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$%$%$%$$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$

#2 Startrek & Windoze 

Contents: 
- Will Windows 95 Live Long and Phospher? from LOTD
- The battle with the Borg

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*File Description: Will Windows 95 Live Long and Phospher?*


    WILL WINDOWS 95 LIVE LONG AND PHOSPHOR?

   "Sulu, set path to the floppy drive.  Scotty, fit the
    hard drive with the MicroSoft Windows 95 engine.  Chekov,
    prepare the install disks, we're about to begin a sequel."

   "Captain, Windows 95 doesn't do SQL."

   "Right.  Then let's see how she performs at task
    speed.  Scotty?"

   "Captain, are you surrrrre you want to rrrreplace
    the system?  If ye put Windows code into a true 32-bit
    multitasking environment, we'll risk a matter-antimatter
    explosion!"

   "Scotty, that's an order."

   "Aye Captain, but she's just not ready.  She needs a
    proper beta shakedown."

   "That's what we're doing, Scotty.  Chekov, how are
    those install disks coming?"

   "We're on disk 5, sir."

   "Good.  Spock?"

   "Fascinating, Captain.  It appears as if Windows 95 is scanning
    our hardware and mutating to adapt."

   "Then Spock, can you tell me why it is saying it can't use
    the Microsoft sound card, which works fine as configured under
    Windows 3.1?"

   "Unknown, Captain."

   "Will it use a ProAudio Spectrum?"

   "Unknown, Captain."

   "How about a Sound Blaster?"

   "Unknown, Captain."

   "What good are you, anyway?"

   "Box-office attraction, Captain."

   "Bones?"

   "I'm a doctor - not a hardware technician."

   "Spock, cancel the Microsoft sound card and install the
    ProAudio Spectrum.  Chekov, finish the software installation.
    Sulu, reboot the system when it's ready and prepare to go
    to task speed on my signal."

   "Aye, aye, Captain."

   "Chekov?"

   "We've just entered the desktop zone, Captain."

   "Captain, she canna take it much more.  Another 15 sectors
    and the engines'll burn up fer surrrrre."

   "Scotty, we haven't even started yet."

   "Sorry, Captain, I just haven't had a line in so long..."

"Sulu, go to task 1.  Bring up the README.TXT in the notepad.

   "Aye, Captain."

   "Wait a minute.  Cancel that order.  Plot a shortcut to the
    README.TXT in the desktop zone.  We'll be navigating back
    there frequently."

   "Yes, Sir."

   "Spock?"

   "It seems as if we have a hardware conflict, sir.  The
    ProAudio Spectrum 16 isn't responding, either in sound
    or SCSI."

   "Disable the card, Spock."

   "I'm sorry, sir.  It won't disable the SCSI without stopping
    sound card first.  And it won't disable the sound card without
    disabling the SCSI first."

   "Captain, an enemy ship is approaching at 12 o'clock."

   "[Looks at watch.]  Good, that gives us a little more time to
    debug these systems."

   "No, sir.  The ship is already upon us."

   "Uhura?"

   "Scanning all frequencies, sir.  I'm trying to get an image,
    sir, but the system is awfully slow."

   "Scotty, what's happening down there?"

   "The engine is running smoothly, Captain, but the 16-bit GDI
    can only process one console request at a time."

   "See what you can do, Scotty.  Spock?"

   "It appears to be an IBM ship, Captain.  Equipped with a Warp
    drive."

   [Impressive sound of Warp engine coming up to speed.  OOhs
   and Ahhs as crew gazes in the direction of enemy ship.]

   "Put it on visual, Chekov."

   "Aye, Captain."

   [Louder OOhs and Ahhs.]

   "Spock, the enemy ship is approaching fast.  We need audio!"

   "I'm sorry, Captain.  The registry is not responding."

   "Bones?"

   "I'm a doctor, not a beta tester!"

   "Quick, Sulu, bring up the README.TXT file."

