Announcer: Today, on the Nikki show, celebrities talk about secret crushes, cheating girlfriends, and even lie detector tests.
(Nikki Show theme song)
Audience: NIKKI! NIKKI!
(Nikki enters)
Nikki: Hello, hello, and welcome to my show! We have
a wonderful, surprising show for
you today. Our guests today are....well,you’ll just
have to wait to find out. Our first
guest is Britney Skank---I mean, Spears!
Audience cheers
Britney: Like, thank you!
Nikki: Britney is here today to reveal her secret
crush. Please tell us about your crush.
Britney: (sighs) Justin is, like, just the most
wonderful guy in the, like, whole world.
He’s just, like, oh my God. Those eyes, that body....
Nikki: Yes, I must agree that he is very sexy. But,
Britney, do you think he feels the
same way about you?
Britney: Oh, definetly. We slept together.
Nikki: Oooh, scandel! Now, Justin’s backstage and he
hasn’t heard anything that’s been
said. But he’s here to reveal his own secret crush.
Will it be you? Justin Timberlake,
come on out!
(Justin from ‘N Sync comes out on stage)
Audience: (Whistles and catcalls)
Nikki: Hello, Justin. Do you recognize this skank--I
mean, girl sitting to your right?
Justin: Uh, yea, that’s Britney. I know her from the
MMC.
Nikki: Well, Justin Britney has a secret she’d like
to reveal to you.
Justin: But wait, I have a secret!
Nikki: Wait a minute! You’ll get your turn.
Britney: Well, Justin, I just, like, wanted to, like,
tell you that you’re, like, the coolest. I
am, like, so in love with you and stuff.
Justin: What! But I can’t stand you!!
Britney: But Justin, I bought my breasts for you!
(Audience gasps)
Nikki: I never even knew they were fake. Ta ha.
Justin, don’t you have a secret to
reveal?
Justin: (still giving Britney a disgusted look) Um,
yes, Nikki, I do. I have a secret crush
I want to reveal.
Nikki: Well? Who do you have a crush on, Justin?
Justin: I have a crush on you, actually, Nikki.
Nikki: Hold on. Back the truck! This is not on my
cue cards. Not that I’m upset that
you have a crush on me, but are you for real?
Justin: Yes.
Nikki: Well then walk your fine self over here.
(Britney begans to ugly-cry)
Nikki: Britney, shut up.
(Justin and Nikki begin making out)
Five minutes later.....
Producer: (over loudspeaker) Excuse me, Nikki.
Nikki: Okay, and we’re back! (To Justin) You go sit
down, and I’ll be back at the next
break. Our next guest is Angela, who wants to
confront her best friend Melissa about
sleeping with her boyfriend JC, who is band-mates with
my new boyfriend, Justin. Angela,
come on out!
(Audience cheers. Angela sits on stage)
Nikki: Hello, Angela. Please, tell us what’s going
on with Melissa and JC.
Angela: Well, Nikki, three weeks ago I found a white
scrunchie in the backseat of his car,
covered with red hair. And, as you can tell, I’m a
brunette.
Nikki: Ooh! Scandel. Well, let’s bring out Melissa
and JC. Guys....
(Audience boos)
(Nikki begins making out with Justin again)
Angela: (jumps out of seat and lunges (think JC in
the “I Drive Myself Crazy” video)
at Melissa and JC Why would you want to sleep with
that hoebagger!
Melissa: Who are you callin’ a ‘hoebagger’, you
trifflin’ trick!!!
JC: Babies, babies, there’s plenty of me to go
around! Don’t fight!
Angela and Melissa: Shut up, you peckerhead!!!
Bodyguard: Break it up, break it up! (jerks Angela
and Melissa apart) (think Steve
from Jerry Springer)
Announcer: (over loudspeaker) Nikki, get a handle on
your guests.
(Nikki stops making out with Justin)
Nikki: And we’re back from our break!
Announcer: Nikki, that wasn’t a break.
Nikki: Huh? Well, we’re back from.....whatever that
was. Alright, what’s going on?
You all are fighting, right?
Angela: Yes, we are, Nikki!
Melissa: Oooh, I am so scared.
(reaches across JC to swing at Melissa)
Angela: Shut up, you hoebagger!!!
Nikki: Ladies, ladies. JC, who do you really wanna
be with? (doorbell) Oooh, scandel.
Who could that be, Melissa?
(AJ from the Backstreet Boys enters and Melissa looks panicked)
Nikki: This is AJ. Melissa’s other.....friend. AJ,
what exactly is your relationship with
Melissa? Ta ha.
