Introduction

Etiquette provides a codified method of dealing with social situations that, sans rules, can be quite uncomfortable for many of us. In the Victorian era the boundaries of proper behavior were quite well defined, unlike today. While there may have been much within the borders of their etiquette that we today would find peccable in their gender-related extremes and erroneous presuppositions concerning gender-based differences, there is far more today that is peccable in the way we behave toward one another, most folks seemingly having thrown off the cloak of etiquette and abandoned all appearances of propriety.

Social rules were based on restraint, or the ability to control one's tongue and actions. They were also based on sentimentality, and the traditional rules of women being domestic goddesses, children being miniature adults, and men being the strength and staff that led the domestic sphere. Though war tore apart many a domestic hearth and threw ordinary people into extraordinary and highly unfamiliar situations, it made many people cling to the "rules of society" as a protection against the chaos that was imposed on them by a changing outside world. Even during the darkest days of the War, though, Northerners and some Southrons still enjoyed dinner parties, formal visits, dances, church socials, and parlor entertainment.

Much is ascribed to the Puritans that was not at all characteristic of the Puritans, but came from the Victorians. Much that the Victorians developed within their books of etiquette was based on a romantic view of life as exemplified in the works of Sir Walter Scott (far more popular and culturally established in the South than the North), and a faulty understanding of the physical capabilities and proclivities of men and women. Find fault where you may, though, ladies and gentlemen were prepared to deal with familiars and strangers alike in an appropriate fashion because of their training in etiquette.

Much as was true with fashions of the day, a person’s actions were ruled by social norms established in mid-Victorian etiquette. Social etiquette varied according to class distinction and the geographic area in which a person lived. Too, etiquette was affected by whether activities were scheduled during the day or after dusk, and if activities involved both genders. Rules that had become common by the 1850’s were perpetuated through the War years, though at times they were forcibly relaxed by circumstance. Refugees or those having to reside for a time in hospitals could hardly expect, or be expected, to follow all of the rules common in a society not disrupted by War.

If the distinctions between classes of people that they made in their books of etiquette seem extreme to us, are those distinctions really different from those we make de facto without benefit of a recognized class structure or social hierarchy?

The mid-Victorian books of etiquette dealt with appropriate behavior in every arena of life. While it is not the expressed purpose of this brief overview of mid-Victorian etiquette, it should be mentioned that etiquette manuals of the period give us today far more than a peek into the code of conduct for virtually any social setting. They give us some good, long glimpses into the life of mid-Victorian society and life. Etiquette manuals were not restricted to the subject matter of manners exclusively. Some also served as guides to choosing the proper or appropriate colors for women and men in their dress, recommendations for personal care or hygiene, recipes for shampoos, skin creams, hair pomades, and breath fresheners. They sometimes extended so far as to give household cleaning tips, laundry care advice, suggestions as to how to clean kid gloves, train children and servants, and manage a household. Such manuals would prove invaluable to ladies whose households were devoid of a male presence to conduct the family business when the War came.

Re-enacting does not demand that we know how to deal properly with the breadth of human experience, however, and this small work is intended as a general guide for re-enactors, not a compilation and restatement of the many etiquette manuals of the period leading up to, and including, the War Between the States. For that cause, we shall deal with situations one might expect to encounter within the bounds of re-enacting; situations in which it will improve our overall impression to know the appropriate responses from that age. When it seems valid (or at least harmless enough) to extend our treatment of mid-Victorian etiquette beyond the bounds of re-enacting life, we shall not hesitate to cross that border - briefly. This is not, then, offered up as a flawless, limitless etiquette manual, but simply a general guide that, if correct, will help guide you through the routine social situations of re-enacting life. It is not intended to be the law of the Medes and the Persians which "changeth not, it standeth forever". Use it to your own benefit and at your own risk.

Manuals of etiquette became relatively popular as America developed a better understanding of its place in the world, and a greater and more popular consciousness of the manner in which Americans were perceived in England and Europe. In the early decades of its life, America’s manners and the roughness of its people had been excoriated by foreign visitors who wrote books and newspaper articles for a European market. Foreign travel writers such as Frances Trollop and Charles Dickens portrayed Americans as social savages. As our cities grew with our sense of national pride and position in the world community, Southrons and Northerners alike became increasingly eager to dispel the false foreign impression of our people as rough riverboatmen and unkempt, unmannerly backwoodsmen.

