The Story of Liz

A synopsis in 22 chapters

THE STORY OF LIZ - A Story as OLD as TIME ITSELF
Many, many, many, many, many, many, many, MANY years ago Liz was born. I won't say she is old, but she used to like playing frisbee with Adam and Eve at family reunions. When she was young, she liked playing with rocks, because sticks had not yet been invented. She was a big race fan, and loved to bet heavily on her favorite dinosaurs at the racetrack. She earned extra money babysitting little Methuseleh. She also babysat little Fred Flintstone, changing his rocky diapers and even wiping his yabba-dabba do-do. Years and YEARS went by, and little Fred grew up to become a big star in cartoons, but he never forgot his great Aunt Liz. On and on through history, which really ought to be called HER-story, she helped mankind by her many wonderful inventions. I'm sure you've all heard of money - infomercials - and toilet paper, which replaced the traditional handfull of pebbles. Believe me, both Pebbles AND Bam-Bam were relieved. Old Liz, A.K.A. "The Ancient One" also devised the wheel, the chain letter, and food. Before that, people just wandered around hungry. Life expectancy increased dramatically. We all owe a debt to Liz, inventress of fire, library fines, and the spoken word. This signalled the end of the "Point and Grunt" era. She was also responsible for some less successful inventions: "Edible Kitty Litter", "Dentistry with Extra Pain", "Buffalo Chip-N-Dip" and "The Misfortune Cookie" -these never really caught on. Liz loved gardening, and raised the Giant Redwoods from seed. Her observations throughout her long, long, long life became famous sayings. Who could forget "You could put your eye out with that thing" and the less well-known, "DON'T put your eye out with that thing" and "Is there a doctor in the house?!" Some of her sayings, however, became corrupted during the Middle Ages, and lost their original intent. "Step on a crack make your mother QUACK", "A penny saved - whoopee", "Play with matches and you're gonna get drowned", "Look - I made a SILK PURSE out of a COW'S EAR!" and "Big girls DO cry - A LOT!" We all look forward to the release of her autobiography, part 1, all 295 volumes, it's also available in a 24 CD gift set. "So, Liz, we're dying to know - which DID come first - the chicken or the egg?"

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