The Tractor Buyer's Guide to Sale Ad Terms

Do you ever get confused reading all those sale ads in the Thrifty Nickel? I know that if you're anything like me, you can't make heads or tails of what most of those ads are trying to tell you. Well, fear no more friend! I've got all the answers you need right here at the Off The Farm Tractor Buyer's Guide To Sale Ad Terms. Many months of painstaking research have been completed by our experts. Exhausting and sometimes exasperating conversations, consultations and confrontations have taken place with farmers, implement dealers, yuppie farmer wannabees and tractor jockeys nationwide. Countless hours have been spent slaving over a hot computer. I even broke a fingernail working the hand clutch on my keyboard. In a herculean effort to help my fellow tractor enthusiasts, I've translated the most indeciferable collection of B.S. known to mankind into common terms which are understandable by even the simplest of men. Remember folks, if you're in the market for a tractor, before you pick up that sale flyer you need to carefully study the Off The Farm Tractor Buyer's Guide To Sale Ad Terms. I have one more really important tip for you prospective John Deere owners: Before you start doin' any real heavy cipherin' of figgers, be sure to take off BOTH of yer shoes (right Rog?) so you've got enough digits available to count up all them big numbers that's soon to be flyin' yer way. HAPPY TRACTOR SHOPPIN'.