AJ: Well, she’s my chick. We’ve been together for...
Nikki: Justin, would you stop touching my butt!!!
That’s for later, not now! (everyone
looks at Nikki) What? Go on, AJ. What were you
saying?
AJ: Um, I was saying that I’ve been dating Melissa
for 2 years.
Nikki: And how do you feel about the fact that she’s
sleeping with JC?
AJ: Well, I think JC needs to leave my woman alone!
JC: Whatever, man. Your woman came to me. If she’s
givin’ it, then I’m receivin’ it.
AJ: WHAT!!!!!
Melissa: By the way, AJ, you don’t have a license.
How did you get here?
AJ: How do you think? My mom drove me.
JC: (laughing) Hey, man, at least I have a car. In
fact, your girlfriend and I have had
sex in it mass times.
(AJ attacks JC. Bodyguard breaks it up. Nikki is making out with Justin...again. Announcer tells her to pay attention)
Nikki: And we’re back from our break!
Announcer: Once again, that wasn’t a break.
Nikki: Well, then I think it’s time we took one!
Well, anyway. After we get from break,
which we will be taking in two minutes. Bring it
back. Oh, by the way, Melissa, you’re
pregnant, and we’ll have the results of the paternity
test when we get back! (Melissa
looks shocked)
AJ: And it better be mine!
JC: And it better not be mine!
(goes to commerical)
(When commercial is over, we see Nikki and Justin making out, Britney is still ugly-crying, JC and AJ are fighting in the floor, and Melissa and Angie have each other in headlocks screaming, “Let me go!” “No, you let me go!”)
(Nikki is now talking to an audience member about the
fights onstage. One of the
audience members tell her that they’re back from
break.)
Nikki: What? We’re back?! What doesn’t someone cue
me, for God’s sake!?! Where
are those test results? (Producer hands her an
envelope. She opens it.) Well, Melissa.
It seems that we’ve had a small.....error....with your
test results. We definetly know that
JC is not the father.
AJ: Then I’m the father!!
Nikki: Now, did I say that? Slow your roll, man,
slow your roll. It seems that you and
the third canidate....
AJ: Third!!!
Melissa: Uh-oh.
Nikki: AS I WAS SAYING BEFORE I WAS SO RUDELY
INTERUPTED, AJ, you
and the third canidate seem to have the same genetic
make-up. (doorbell rings) Gee, I
wonder who that could be.
(J from 5ive comes down the stairs and sits down)
J: Hey, y’all.
(AJ’s mom, Denise, recognizes J and stands up)
Denise: That’s my son!!!
AJ: Mom, I know I’m your son!
Denise: No, AJ. J is also my son!
Nikki: Yes, that’s correct!!!!
(AJ looks confused)
Nikki: Well, it would seem that Melissa has not only
been sleeping with JC and AJ, now
she’s sleeping with AJ’s brother, J!!
J: Yup.
AJ: Mom, what do you mean, he’s your son?
Nikki: AJ, stop whining. Now, back to the paternity
test. The father of Melissa’s baby
is....NO ONE>?! She’s not the one who’s pregnant?
(Everyone acts confused. Britney stops crying cos she’s confused.)
Nikki: Wait a second. Hey, Mr. Producer Man. (looks
up and around) Wherever you
are, can you tell me something?
Announcer: What, Nikki?
Nikki: What are these little numbers on the bottom of
my cards for? Are they to keep
‘em in order or somethin’?
Announcer: Yes, Nikki.
Nikki: OK, then, cos I need a minute to sitimuate.
(has audience member put cards in
order)
(Nikki is on top of Justin and they’re making out. A fight errupts onstage.)
AJ: Man, you slept with my brother!
Melissa: I didn’t know he was your brother!! But
that would explain some of the
similarities.
(cards are finally in order and audience member keeps trying to tell her. Surprised, Nikki swings around, “accidently” letting go of the microphone, which hits Britney in the head. She falls off of her chair, unconcious. Lance from *N Sync appears from the audience.)
Lance: Britney!!!! OMIGOD!!! (runs up to Britney to see if she’s OK. Melissa, AJ, JC, and Angie stop arguing and look at Britney. Seeing that she’s unconcious, they turn back to their fighting.)
(Lance’s girlfriend Danielle (Topanga from ‘Boy Meets World’) appears from the bathroom. Seeing Lance consoling Britney, and runs up to the stage)
Danielle: Lance, what are you doing?
Lance: Nikki hit Britney in the head with the
microphone, and I was making sure she was
okay.
