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#14 More Play on Words
Contents:
- The Symphony
- The Monistary
- Darth Vader
- Cauliflower
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F U N N Y B O N E
A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing
Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims...
At this point, you must understand two things:
(1) There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass
violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page
after page.
(2) There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400 right across the
street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local
musicians.
It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass
players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they
were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage
rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for
twenty minutes.
Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot
across the street and quaff a few brews. After they had downed
the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back?
It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."
Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the
first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little
more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the
conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to
have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one
hand and fumbles with the string with the other."
So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera
House, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on
stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in
serious trouble.
Katims was furious! And why not? After all...
It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the
basses were loaded.
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In a monistary in Wyoming, everyday before breakfst the Superior would
chant "Good Morning, Good Morning" and the Brothers would all chant
back "Good Morning, Good Morning." There was only one problem with this
morning chant, one brother thought it was the stupidest thing in the world.
He really hated it.
One moring he decided that he would get them all back and hopefully stop this
stupidity. That morning he went to breakfast ant the Superior came in and
chanted "Good Morning, Good Morning" and all the Brothers except the one
chanted, "Good Morning, ..." At this the one Brother chanted as loud as
he could, "Good Evening."
Upon hearing this the Superior stoo up and chanted "Someone chanted evening!"
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Luke skywalker and Darth Vader are having a fight with their light sabers, half
way through Darth Vader says "I know what your getting for Christmas" Luke
says "don't be silly" and they keep on fighting. After a while Darth Vader
says "I know what your getting for Christmas". Luke Skywalker says "You can't
possible know" and they keep on fighting. After a while Darth
Vader says "I know what your getting for Christmas". Luke says "How do you
know" Darth Vader says "I can feel your presence".
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There was once an old, retired couple who, in the autumn of their
years enjoyed a simple life. Mr and Mrs Green were very happy in
their country cottage, George's passion was his vegetable patch while
Martha's was to cook what her beloved husband grew. A perfect
situation.
Now George was especially proud of his cauliflowers. For many years
he had cultivated and perfected a secret mulch which, when spread
around his carefully tilled cauliflower patch, produced the largest,
firmest and most tasty cauliflowers in the region. They always had
the tightest, crisp, white florets and the greenest leaves.
George's usual plan was to take his cauliflowers to the regional show
where they won every cauliflower prize. Then he would bring them home
and Martha would cook them. Unsurprisingly, Martha had perfected her
cauliflower cheese to match her husbands gardening expertise. She
used the freshest ingredients and cheese which she made herself to a
recipe that was *her* little secret. Together, they made an
immaculate dish, each component perfectly complementing the others,
truly it was food fit for the gods. Indeed, their neighbours would
never refuse a dinner invitation if George had recently been to a
show.
One year in particular, though George didn't know why, his
cauliflowers were growing to a stupendous size. Usually they were
large, but this year they were huge! George and Martha looked eagerly
forward to the day when they would be eaten. Surely they would be the
best tasting cauliflowers ever, and their size would keep them in
cauliflower cheese for a long, long time.
When they finally ripened to perfection, George picked the massive
vegetables and as usual he took them to the show. The judges were
amazed! Never had they seen cauliflowers so large and yet so firm and
appetising! George won every prize there was! Beaming with pride he
returned home to the bosom of his loving wife.
As it was quite late Martha decided to put off her culinary efforts
until the next day. She did however, prepare all the other things she
would need, this would be a mammoth task! Martha woke early, such was
her excitement, and began preparing her cauliflower cheese. Boiling
up a small portion of George's vegetable fare until it was just right,
not too crisp, not overcooked, the aroma in her small but tidy
kitchen was wonderful. While the cauliflower cooked Martha prepared
her special sauce.
George had risen by then, and though they were both salivating with
desire, they decided to wait until supper time to sample their joint
creation, reasoning that the wait would make the triumph all the
sweeter. George took himself to the garden, Martha cleaned the
kitchen, all day both could think of nothing else.
When supper-time finally arrived Martha had produced a wonderful
meal. Boiled new potatoes in a light butter sauce, carrots and peas
fresh from the garden, a roast leg of lamb with mint sauce and of
course, the *piece de resistance* the cauliflower cheese. George
opened an old bottle of wine he had been saving, a good vintage year,
Martha lit candles to enhance the mood and they sat down to dine.
With a smile George proffered a forkful of cauliflower cheese to
Martha, she reciprocated with a blush. As they remembered their
honeymoon, they bit down upon each others forks taking in the
wonderful aroma.
DISASTER!!!!
The cauliflower was horrible!!!! Even Martha's expertly prepared
sauce did nothing to disguise the vileness of the vegetable!! It was
so incrediblely revolting that both George and his wife could not
even swallow the one mouthful they had been so tenderly offered.
Using napkins, with as much grace as the situation allowed, they spat
out the disgusting food and rinsed their mouths with wine.
George was devastated, this was supposed to have been so special, and
it was inedible. He was moved to tears. Martha tried to comfort him
but he was inconsolable, sobbing gently he gazed at Martha.
'Look' he said 'not only can we not eat this, it leaves ridiculous
red stains'
Martha looked in the mirror and sure enough, her lips were a deep
scarlet, a lovely colour spoiled only by its source.
'Never mind' Martha said, going to kiss George 'I'm sure we can think
of something'
'I doubt it' George replied 'it even makes your breath smell bad'
George was not usually this tactless, but his grief was such that he
didn't really care. Martha herself had noticed the putrid smell on
the breath of her husband, but had restrained herself from comment.
'What are we going to do?' asked George. 'We have so many
cauliflowers and they're all so large. We can't just throw them away!'
Now, Martha who was the more thoughtful of the pair, had been been
musing and had come up with an idea.
'What about lipstick?'
'What?'
'Well given the nice colour, couldn't we some how make a lipstick and
sell it? Then it wouldn't be such a waste we might even make enough
money to take a little holiday.'
'And it would be a new and environmentally friendly process' she
added, always concerned about these things.
'Perhaps, perhaps...' said George
So they set about their new project, in Martha's typically organised
way. They kitchen became a research laboratory as man and wife
laboured night and day. They tried many ways to reduce the
cauliflower to its staining components, and many oils and waxes in
which to fix it as a base. Many weeks of intensive research and
development followed. Countless failures passed them by until finally
they had produced the basic lipstick component.
'Unfortunately, its a little bit crumbly' said Martha
'Yes, and it still smells a bit' said George 'maybe we ought to put a
warning on the packaging. I'm sure if its used carefully it'll be OK.'
'Good idea' Martha said 'what shall we write?'
George thought for a while, considering all the problems they had
had, all the joy and pain they had gone through to make their new
product.
'I've got it' he said 'we'll write......
..SUPER-CAULI FRAGILE LIPSTICK, EXPECT HALITOSIS!
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