TV GENERATION

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying 
attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny, what 
are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" 

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon 
Network!"



CRUEL REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
 
 
 
 

SMOKEY THE BLOND

One evening, two Alabama State Trooper patrol cars were in hot pursuit
 of a Chevy Camaro going east on I-20 toward Georgia.
When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.

The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, "Hey Sarge, why did you stop?"

The Sarge replied, "You stupid rookie! That guy's in Georgia now.
 They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him." 


A-PEARL-LING BEHAVIOUR

After she woke up, a woman told her husband,
 "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day.
 What do you think it means?" 
"You'll know tonight." he said. 
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
 Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled
"The Meaning of Dreams"


LIKE A HORSE AND CARRIAGE

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.
 Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him,
 "Why is it you limit your employees to married men?
Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied.
 "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed
 to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."

 
 
 
"That feels pretty good"
Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them
slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men
collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She  runs to him
apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist
and can help ease his pain.

"No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he
replies quietly with his hands still between his legs. Taking it upon
herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pant
and starts massaging his genitals.

"Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.

"Well... yes... That feels pretty good," he admits. "But my thumb
still hurts like hell."

 
 
 
Why are turds tapered at the end?
So your asshole doesn't slam shut!
 
 
A man with one glove should buy
second-hand clothing.
 
 
 

Q: How can you tell if you're at a
       bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.

 
 
 


A PUSH IS A PUSH


A farmer and his wife were in bed one night when there was a knock on the door.

 The farmer got out of bed and answered the door.

There was a drunk cowboy standing at the door and the farmer bluntly says, "What do you want?"

The cowboy replies, "I want a push. Can you help me?"

"No, and go away!" says the farmer as he slammed the door.

He climbed back into bed and his wife asked, "Who was at the door?"

"Oh just some drunk who wanted a push."  said the farmer.

"Well did you help him?" said the wife

"Nope." says farmer

"Darling, don't you remember about 20 years ago when our old

truck broke down in the middle of nowhere on the side of a road?

 Every car went past us and you were so angry until a good

Samaritan came along and towed us back to town." says the wife.

"I guess your right dear." says the farmer

So he climbed out of bed and went outside and yelled, "Are you still there?"

"Yep." says the drunken cowboy.

"Where are you then? Come on I don't have all night." says the farmer.

"I'm over here." says cowboy

"Where?" asked the farmer.

"On the swing." answered the cowboy.

 

 

 
 

 

Bill Gates' Eternity

 

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, "Welcome Mr.

Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all

eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your

life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous

and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor

souls are tormented and tortured.

He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of

people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a

beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting

at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To

Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation,

Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.

Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all?"

"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a

hole in it and the girl hasn't."

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys."

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

 

 

 

 

A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release.

He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute.

He was told to go to 365 East West Street.

By mistake, however, he went to 365 West East Street, the office of a podiatrist.

 Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised, but intrigued him.

 She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover, and that someone would be with him soon.

The man loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair,

 and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered.

Finally, the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead,

entered the room and found the man sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand.

"My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot."

"Well," replied the man, "if you're going to complain about a couple of inches,

 then I'll take my business elsewhere!"