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/\ _`\ /\ \/\ \/\ _`\ /\ _`\ /\ \ /\ _`\
\ \ \L\ \ \ \_\ \ \ \L\ \ __\ \ \/\ \\ \/ \ \,\L\_\
\ \ ,__/\ \ _ \ \ , / /'__`\ \ \ \ \\/ \/_\__ \
\ \ \/ \ \ \ \ \ \ \\ \ /\ __/\ \ \_\ \ /\ \L\ \
\ \_\ \ \_\ \_\ \_\ \_\ \____\\ \____/ \ `\____\
\/_/ \/_/\/_/\/_/\/ /\/____/ \/___/ \/_____/
____ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ ______ ____
/\ _`\ /\ \/\ \/\ \/\ \/\ \/\ \/\ \/\ \/\__ _\ /\ _`\
\ \ \L\ \ \ \_\ \ \ \ \ \ \ `\\ \ \ `\\ \/_/\ \/ __\ \,\L\_\
\ \ ,__/\ \ _ \ \ \ \ \ \ , ` \ \ , ` \ \ \ \ /'__`\/_\__ \
\ \ \/ \ \ \ \ \ \ \_\ \ \ \`\ \ \ \`\ \ \_\ \__/\ __/ /\ \L\ \
\ \_\ \ \_\ \_\ \_____\ \_\ \_\ \_\ \_\/\_____\ \____\\ `\____\
\/_/ \/_/\/_/\/_____/\/_/\/_/\/_/\/_/\/_____/\/____/ \/_____/
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#1 College Humor
Contents:
- 50 things to do in your computer lab
- Solutions for boring lectures
- The College Food Chain
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50 WAYS TO CONFUSE, WORRY, OR JUST SCARE THE
BEJEEZUS OUT OF PEOPLE IN THE COMPUTER LAB
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream
"Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look
suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that
you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait
5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you
evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different
screen than the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the
highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something
on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret
Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say
"Just in case..." mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at
everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as
if they're crazy while typing.
14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone
agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray
"Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps
if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by
hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion
Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your
monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain
loudly that women (men) are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it
doesn't work, get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the
smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done
(two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing
this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to
grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person
enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more
effective to let them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut
them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your
desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place
them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them
around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of
cotton on plastic.
30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like
this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working
conditions.
31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and
continue working.
32. Bring som dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B
key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly.
Write an entire pape this way.
34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind
if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the
old ways are best.
38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again
until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit
the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at
your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times,
erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask:
"Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume
hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until
you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then,
suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the
space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!"
Print out your document and leave.
40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and
complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects,
put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that
the computer is drooling.)
41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled,
burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing,
grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making
elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse,
then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the
table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked
this time," and calmly start to type again.
43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them
like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they geta chance to
figure out you're a total stranger.
45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects.
Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead
doesn't work.
47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers
in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily,
exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this
after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard.
Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then
calmly sit down and begin to type.
49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw,
rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say,
"Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the
next week".
50. Two words: Teslra Coil.
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========================< H U M O U R N E T >=======================
SUBJ: How to Perk Up a Boring Lecture
By Rocky Kassos
1. Bring a blowhorn. Use it when you ask or answer a question.
2. Hire a video crew to come to the class. If asked about it, say
that you have to tape the lecture for a friend.
3. Bring a water gun. Shoot the professor when his back is turned.
4. Get the other students in your row to do the wave.
5. Bring a small chalkboard to class. Ask the professor if you can
borrow his chalk to take notes.
6. Contradict everything the professor says. Offer irrefutable
scientific proof.
7. When the professor asks a question, raise your hand. If the
professor calls on you, point to someone in the next row and say "He
knows." Pick a different person each time.
8. Bring a typewriter. Use it to take notes.
9. Write a love note. Sign it "a secret admirer." Get someone to
pass it to the professor.
10. Get up to go to the bathroom five or six times during the
class. Change clothes every time.
11. Buy a watermelon. Give it to the professor. If he asks,
say "They were out of apples."
12. Bring a small tape player. Play a tape of the previous
lecture. Take notes on both.
13. Pretend to be asleep until five minutes before the end of
class. Then wake up and explain that you missed the lecture, and
ask the professor to summarize what he talked about.
14. Bring a fully-stocked picnic basket to class. Explain that you
didn't have time to eat breakfast.
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========================< H U M O U R N E T >=======================
SUBJ: The College Food Chain
THE DEAN
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God
THE DEPARTMENT HEAD
Leaps short buildings with a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Talks with God
PROFESSOR
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if a special request is honored
ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR
Barely clears a Quonset hut
Loses tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God
ASSISTANT PROFESSOR
Makes high marks on walls when trying to leap tall buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Treads water
Talks to animals
INSTRUCTOR
Climbs walls continually
Rides the rails
Plays Russian Roulette
Walks on thin ice
Prays a lot
GRADUATE STUDENT
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls
UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
Says "Look at the choo-choo!"
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself
DEPARTMENT SECRETARY
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
She IS God.
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