   "Captain - it's gone.  Some other task in the system must
    have moved or changed it."

   "Long-range scan, Chekov."

   "I found it, Captain.  Wait a minute.  This README.TXT file
    is for the game Land of Lore, with Patrick Stewart doing
    the voice of King Richard."

   "Patrick Stewart?"

   "You've never heard of Patrick Stewart?"

   "No."

   "Must be a generation gap."

   "Captain, she canna take it much more.  Another 15 sectors
    and the engines'll burn up fer surrrrre."

   "[Sigh.]  Maintain power, Mr. Scott.  Quick, Sulu, put us on
    red alert."

   "Captain, I can't figure out how to change the color of the
    desktop background!"

   "Bones?"

   "I'm a doctor, not the FORCE docs!!"

   "Never mind.  Find the screen saver.  Spock, prepare to fire
    HP LaserJet."

   "Captain, I've chosen the screen saver that says `Chicago is
    COOL' but now I'm getting no response at the helm."

   [BOOM as the enemy hits ship with photon torpedo, then large
   zapping sound, then either the ship moves back and forth,
   or people sway left and right, depending on perspective.
   Sparks fly from console, fires glare, indicating what would
   normally be irreparable damage, yet will be fixed in just
   minutes.]

   "Sulu, take evasive action;  otherwise, it's certain doom!"

   "Aye, Aye, Captain.  It certainly is Doom and I don't mind
    saying I'm getting awfully sick of this demo.  Doom is one
    of the most stable games on the market and it runs under
    OS/2 with no problems whatsoever."

   "We've got... to get... to the kernel.  Uhura... notify...
    the... kernel at Star Fleet."

   "Captain, I think either communications are breaking up, or
    you're dropping into melodramatic Shakespearean stammer mode
    again."

   "Spock?"

   "Fascinating, Captain.  It would seem that the needs of the
    few have out-weighed the needs of the many."

   "Scotty, get us out of here!"

   "Sorry, Captain, the engine is no longer responding!  We'll
    have to do a hard boot to rrrrecover."

   "Bones?"

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Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript.

 "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your 
attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have 
you been able to access their command pathways?"

"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching 
through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing 
technology."



 "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

 "Allow me to explain. We will send this 
program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg 
command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will 
begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

 "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they 
alter their processing systems to increase their storage 
capacity?"

 "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it 
creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use 
of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The 
Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of 
their processing ability will be taken over and none will be 
available for their normal operational functions."

 "Excellent work. This is even better than that 
'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

  "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' 
in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% 
of all resources.  We however have not received any confirmation 
of the expected 'upgrade'."

 "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg 
storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no 
indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

  "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if 
their is something we have missed."

  "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 
'upgrade'.  Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of 
the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

  "Captain we have no choice.  Requesting permission to 
begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

  "Wait, Captain; I just detected their CPU 
capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

  "Data, what does your scanners show?"

  "Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' 
module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

  "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can 
reduce their functionality."

. . .  Two Hours Pass  . . .

  "Geordi, what's the status on the Borg?"

  "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to 
compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time 
they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest 
deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules 
from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

 "How much time will that buy us ?"

  "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an 
interest time span of 6 more hours."

  "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

  "Identify."

  "It appears to have markings very similar to the 
'Microsoft' logo"

  "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE 
MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY.  WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF 
UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR.  SURREDER ALL ASSETS AND 
WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE.  YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

  "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and 
released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

  "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

  "Good God captain!  Those are humans floating straight 
toward the Borg ship with no life support suits !  How can they 
survive the tortures of deep space ?!"

  "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will 
look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying 
something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin 
leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"

  "Lawyers !!"

  "It can't be.  All the Lawyers were rounded up and 
sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

  "True, but appearently some must have survived."

  "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it 
with all types of papers."

  "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red 
tape' it often proves fatal."

  "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

  "Turn off the monitors.  I can't stand to watch, not 
even the Borg deserve that."
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