______ _ _ ______ _____ _ _
(_____ \| | | (_____ \ (____ \( ) |
_____) ) |__ | |_____) ) ____ _ \ \/ \ \
| ____/| __)| (_____ ( / _ ) | | | \ \
| | | | | | | ( (/ /| |__/ /____) )
|_| |_| |_| |_|\____)_____(______/
______ _ _ _ _ ______ ______ _____ _
(_____ \| | | | | | | ___ \| ___ \(_____) | |
_____) ) |__ | | | | | | | | | | | _ ____ \ \
| ____/| __)| | | | | | | | | | | | | / _ ) \ \
| | | | | | |___| | | | | | | |_| |( (/ / _____) )
|_| |_| |_|\______|_| |_|_| |_(_____)____|______/
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
#10 Play on words
Contents:
- Frogs
- Mice
- Friars
- Lifesavers
- Ole
- Technical Support
******************************************************************************
It seems there were two frogs sitting on a lilly pad, when all
of a sudden, a fly came along. One frog put out his tongue, ate the
fly, and started laughing hysterically. Soon the other frog joined
in the laughter.
Later in the day, the other frog ate a fly and the two frogs
burst out in laughter. As time went on, the frogs enjoyed the flies so
much that the sight of a fly would cause them to double up with pleasure.
But of course, the most pleasure came when the fly was actually eaten.
A third frog hopped up to the first two and asked what
was so funny. The first frog answered "Time." "Huh?" asked the third
frog.
The second frog exlained: "Time's fun when your having flies."
*****************************************************************************
Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to
operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls
should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer
of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method.
Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are
not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in
sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may
be used immediately.
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for
maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing
his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
******************************************************************************
Three friars were banished from their monastary for various rule
violations, so they decided to start a business together. They
travelled around until they found a town that they liked, and opened
up a plant shop. Their floral business was soon thriving.
One day, a woman was shopping at the friar's store, and while she
was strolling down an aisle with her toddler, a large plant reached
out, grabbed the child, and ate it. Needless to say, the women was
quite upset at the loss of her child. However, the friars refused to
believe that one of their plants could have done such a thing. The
woman told all of her friends about the incident, and soon everyone
in the town was in an uproar. They decided to kick the friars out of
town. Every person in the town, except for a man named Hugh, gathered
outside of the friars shop, shouting, waving sticks, and demanding
that they leave. But the friars said "No. We're not leaving". So the
townspeople gave up and went home.
Well, a couple weeks later, another woman was walking through the
friar's shop, looking at plants with her baby, when a plant grabbed
her child and ate it. She ran through the streets screaming that a
plant had swallowed her baby. The townspeople were outraged, and
again gathered outside the floral shop (except for Hugh), waving
torches, and demanding that the friars leave town at once. But the
friars said,"No way." and all the people gave up and went home.
A few days later, yet another woman dared to take her child into the
floral shop. She held her infant tightly in her arms, but it was no
use. A large ficus wrestled the child from her arms, and ate it.
When the townspeople heard of this, they were extremely upset. They
again gathered outside the friar's store (except for Hugh), yelling
and threatening bodily harm to the friars if they didn't leave town.
But the friars said,"We're staying". So, the citizens gave up and
began to go home. Just then, Hugh showed up. He walked up to the
friars, and said, "Get out of town, now!". The friars immediately
packed up all their belongings and fled that very day, never to be
heard from again.
The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
******************************************************************************
A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, trying to
broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed,
they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic
herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a variety of
lifesavers, more flavors than you could imagine.
"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the
teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries,
lemons, and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers
in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy
probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted,
"Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"
******************************************************************************
Ole died in a fire and was burned pretty bad and the morgue needed someone
to I.D. the body so his two friends Swen and Lars went down to try and I.D.
the body. Swen went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet and Swen said
"Yaa he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over
and Swen looked at his ass and said "no dat ain't Ole."
The morticain didn't say any thing but thought that was kind of strange.
Then he brought in Lars to I.D. the body and Lars looked at him and said "Yaa
he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Lars looked down at his ass and said "NO
dat ain't Ole."
The mortician said "How can you tell?" Lars said "Well Ole had two
assholes." "What? he had two assholes?" said the mortician. "Yaa, everyone in
town knew he had two assholes. Every time the three of us went to town everyone
would say "Here comes Ole with them two assholes!"
******************************************************************************
*ring* *ring*
"Hello! Technical Support, how can I help you?"
"Well, I was sorta hoping someone could walk me through taking a leak"
"Okay... well, do you have to go now?"
"Yes, I do"
"Okay... well, are you on male or female equipment?"
"MALE-CLONE..."
"Okay, the first thing we want to do is find your fly.."
"My what?"
"Your fly... it opens your pants. It should be in the front of you. Look
down"
"I see shoes"
"No, sir... look sorta in the front of you... like just below your stomach.
You should see some metal on your pants. That's your fly.."
"The round thing?"
"Well, that's your button... let's open that, too, while we're down there.
The fly looks like a lot of little metal things sideways"
"Oh, okay.. got it. Okay, it's open.."
"Okay, sir... can you grab your willy?"
"No."
"Do you see your willy?"
"No."
"Okay... what do you see?"
"I see white... just white and some lines.."
"Do you have underwear installed?"
"No."
"Sir, if you can't see your willy, and you see only white... I think that
you may have underwear installed. We are going to have to uninstall your
underwear to take a leak...."
"Well, my friend was the last one to use my fly... he might have installed
underwear..."
"Okay, sir... well grab the white part and pull down... keep pulling until
you see your willy.."
"It's stuck... it won't go down..."
"The white part? Or your willy?"
"My willy..."
"DON"T pull down on your willy, sir... just the underwear... we only want to
get to the point where we can see it...."
"Oh... okay, we're there...."
"Okay... now look around the room... do you see anything made of porcelain?"
"I see a little penguin on a shelf ..."
"Okay, sir...you're in the living room.... go to the bathroom. We can't take
a leak until we are in the bathroom. The bathroom will have a lot of tile,
maybe some carpeting... yours might have mirrors or some soap in it. Some
people have showers in their bathrooms..."
"Well, I'm downstairs... I think the bathroom is upstairs..."
"Okay, well... let's go upstairs..."
"I can't walk..."
"Okay, sir... temporarily reinstall your underwear... then go upstairs..then
uninstall your underwear again..."
"That was the white part, right?"
"Yes, sir... that's correct..."
"Okay, I'm upstairs..."
"Okay... now do you see any porcelain bowl-type things?"
"Well, there's two..."
"How tall are you sir?"
"5'4" .."
"Okay... go to the one where it's lower than your willy...."
"Okay....I'm there"
"Okay... now make sure that you are pointing toward the porcelain bowl..now
just go.... "
"What do you mean?"
"Well, when it pops up... just hit "okay"....."
******************************************************************************