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| | | | | || |\ \ ( ___/| |_) | ( )_) |
(_) (_) (_)(_) (_)`\____)(____/' `\____)
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| | | | | || (_) || |`\ || |`\ || |( ___/( )_) |
(_) (_) (_)(_____)(_) (_)(_) (_)(_)`\____)`\____)
()()()()()()()()()()()()()()())()()()()()()()()()()()
# 17 Another Misc.
Contents
- TV better than the Web
- Lil Pigs
- Cows
- The Hole
- Guy Test
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TOP TEN REASONS WHY TV IS BETTER THAN THE WORLD-WIDE WEB
10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV
channels.
9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a
"Not Found 404" message?
8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV -- even on MTV.
7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under
Construction" sign.
4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.
2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
...and the number 1 reason TV is better than the Web:
1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and
Doritos in the other.
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A pig walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a rum & coke.
He drinks it and then asks the bartender if he could use the toilet.
The bartender says "Sure" and directs him to the back.
Another pig walks into the bar and also asks for a rum and coke. The
bartender gives it to him, the pig drinks it down and also says "Can I
use
the toilet?" Again, the bartender says 'Sure" and directs him to the
back.
And now a third little pig walks into the bar. He also asks the
bartender
for a rum and coke and drinks it down. The bartender, says to him
"I suppose now you want to use the bathroom?" to which the pig replies
"Oh no, I'm the little piggie that goes wee, wee, wee all the way home"
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The science reporter had been waiting for his entire career to be
able to write the headline; finally NASA obliged. They send a bunch
of cows into space aboard the payload bay of the shuttle, and the
next day the newspaper told all about, "The Herd Shot Round the
World."
*****************************************************************************
Two men were hunting in the woods. They came across a large, deep, and dark
hole in the ground. They both wondered how deep the hole was so they dropped
a stone in and listened. They heard no sound; so they dropped a large boulder
in and listened. Still no sound. Finally they found an old railroad tie
nearby and dragged it over to the edge and pushed it in.
As they listened a goat came running between them as fast a he could run and
jumped into the hole and disappeared from sight. The hunters both looked at
each other in wonderment.
A few minutes passed when a farmer happened along and asked the men if they
had seen a goat come by. The hunters told the farmer that they had seen a
goat and it dove into this deep hole. The farmer said: "...well that couldn't
have been my goat because my goat was tied to a railroad tie."
*****************************************************************************
This next bit comes from author Dave Barry. This is from one of his
books, so if you like this, go out and buy all his books in the humo(u)r
section of most bookstores. I'm not sure if he is truly witty or just
insane, but either way, he's a very funny guy...
ARE YOU A GUY???
1) Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth,
and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and
permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the
entire Earth. You decide to:
a. Present it to the president of the United States
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations
c. Take it apart
2) As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life
do you miss the most?
a. Innocence
b. Idealism
c. Cherry bombs
3) When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection wihtout regard
for narrow-minded social conventions
b. When he is the pope (Not on the lips)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this
is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for
business reasons, you have ot have him killed
4) What about hugging another male?
a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneauver (And even in this
case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food
trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home
run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that (1) he is
legally within the basepath, (2) both of you are wearing protective
cups, and (3) you also pound him fraternally with your fist hard
enough to cause fractures
5) Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to......
a. remember the deceases and console his loved ones
b. reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life
c. tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer
6) In your opinion, the ideal pet is
a. A cat
b. A dog
c. A dog that eats cats
7) You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and
intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday
afternoon the two of you are taking it easy - you're watching a football
game; she's reading the papers - when she suddenly, out of the clear blue
sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer
bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She
says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you
believe that you have some kind of future together, What do you say?
a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but
you don't want to rush it
b. That although you also have stong feelings for her, you cannot
honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third
and seventeen
8) Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you
want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys
and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the
adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come
what may. How do you tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name,
and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and
the stars in her eyes, you tell her
c. Tell her what?
9) One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you
to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
a. "Do they need to eat anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"
10) When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
a When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new
holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally
intended for your legs
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and
has to be handled with tweezers
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks
the garbage regularly in case somebody - and we are not naming names,
but this would be his wife - is quietly trying to discard his underwear,
which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more
intimate relationship with it than with her
11) What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for
the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for
forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
finally got there
c. He refused to ask directions
12) What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
a. Deomcracy
b. Relgion
c. Remote Control
How to score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked
answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In
fact, a real guy would score at leasst 15, because he would get
the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy
who has Alzheimer's disease AND cancer.
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