A. Anything can and usually does happen when you are searching. If you
are not prepared to deal with the truth of your life, you are not ready
to search. Your birthmother could be dead or may not want to meet you.
Chances are she is alive, living a normal life and is as anxious to meet
you are you are to meet her.
B. Birthmothers never forget. Tucked away somewhere is her memory of
you. It reappears on your birthday and the day she surrendered you.
C. Cry a lot and laugh a lot during your search. It is healing.
D. Do not expect a reunion to solve all your problems. It will not.
Searching will make you stronger and may answer questions you may have
about yourself, but it will also bring new complications to your life
and possibly new relationships you will have to deal with.
E. Expect to feel very emotion as your search progresses. It is common
to feel a lot of grief - anger, sadness, hopelessness - as you proceed
on your search.
F. Feelings means you are doing your work. If you are not feeling
anything, chances are you are running from something. Expect to feel
tremendous highs when you uncover new information on your search and
tremendous lows when you find yourself up against a wall.
G. Go to meetings, get search help and talk about your experience. It
helps to talk to people who are in the same boat as you or who have gone
through their own searches.
H. Hold on, you move too fast. Chances are you have not dealt with the
intensity of emotions you may experience on your search. Searching can
often feel like a roller coaster ride. Sometimes by slowing down, and
by not being in such a hurry to have all the information at once,
overwhelming feelings may subside.
I. Incentiveness pays off. You have to be active in your search. Those
who stay on the sidelines don't find. Searching doesn't go by the
numbers. The more inventive you and your search helper are, the better
your chances of having a successful reunion.
J. Join a search/support group; people who search through a group have a
better chance of finding and a better chance of a good reunion.
K. Keep good records. Do not throw away anything that might later
provide an essential clue.
L. Listen to the experience of birthmothers in the group. Chances are
you have never met a birthmother - and known it. This is your
opportunity to gain some valuable insight into your own birthmother.
Chances are she did not give you up because she did not love you. She
gave you up because she was told she was doing the right thing.
M. Meetings. Meetings. Meetings. They provide a safe place to explore
your adoption experience and to gain support from others who are going
through their own search processes.
N. Nice people tend to have smoother reunions. It is understandable to
experience rage at what has happened to you and possibly at your
birthmother. Deal with the feelings of rage as much as you can before
you approach your birthmother. Chances are you will get off on a better
foot that way.
O. Only the beginning. Searching is not the end, it is only the beginning.
P. People who do not understand are best left out of the search process.
Expect to hear some people tell you that you have no right to search for
your birth family, that you are being disloyal and ungrateful to your
adoptive family, and that you will destroy your birthmother's life by
revealing her secret. Birthmothers do not die from be "exposed."
Experience shows that many birthmothers, once they overcome the fear,
want very much to meet their sons and daughters. Your adoptive parents
will not die because you search, either. It may be painful for them,
but it is your right to search and to know the truth of your life.
Q. Quitting will not get you anywhere. Expect to have some powerful
feelings of wanting to quit your search at times, especially if it
becomes lengthy or difficult. You do not have to quit, but sometimes if
the emotions become too intense, you might want to slow the pace of your
search and come to more meetings as a way of understanding what you are
feeling.
R. Rejection is every adoptee's middle name. Expect to feel a lot of
fears of rejection as your search. But you will find yourself growing
stronger at every step as you confront there fears. Expect to feel
afraid that your birthmother or adoptive family will reject you for
searching. Chances are this will not happen.
S. Sad as it is to accept, adoption is not all it is cracked up to be.
Your experience has not been perfect, and a lot of things have happened
to cause you pain. To believe that your adoption experience has been
perfect is to be in denial. By being in denial, you are running away
from painful feelings about yourself and about your life. Running only
makes it worse.
T. Therapists are often useful when you are searching. They can help
you deal with the confusing feelings you may experience. Seeing a
therapist does not mean you are sick. It just means you are trying to
take care of your emotional life and to learn more about yourself.
U. Understanding will be a valuable asset when you meet your
birthmother. As you go through your search, you are preparing yourself
for your reunion. Your birthmother is not. She is probably still in
"hiding" and does not have a conscious idea that you are searching for
her. Occasionally, birthmothers and adoptees do look for each other.
V. Voice your feelings when you go to support group meetings. As hard
as it is to share painful feelings, sharing them will help you deal with
your emotions.
W. Wounds from adoption take time to heal. Be kind to yourself.
X. Xpect to feel that your birthmother is dead. It goes through
everyone's mind. She is probably not dead, but if she is, you may have
the opportunity to meet siblings, aunts, uncles, even your birthfather.
Y. You will not die from your feelings. You may feel like you are going
to die during your search experience, but unless you walk in front of a
runaway truck...
Z. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Sleep a lot while you are searching. It is a
tiring experience, both physically and emotionally.
