___ _ _ ___ ___ _ ___
( _`\ ( ) ( )| _`\ ( _`\ ( )( _`\
| |_) )| |_| || (_) ) __ | | ) ||/ | (_(_)
| ,__/'| _ || , / /'__`\| | | ) `\__ \
| | | | | || |\ \ ( ___/| |_) | ( )_) |
(_) (_) (_)(_) (_)`\____)(____/' `\____)
___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ___
( _`\ ( ) ( )( ) ( )( ) ( )( ) ( )(_) ( _`\
| |_) )| |_| || | | || `\| || `\| || | __ | (_(_)
| ,__/'| _ || | | || , ` || , ` || | /'__`\`\__ \
| | | | | || (_) || |`\ || |`\ || |( ___/( )_) |
(_) (_) (_)(_____)(_) (_)(_) (_)(_)`\____)`\____)
(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)
#12 The "F" word
Contents:
- The Night Before Finals
- The Last Resort
- Yesterday
- Course evalutations
- Things to Make Finals Fun
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The Night Before Finals
=========================
Twas the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
Danced in their heads.
Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
Would loosen up their thinking.
In my own room,
I had been pacing,
And dreading exams
I soon would be facing.
My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his books,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.
I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.
I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were muddy,
My eyes went ablur,
I just couldn't study.
"Some pizza might help,"
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.
I'd nearly concluded
That life was too cruel,
With futures depending
On grades made school.
When all of a sudden,
Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put It Off
Ambled inside.
His spirit was careless,
His manner was mellow,
All of a sudden,
He started to bellow.
"On Cliff notes, on Crib notes
On Last Year Exams.
On Wingit and Slingit
And Last Minute Crams."
His message delivered
He vanished from sight.
But we heard him laughing
Outside in the night.
Your teachers have pegged you
So just do your best.
Happy Finals to All
And to all a Good Test.
**********************************************************************
(Supposedly) True story (from Dartmouth):
=========================================
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances
down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to
him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I
mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...*anything*."
He returns her gaze. "Anything ?"
"*Anything*."
His voice softens. "*Anything* ?"
"*Anything*."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... *study* ?"
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To the tune of "Yesterday"
- by Paul McCartney -
============================
Yesterday,
all my finals seemed so far away,
Then I realized they start today.
Oh, how I long for yesterday.
Suddenly,
I no longer have the grade of "B".
Now it's looking closer to a "C".
Oh, finals came so suddenly.
I can
cram, although I can blow
it off today.
Come to-
morrow morn, I'll get on
my knees and pray...
Yesterday,
This was such an easy tune to play.
Now my chops are all but gone away,
My jury's a half-hour away.
What I
have to show
I don't know,
the prof won't say.
I'll spell
something wrong, or I'll bomb..
... there goes my "A"...
Yesterday.
Thought of graduating come this May.
Now it looks as though I'm here to stay,
Oh, how I long for Yesterday.
**********************************************************************
Since course evaluation time is near, here are some example comments
you might consider using. Feel free to use them anywhere.
They were collected over several years at MIT.
"This class was a religious experience for me...
I had to take it all on faith."
"Text makes a satisfying 'thud' when dropped on the floor."
"The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."
"Her blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame."
"Textbook is confusing...
Someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it."
"Have you ever fell asleep in class and awoke in another?
That's the way I felt all term."
"In class I learn I can fudge answers and get away with it."
"Keep lecturer or tenure board will be shot."
"The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant.
Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand her."
"Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."
"In class the syllabus is more important than you are."
"I am convinced that you can learn by osmosis by just sitting in her
class."
"Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"
"Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam
material."
"Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was,
where I was, and what I was doing -- it's a great stress reliever."
"She is one of the best teachers I have had... She is
well-organized,
presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I
hope my comments don't hurt her chances of getting tenure."
"I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels.
They've got a cool nest in the tree."
"She teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."
"This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and
Thursdays."
"Most of us spent the 1st 3 weeks terrified of the class.
Then solidarity kicked in."
"Bogus number crunching. My HP is exhausted."
"The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon."
"TA steadily improved throughout the course...
I think she started drinking and it really loosened her up."
"Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose --
spraying in all directions -- no way to stop it."
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Fifty Fun Things To Do During A Final That You Know You
Are Going To Fail! (no matter what)
=====================================
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last
15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking"
and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes
early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre,
Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form.
If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and
symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at
the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions
aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If
asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me
thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the
instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes
into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't
understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all
semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you?
Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with
the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new,
interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For
example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds
that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically.
Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say
"They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run
off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all
the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the
air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really
daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost
the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent
markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a
towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome
during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you
don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try
using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's
not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat
it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are
going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try
to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive.
Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits
if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your
things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it.
As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and
true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out
interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all
questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your
papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk
out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e.
Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's
done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means
at some point during the exam, you should start crying
for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the
instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory
tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I
get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that
day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about
30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm
here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about,
where you know the class is very small, and the
instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim
that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right
to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while
laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste
my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to
Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to
stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or
another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the
River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the
longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and
imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written
exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete
with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the
entire way through the exam. Insist this person is
needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure
this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus
exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting
kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the
comment "Please use the attached notes for references as
you see fit."
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over,
point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it
out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them
around like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the
room.
45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it
right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small
sacrifice.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons,
telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes
throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you.
Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being
backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various
tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think."
Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you,
challenging the instructor to find the section on musical
instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase
"Told you so".
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why
Professor xxxx Sucks"
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