Americans developed a sense of power and position by the middle of the 19th century which was fueled by enormous strides that were being made in industry and invention. Factories supplanted cottage industries, and machinery began to take over the roles formerly occupied by men who had been trained in skilled trades. The lure of the image of progress and the excitement of the new and novel drew many young men and women away from an agrarian lifestyle and brought them into the cities and industries that were growing so very rapidly.

Every area of life was in the process of changing. Transportation made enormous leaps, the advent of the steamboat and rail transportation making a rapidly mobile society of one that had been a slow and plodding one, one formerly ruled by horse-drawn wagons and carriages and river skiffs. A haphazard method of communication was being replaced with a relatively dependable and immediate system of telegraphs, as well as delivery services and a mail system that would become the envy of the world.

Progress was being made in so many areas of life. Yet with each step forward, society was disrupted. Change - even the best of changes - is unsettling to most, and the rate of progress on a multitude of fronts was dizzying to many. The progress I which so many took pride also left them adrift in many ways, not knowing the right things to do any more.

Other disruptions of life were to come. The siren call of new, unexplored land drew many people westward. Then the excitement of the discovery of gold in California and Colorado spurred many to throw over their lives and trades and seek their fortunes elsewhere. As factories grew and the opportunity to create through invention made so many things seem possible that could only be dreamed of before, men left their jobs that kept them around the home and took jobs that led them off to places congested by populations of strangers. Trades passed from father to son had fewer sons interested in learning father’s trade.

Young women were, by the middle of the 19th century, less apt to live at home until they married, as the more marriageable young men seemed to be leaving for other places and other employments. Their prospects of meeting a man they might want to marry were improved by moving to larger population centers - bigger cities - and the less well-to-do young women’s employment prospects enlarged beyond domestic service. Hard as factory work was, it at least provided a change from domestic service. That would prove to be of little solace to those who found themselves living in conditions worse than those in which most slaves found themselves, a situation not reserved for young women only, but for men, women, and children of all ages.

Young people weren't the only ones moving away from farms and family. Older, single adults and whole families were also moving as never before. Their reasons varied, but frequently they were in search of adventure and new opportunities to advance their lot in life; America was the "Land of Opportunity". This phenomenon of so many people on the move physically and with so much opportunity to move up socially was uniquely American.

As a result of this moving around, for the first time in their experience, ever increasing numbers of people found themselves working and living with strangers. People soon learned that moving to a new place and earning more money was not a guarantee of social advancement, nor was wearing fashionable clothing. Knowing the proper ways to behave became increasingly important as the middle class expanded and society became more complex.

With a burgeoning middle class and lower upper class, America was filled with people who reached higher strata in society without the blessings of a higher education, or the multitudinous rules of etiquette. Consequently, an increasing demand for etiquette manuals was evidenced. While there were indeed etiquette manuals or books in print at the beginning of the 19th century, they were not available in the quantities and varieties that the 1840’s would finally see. The 1850’s would put the numbers of etiquette manuals from the 1840’s to shame, however, and the increase would continue beyond the War Between the States. People were not insensible of their social lacks, and were making great efforts to correct their deficiencies. It was the era of the self-made man.

The South was more concerned with the social proprieties than the North, it would seem. During the War, even though many folks had to do without fine foods, new clothes, and fine dishes and decor, they none the less observed the rules of civility, which included letters of introduction and condolence, invitations of various sorts, and thank-you notes. For many, laying hold of the tradition of proper etiquette kept the fiber of all that was familiar to them - their society - from being torn from their lives.

Mid-Victorian etiquette certainly is more demanding of us than contemporary etiquette which has been tempered - some say degraded - by the view of women as equals to men, rather than their superiors. Too, modern rules of comportment are far more relaxed, or casual, than those of the mid-Victorian period. While the rules of conduct for the mid-Victorian age are more rigid than are ours at the end of the twentieth century, you will find that they really require, at their root, little more than common sense and some degree of sensitivity to others.