Ad Says:	Really Means:
Rough Condition	Too Bad To Lie About
Parts Tractor	Beyond Repair
Expo Condition	Been Waxed One Time
Engine Runs Quiet	Using 90W Oil
Needs Minor Overhaul	Needs New Engine
Needs Major Overhaul	Ready For The Junkyard
Burns No Oil	Does Not Run
Rebuilt Engine	Cleaned The Plugs
Drive It Away	Owner Lives On A Hill
Desirable Classic	Nobody Likes It
Rare Classic	Nobody Liked It When It Was New
Modern Classic	Manufacturer Didn't Like It
Stored 20 Years	Sitting In Fencerow On Back 40
Restored	Stored 20 Years In Barn
Solid As A Rock	Rusted Solid
Good Investment	Can't Be Worth Less
No Time To Restore	Parts Don't Exist
95 Percent Complete	Other 5 Percent Doesn't Exist
All There	Disassembled On Barn Floor
Other Conflict Forces Sale	Wife Says Me Or That &%$# Thing Is Going
Ran When Parked	Engine And Transmission Are Stuck
Slight Surface Rust	No Trace Of Paint Anywhere
Good Work Tractor	Missing All Sheet Metal And Safety Equipment
Tires Fair	Hold Air, But No Tread Left
Good Rubber	Needs Four Tires
On Full Steel	Tires Completely Rotted Away
Good Sheet Metal	Only A Few Big Dents
Many New Parts	Still Not Running Right
Extensive Refurbishing	Rattle Can Paint Job
Ready For Restoration	Total Basket Case
Lots Of Extra Parts	Don't Know Where They Go
Good Hydraulics	Only Leak When Use Is Attempted
Professionally Restored	Brush Painted By Ten Year Old Neighbor Kid
One Owner Tractor	Wife Finally Got Sick Of Junk In The Yard
Show Quality	Looks Good, Doesn't Run
Pony Start	Requires Two Ponies, Not Included
Aftermarket Three Point Hitch	Won't Fit Any Existing Implements
Easy Restoration	See "Parts Tractor"
Governor Needs Work	Kicked A Rod Due To Over-rev
Engine Sound	Has A Really Bad Knock
Undercarriage Good	Only Throws A Track When You Turn
Runs OK	Won't Pull Itself In First Gear
Older Restoration	Was Washed Once In 1973
Industrial Model	Everything Completely Worn Out
Basket Case	Not Even Good For Parts
Must Sell ASAP	Divorce Imminent If Not Sold
12 Volt Conversion	Electrical System Totally Fried
Located In Canada	Block Cracked Due To Frozen Coolant
Has Wheel Weights	Rims Poured Full Of Cement
Good Radiator	Only Leaks When Engine Is Running
Fresh Overhaul	Replaced Points And Plugs Last Year
Air Conditioned Cab	Windows All Broken Or Missing
Rebuilt Distributor	Has New Cap And Rotor
Located In Arkansas	Held Together With Baling Wire
Excellent Puller	Owner Sick Of Losing
Pictures Available	Will Cost More Than You Can Afford
90 Percent Restored	Wife Demanding Electric Washing Machine NOW!
Easy Starting	One Good Push Is All It Takes
Nice 40" Spokes	Giving Up Because He Couldn't Find Tires
Good Oil Pressure	Gauge Is Broke
Collector's Item	Nicely Painted Junk
Well Maintained	Oil Changed Once In The Last Five Years
Serious Inquiries Only	Looking For A Sucker
Rare Find	Common As Dirt
For Sale Cheap	Wife Is REALLY Mad This Time
Cut Tires	Ran Over Old Cultivator While Mowing
Hate To Sell	Can't Wait To Get Rid Of It
Hand Crank	Must Be Pulled To Start
Clean Tractor	Scraped Most Of The Mud Off After Getting Stuck
Been Shedded	Shed Is Now Collapsed On Tractor
Cleaning Out Barns	Divorce Is Now Final
Parade Ready	Engine Too Weak For Real Work
Rebuilt Head	Lashed The Valves
Crossmotor	Seldom Starts, Never Runs Right
Good T/A	Works Only On The High Side
Electric Start	Requires Jumper Cables
Power Take Off	Sometimes Moves Under Its Own Power
Professionally Finished	Restoration Interrupted By Wife's Lawyer
Turf Tires	You Have To Dig It Out Of The Mud Yourself
High Tension Magneto	It's A Headache To Start
Engine Free	Transmission Is Stuck
Servicable As Is	It Needs A LOT Of Service
Need Larger Tractor	Broke Frame While Pulling Stumps
No Rust	Too Greasy For Rust To Form
With Bush Hog	Needs Four Tires
Delivery Available	Desperate To Sell
Barn Fresh	Buried In Bird Poop, You Dig It Out
Engine Slightly Modified	Crankshaft Is Broken
Styled	Hippie Daughter Painted Flowers On It
Unstyled	Brush Painted With Red Oxide Primer
Located In Iowa	Hippy Daughter Left For Ag School
Pressed Steel Frame	Crushed In A Cattle Stampede
Big Tractor	Won't Fit In Garage With Wife's Car
Tuned Up	Just Filled Tank With Fresh Gas
Rarely Used	Never Would Start
Garden Tractor	Wife Has Flowers Planted All Around It
As Is	Will NEVER Run Again
All Original	Engine Blew Up, Left It Where It Quit
Antique	Anything With Rust On It
Road Gear	Lights And SMV Emblem
Needs Minor Detailing	Some Paint Left
Rebuilt Carburetor	Patched Crack In Bowl With Some JB Weld
Needs Paint	Sheet Metal Completely Rusted Out
Reconditioned Magneto	Swiped Magnets From The Refrigerator
Make Offer	So Bad The Owner's Embarassed To Set A Price
With Extra Block	It's Cracked Too
Sheet Metal Sound	Rattles So Loud You Can't Hear The Engine Run
All Fuel	Won't Run No Matter What's In The Tank
Project Tractor	For Someone With More Dollars Than Sense
Engine Loose	Absolutely No Compression
Power Lift	What You'll Need To Get It On The Trailer
Parting Out	Ran Out Of Parts To Keep It Running
One Of A Kind	Impossible To Find One In Worse Condition
Small Crack In Block	Window Where The Rod Came Out
Good Battery Box	Old Toolbox Welded To Hood
Working Hydraulics	TPH Will Lift If No Implement Is Attached
Good Manifold	Not Cracked All The Way Through
Original Paint	The Green Stuff Under All That Dirty Grease
Good Gas Tank	Only Leaks If More Than Half Full
Not Very Pretty	Your Wife Will Cry When She Sees It
Rebuilt Water Pump	Put Some Blue Silicon Around The Seal
Brass Tag	Small Metal Plate Worth More Than The Whole Tractor
Purrs Like A Kitten	Won't Run For Sh*t

Our experienced staff of consumer advocates here at the Off The Farm Tractor Buyer's Guide To Sale Ad Terms wish to thank you for your continuing support of our endeavors, and invite you send us a message if you see that we have neglected to include any terms here that you may be familiar with.

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