do not in your anger withdraw from me, but pull closer. If you would stop pushing me away, you would see that is what I'm trying to give to you.

Accept my emotional and irrational ways. Love me despite them. Can you do that?