Old lady: Tell me, what is Mr. Einstein really like?
Dr. Hathaway: Dead.

Mrs. Taylor: Dr. Hathaway, I saw your show the other night on radioactive isotopes and I've got a question for you.
Dr. Hathaway: Yes?
Mrs. Taylor: Is that your real hair?

Man: And this is Mike Dodd.
Chris: Doctor Dodd.
Man: The one who just designed are brand new Telcom satellite.
Chris: Its an honor to meet you, sir. Telcom... isn't that the satellite thats raining debris all over Europe?
Dr. Dodd: Whay is that toy on your head?
Chris: Because, if I wear it anywhere else, it chafes. I'm sorry, its just that I didn't want you guys to think that I was stuffy. You know, no fun, all brain, no penis.
Man: Pardon me?
Chris: I'm sorry, its just an infantile response to authority.
Man: Yes, you are Chris Knight, arent you?
Chris: I hope so, I'm wearing his underwear.
Man: Its a joke! I get it! Buddy!
Chris: I just cant help it! You guys are such fun yourselves!
Man: We try to be, isn't that right Mike?
Dr. Dodd: No.

Chris: Would you be prepared if gravity reversed itself?
Mitch: I... well..
Chris: The only thing I can't figure out is how to keep the change in my pockets- I've got it: nudity.

Chris: You see Mitch, I used to be you and lately I've been missing me so I asked Hathaway if I could room with me again and he said sure.

Dr. Hathaway: Wheres Knight?
Kent: Oh he didn't bother to come in today.
Bodie: Uhh...
Dr. Hathaway: Yes Bodie?
Bodie: He said he didnt feel like it and I said you better and he said or what and I said or else youre going to be in trouble and he said jammin.
Dr.Hathaway: Thats a wonderful story, Bodie. I noticed you've stopped stuttering.
Bodie: I've been giving myself shock treatments.
Dr. Hathaway: Up the voltage.

Chris: Work work work work work. We never see the light of day. We plan this thing for months and all they wanna to is study. I'm disgusted, I'm sorry. But its not like me I'm depressed! We had what- no one at the mutant hamster races, one entry for the Madam Curie look-alike contest and he was disqualified later. Why do I bother?

Kent: Whats this supposed to be?
Chris: This is ice. This is what happens to water when it gets too cold. This- this is Kent. This is what happens to people when they get too sexually frustrated.
Kent: (to Mitch) This should keep you busy for a while. This plus your regular class load should turn your brains to tapioca in less than a month.
Chris: Oh Kent, that is so unfair! And we were going to make you King of the Winter Carnival.
Kent: Really?

Chris: You wanted to see me, your joggingness?
Dr. Hathaway: Mr Knight! Right on time, thats a little unusual these days. Still run?
Chris: Only when chased.
Dr. Hathaway: Whats that smell?
Chris: Must be the dog.
Dr. Hathaway: Thats popcorn.
Chris: Yes sir, I know.
Dr. Hathaway: Get it away from me, I can't stand popcorn, I hate popcorn.
Chris: Good, now I know what to get you for your birthday.

Dr. Hathaway: Look, I want to start seeing more of you in the lab.
Chris: Fine, I'll gain weight.

Mitch: Whatcha doin'?
Chris: Self realization. I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates who said, "I drank what?"

Buck: Hey! How ya doin?!
Miles: Who are you?!
Buck: I'm your Uncle Buck!
Miles: Do I have an uncle?
Tia: Unfortunately.
Miles: He's cookin' our garbage.

Miles: Where do you live?
Buck: In the city.
Miles: You have a house?
Buck: Apartment.
Miles: Own or rent?
Buck: Rent.
Miles: What do you do for a living?
Buck: Lots of things.
Miles: Where's your office?
Buck: I don't have one.
Miles: How come?
Buck: I don't need one.
Miles: Where's your wife?
Buck: Don't have one.
Miles: How come?
Buck: Its a long story.
Miles: You have kids?
Buck: No I don't.
Miles: How come?
Buck: Its an even longer story.
Miles: Are you my dad's brother?
Buck: Whats your record for consecutive questions asked?
Miles: 38.
Buck: I'm your dads brother all right.
Miles: You have much more hair in your nose than my dad.
Buck: How nice of you to notice.
Miles: I'm a kid, thats my job.

