THE CLASSIC ROUTINES
Beaming Out | "I'm surrounded by..." | The Radar | "Now!" | The Dolls | The Airshield Combination
COMMANDERETTE: Shall I have Snotty beam you down? SKROOB: I don't about that beaming stuff. Is it safe? COMMANDERETTE: Oh yes, sir. Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful. SKROOB: All right, I'll take a shot at it. What the hell, it works on Star Trek. COMMANDERETTE: Snotty, beam him down. SNOTTY: Yes, sir. Immediately, sir. INT. CENTRAL CONTROL VOICE: Keen Beasties, what's happened to his head? COMMANDERETTE: It's on backwards. SKROOB: This is terrible. Do something. SNOTTY: I'm sorry, sir. There must have been a microconverter malfunction. SKROOB: Why didn't somebody tell me ass was so big!?! SNOTTY: Hold on, sir. We'll try and reverse the beam. Could be the interlocking system. SNOTTY: Lock 1, Lock 2, Lock 3, Lock load... INT. PRESIDENT SKROOB'S OFFICE COMMANDERETTE: Are you all right, Mr. President. SKROOB: Fine, fine, no thanks to you. COMMANDERETTE: We'll beam you back, sir. SKROOB: Forget it. Forget it. No more beaming. This time I'm gonna walk.
SPACEBALL 1 - BRIDGE HELMET: Careful, you idiot. I said across her nose, not up it. GUNNER: Sorry, sir. Doing my best. HELMET: Who made that man a gunner? MAJOR: I did, sir. He's my cousin. HELMET: Who is he? SANDURZ: He's an Asshole, sir. HELMET: I know that. What's his name? SANDURZ: That is his name, sir. Asshole, Major Asshole. HELMET: And his cousin? SANDURZ: He's an Asshole, too, sir. Gunner's-mate, 1st Class, Philip Asshole. HELMET: How many Assholes we got on this ship, anyhow? MAJORITY: Yo! HELMET: I knew it. I'm surrounded by Assholes. Keep firing, Assholes.
RADAR TECH: I'm having trouble with the radar, sir. HELMET: What's wrong with it? RADAR TECH: I've lost the bleeps, I've the lost the sweeps, and I've lost the creeps. HELMET: The what? SANDURZ: The what? HELMET: And the what? RADAR TECH: You know, The bleeps... the sweeps... and the creeps. HELMET: That's not he's lost. RADAR TECH: Sir. The radar, sir. It appears to be.... ...jammed! HELMET: Jammed? Raspberry. There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry. . . Lone Starr! BANG, CRASH
HELMET: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie? SANDURZ: Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now. HELMET: What happened to then? SANDURZ: We passed then? HELMET: When? SANDURZ: Just now. We're at now, now. HELMET: Go back to then. SANDURZ: When? HELMET: Now. SANDURZ: Now? HELMET: Now. SANDURZ: I can't. HELMET: Why? SANDURZ: We missed it. HELMET: When? SANDURZ: Just now. HELMET: When will then be now? SANDURZ: Soon. HELMET: How soon? CORPORAL: Sir. HELMET: What? CORPORAL: We've identified their location. HELMET: Where? CORPORAL: It's the Moon of Vega. SANDURZ: Good work. Set a course, and prepare for our arrival. HELMET: When? CORPORAL: Nineteen-hundred hours, sir. SANDURZ: By high-noon, tomorrow, they will be our prisoners. HELMET: WHO?!?
HELMET: So, Princess Vespa. At last, I have you in my clutches. To have my way with you. The way I want to. HELMET (VESPA): No. No, please, leave me alone. HELMET (HELMET): No you are mine. HELMET (LONE STARR): Not so fast, Helmet. HELMET (HELMET): Lone Starr. HELMET (LONE STARR): Yes, it's me. I'm here to save my girlfriend. Hi, honey. HELMET (HELMET): Now you are going to die. HELMET (LONE STARR): Oh, oh, ohhhh. HELMET (BARF): Hey, what did you do to my friend? HELMET (HELMET): The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy. HELMET (BARF): Oh, ohhh. HELMET (HELMET):And you too. HELMET (DOT): Oh, ohhhh. HELMET (HELMET): Now, Princess Vespa, at last we are alone. HELMET (VESPA): No, no, I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Leave me alone....yet, I find you strangely attractive. HELMET (HELMET): Of course you do. Drewish princesses are always attracted to money and power, and I have both, and you know it. HELMET (VESPA): No, leave me alone. HELMET (HELMET): No, kiss me. HELMET (VESPA): No, no, yes, no, no, yes, no, yes, ah, oh, oh, oh, ah, ohh, oh.... your helmet is so big. SANDURZ: Lord Helmet! HELMET: What? SANDURZ: You're needed on the bridge, sir. HELMET: Knock on my door. Knock next time! SANDURZ: Yes, sir. HELMET: Did you see anything? SANDURZ: No, sir. I didn't see you playing with your dolls again. HELMET: Good!
ROLAND: Helmet, you fiend, what's going on? What are you doing to my daughter? HELMET: (mask down) Permit me to introduce the brilliant, young plastic surgeon, Dr. Philip Schlotkins. The greatest nose-job man in the entire universe and Beverly-Hills. SCHLOTKINS: Your highness. ROLAND: Nose-job? I don't understand. She's already had a nose. It was a sweet- 16 present. HELMET: No, it's not what you think. It's much, much, worse. If you do not give me the combination to the air shield, Dr. Schlotkins will give your daughter back her old nose. VESPA: No!!!!!! Where did you get that? ROLAND: All right, I'll tell. I'll tell. VESPA: No, daddy, no. You mustn't. ROLAND: You're right my dear. I'll miss your new nose. But I will not tell them the combination no matter what. HELMET: Very well. Dr. Schlotkins, do your worst. SCHLOTKINS: My pleasure. ROLAND: No, wait, wait. I'll tell. I'll tell. HELMET: I knew it would work. HELMET: All right, give to me. ROLAND: The combination is... one. HELMET: One. SANDURZ: One. ROLAND: Two. HELMET: Two. SANDURZ: Two. ROLAND: Three. HELMET: Three. SANDURZ: Three ROLAND: Four. HELMET: Four. SANDURZ: Four. (writes) ROLAND: ...Five. HELMET: Five. SANDURZ: Five. (writes) HELMET: So the combination is one, two, three, four, five. That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life. That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage. SANDURZ: Thank you, your highness. HELMET: What'd you do? SANDURZ: I turned off the wall. HELMET: No you didn't. You turned off the whole movie. SANDURZ: Well I must have pressed the wrong button. HELMET: Well, turn it back on! Put the movie back on! SANDURZ: Yes, sir. Yes, sir. HELMET: We gotta get that thing fixed. We're back, and we have the combination. Schlotkins. SCHLOTKINS: What? HELMET: We're done with you. Go back to the golf course and work on your putz. SCHLOTKINS: Let's go Arnold. Come Gretchen. Of course, you know, I'll still have to bill you for this. HELMET: I bet she gives great helmet. SKROOB: Well, did it work? Where's the king? HELMET: It worked, sir. We have the combination. SKROOB: Great. Now we can take every last breath fresh air from planet Druidia. What's the combination? SANDURZ: One, two, three, four, five. SKROOB: One, two, three, four, five? SANDURZ: Yes. SKROOB: That's amazing. I've got the same combination on my luggage! Prepare Spaceball 1 for immediate departure. SANDURZ: Yes, sir. SKROOB: And change the combination on my luggage!
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