Buck: I don't think I want to know a kid who isn't a dreamer or a sillyheart. And I sure dont want to know one that takes their student career seriously. I don't have a college degree. I dont even have a job.
Teacher: Does anyone have a special story to tell the class that happened during this week? Maisy?
Maisy: My uncle was microwaving my socks and the dog puked on the couch for about and hour.
Teacher: Honest?
Maisy: Yes.
Teacher: Why was your uncle microwaving your socks?
Maisy: He cant get the goddamn washing machine to work.
Teacher: BLASPHEMER!!
Buck: But I know a good kid when I see one. Because they're all good kids until dried-out braindead scags like you drag them down and convince them they're no good. You so much as scowl at my niece or any other kid in this school and I hear about it, I'm comin' lookin' for you. Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat knaw that thing off your face. Good day to you madam.

Buck: Well, well, well. They certainly are scraping the bottom of the barrel for cheerleaders these days.
Tia: What are you doing here?
Buck: We were just driving by, going out for some ice cream. Thought you might like to join us.
Tia: I said I would be home by ten. Its not even nine.
Buck: Who said anything about that? I thought you just might want to join us for some ice cream. Maybe your Bug here can join us. We can talk about burying the hatchet. You do know what a hatchet is, don't you Bug?
Bug: Its an axe?
Buck: Sort of , yeah, yeah. I've got one in the car of you'd like to see it.
Bug: I'll pass.
Buck: Fair enough. I like to carry it. You never know when you're gonna need it. You know, a situation might come up, for example, someones been drinking and about to drive a loved one home. Then I like to know I have it. Not to kill, no. Just to maim. Take a little off the shoulder... Whiik! The elbow... shave a little meat off the knee cap... Whup! Oooh! You got both knee caps? I like to keep mine razor sharp, too. Sharp enough you can shave with it. Why, I've been known to circumcise a gnat. Youre not a gnat, are you Bug? Wait a minute. Bug. Gnat. Is there a little similarity there? Oooh, I think there is!

Mime: I'll tell you about love. Love... disappears baby! Every time I've been broke, babe has been off like a prom dress.
Girl: Maybe its the girls you choose.
Mime: Hey! Maybe I've been hurt. Maybe I've been dogged!
Steve: Does anybody know where this place is?
Mime: What do I look like, a Thoms Brothers guide?
Steve: You know you really shouldn't speak.
Mime: Yes! Where do you guys work?
Bailey: I'm a maitre 'd.
Mime: Wow.
Steve: Department of Transportation.
Bailey: He's working on the gridlock problem.
Mime: Thank God.
Guy: I build airplanes.
Mime: Woo wooo woo!

Adam/Felicia: singing A desert holiday, lets pack the drag away. You take the lunch and tea, I'll take the ecstacy. Fuck off you silly queer, I'm getting out of here. A desert holiday, hip hip hip hip hooray!

Adam/Felicia: Well, ever since Iwas a lad, I've had this dream, a dream that I now- finally- have a chance to fulfill.
Bernadette: And that is?
Adam/Felicia: To travel to the center of Australia, climb King's Canyon (as a queen) in a full-length Gautier sequin, heels and a tiara.
Bernadette: Great. Thats just what this country needs, a cock in a frock on a rock.

Adam/Felicia: How do you like your little boys, girls? You don't have to answer that if you don't want to.

Adam/Felicia: Oh for goodness sakes, get down off that crucifix, someone needs the wood!

Bernadette: I've said it before and I'll say it again, no more fucking ABBA!

Jake: Give us a bottle of your finest champagne, five shrimp cocktails and some bread for my brother.

Jake: I hate Illinois Nazis.

Elwood: We're on a mission from God.

Mystery Woman:You contemptible pig! I remained celibate for you. stood at the back of a cathedral waiting, in celibacy, for you with three hundred friends and relatives in attendance. My uncle hired the best Romanian caterers in the state. To obtain the seven limousines for the wedding party, my father used up his last favors with Mad Pete Trullo.So for me, for my mother, my grandmother, my father, my uncle, and the common good, I must now kill you. And your brother.
Jake:Oh, Please don't kill us! Please, please, don't kill us! You know I love you, baby. I wouldn't leave you. It wasn't my fault!
Mystery Woman:You miserable slug. You think you can talk your way out of this? You betrayed me!
Jake: No, I didn't. Honest. I ran out of gas! I had a flat tire! I didn't have enough money for cab fare! My tux didn't come back from the cleaners! An old friend came in from out of town! Someone stole my car! There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! IT WASN'T MY FAULT I SWEAR TO GOD!!!

Elwood:It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses.
Jake: Hit it!

Celeste: Why are you here?
Jeffrey: This is my apartment. I live here. Why are you here?
Celeste: I'll tell you why I'm here, oh I'll tell you why I'm here. I'm here because I...
Jeffrey: Go on, go on! Say it!
Celeste: I...
Jeffrey: Go on! Say it!
Celeste: I...
Jeffrey: I want you Jeffrey! I'm consumed with jealousy for my niece! I want you.
Celeste: Oh please.
Jeffrey: You still have feelings for me, admit it!
Celeste: My feelings are about you not for you theres a very big difference!
Jeffrey: No, you're ashamed of them but you still have the feelings! You realize what a terrible mistake it was throwing me out of your life a hundred and ten years ago!
Celeste: Look at you, you're exactly the same even for and actor! You're an egomaniac!
Jeffrey: Of course I'm an egomaniac! Ive got America's Sweetheart climbing up my drain pipe!

Kirbo: Its true love my friend.
Kevin: Love, love, you know what love is? Love is an illusion created by lawyer types like yourself to perpetuate another illusion called marriage to create the reality of divorce and then the illusionary need for divorce lawyers.
Billy: Just can't deal with the little Misses. Can I crash?
Kevin: You know there are more people on law school right now than there are lawyers on the entire planet? Think about that.
Kirbo: You are just pissed off and bitter because you have not had sex in how long, what is it, a year, maybe two? Refresh my memory please, Kevin. Haven1t you ever heard of the Sexual Revolution?
Kevin: Who won, huh? Nobody. Used to be sex was the only free thing. No longer. Alimony, palimony... Its all financial. Love is an illusion.
Kirbo: Its the only illusion that counts, my friend.
Kevin: Says who?
Kirbo: Anyone whos every been in love.
Kevin: Love sucks.
Kirbo: So does your attitude.
Kevin: Uh huh huh huh.

Jules: Do you know that you are the only guy at school who never made a pass at me?
Kevin: Well, if you noticed I never joined the army either.
Jules: Kev, you've got a problem. You're gay and youre madly in love with Alec.
Kevin: I see.
Jules: I mean, its OK. We all love Alec, hes our hero. But hes very very straight, and very taken. Kev, theres nothing to be ashamed of.
Kevin: Jules, there's the brink of insanity and then there is the abyss which obviously you have fallen in to.
Jules: Gay became very sheik in the 70s.
Kevin: No, I not ashamed, I am not gay, and I am not staying.

Nelson: Give me 30 seconds. Set the blanket up to warm, take me up to 93 degrees, slowly. Inject one cc of adrenaline and at one minute, Joe you come in with the defibs, and you bring me back to life.
Mannis: With brain damage. Resembling in many ways, a cabbage patch doll.
Nelson: not with a body temperature of 86 degrees. Dr. Mannis, will you handle the injections?

Nelson: Philosophy failed. Religion failed. Now its up the physical science. I think mankind deserves to know.
Joe: So youre doing this for mankind?
Nelson: This letter absolves you of any responsibility, just in case.
Steckle: This isn't for mankind, this is for Nelson. Why do I suddenly see you on 60 Minutes, sandwiched between Andy Rooney and a Subaru commercial? Tonight, a brilliant young medical student dares to experience death, and come back.
Nelson: Fame is inevitable
Mannis: Thats the wrong reason.
Nelson: Its the right idea. Dr. Hurley, electrons. C'mon Joe, dont you want to be on 60 Minutes?

David: Die to be a hero someday but dont die to be a celebrity.

Steckle: This could be the conquest of our generation. The last great frontier. Look, first we had the sea, then America, the west, the moon, Mr. Leary, drugs- the inner journey, Ms. McClaine and our illustrious former first lady- the outer journey. But this, this is ours!
David: Well, we did have disco.

Steckle: Halloween morning. Rotting pumpkins, burning leaves, black cats mating like rats in the alley. It was as.. it were as if we felt not fear. As if we were already dead, and had nothing to fear by dying. Or perhaps it was because we lived life so well and loved life so much that we imagined ourselves immortal. Overwhelming the powers that be with the force of our passion for science. Or maybe we were just fucked in the head.

Nelson: Well, I'm nice, he's nice, were both fuckin' lunatics. Can I come in please?