Danielle: Why? Don’t touch that slut! I saw her
having sex with your horse last night.
(REMINDER: this is FICTIONAL....VERY FICTIONAL!!!)
Lance: TOBY, NOOOOOO!!!!
Britney: I would never do that!!
Nikki: Um, I think I should just say that we finally
found out who’s pregnant! (To
Justin) Get your hand out from underneath my skirt!
Button my bra back! Sorry, back
to what I was saying. Britney Skank--I mean,
Spears--is pregnant.
Britney: (jumps up) Yes, and it’s Justin’s!!
Justin: Nu-uh!! I told you I didn’t touch it. Nah,
y’all, nah, y’all.
Nikki: Speaking of which, Britney, I have your lie
detector test.
Britney: What test? I’m not very good at tests!!! I
didn’t study!!!!!!
Nikki: You idiot! You already took the test!
Remember when they hooked you up to
the machines?
Britney: Huh? I thought that was foreplay before we,
like, had sex, which we did! I
thought when the little needle moved that that was my
orgasm!
Nikki: You’re about the dumbest, aren’t you? Anyway,
we asked Britney a series of 4
questions. Number one: We asked you if your breasts
were fake....
Britney: But I already said they were!
Nikki: Shut up! Back to the questions. Like i was
saying , Britney’s breasts are as fake
as singing talents, ta huh.
Danielle: (jumps up like she recognizes Britney) Dr.
Parker?? (Britney nods) Me too!!!
Nikki: Next question, Did you you sleep with Justin?
Britney: Yes I did!
Nikki: Listen, skank! You are about 2 seconds away
from me knocking you into next
week. AS I WAS SAYING, Britney did not sleep with
Justin. YES!!!! Well, I guess we
know the answer to our next question. Justin is not
the father of her skanky baby. Our
third question was: Did you have sex with Toby the
horse? You failed on that one. You
DID have sex with him!
Lance: Toby,noooo! Why?? (sobbing uncontrollably)
Nikki: Lance, would you stop that blubbering. Be a
man! She only had sex with your
horse!
Britney: But I also slept with Lance!
Nikki: Yes, you did! Cos he’s the father of your
baby! Now I think that Lance, Danielle,
and Britney should meet with our staff psychologist
and work out these problems. Britney
has a horse fetish, Lance is a crier, and Danielle
wants to kill both of them. This cannot be
good for the baby. (they go backstage) Back to
Melissa, J, AJ.....the rest of our panel!
Melissa: It’s about time!
Nikki: You shut up! We had more important issues.
Like the horse thing. But time for
the most important question of the day: Melissa, who
are you going home with? Will it
be JC...
Angie: Better not be!
JC: It better be!
Nikki: Shush! Will it be AJ?
AJ: It better be!
JC: Now why would she want you when she could have
me?
AJ: Why would she want you? Look at you and your
little bitty shoe. You know the
myth. If the shoe fits.....
Nikki: Or will it be J?
J: Whatever.
Nikki: So, Melissa?
Melissa: Well, I’m going home with.....
(Before she can answer, Nick busts in on a Schwin bicycle.)
Nikki: Nick! What are you doing? She was just about
to tell us who she’s....
Nick: You’re making out with Justin!
Nikki: Of course! He’s my new boyfriend.
Nick: But what about me!
Nikki: Didn’t you get my page?
(Nick’s pager starts going off and he reads the message out loud.)
Nick: “Nick, Sorry, but you’re kicked to the curb!
Call me and we’ll do something
Saturday. We can still be friends and have sex
occassionally, right? Love ya, bye!” What
was all that, Nikki???
Nikki: Um.....
Justin: She doesn’t want a boy with a bike, she wants
a man with a Mercedes.
Nick: Hey, a Schwin is the best you can get!!!!
Nikki: I don’t need a car! I’ve got one! Hey,
Producer Guy!!!! Where are you! Get
out here!
(Superman theme starts playing. Everyone stands up.)
Audience: It’s a bird, it’s a plane!!! It’s
Super----
Justin: Naaaaah, y’all, that’s Joey!
Nikki: Joey, you’re my producer?
Joey: Of course, I’m Joey!
(doorbell rings)
Nikki: Who is that!!! Melissa, got anymore back
there?
Melissa: Nah, that ain’t me this time!
(door opens and Chris from *N Sync,and Kevin, Howie, and Brian from the BSB are at the door)
Chris: Are we late? What’d we miss?
Nikki: Why are you here?
Howie: Everyone else was!
Nikki: OK, allow me to recap. What had happened
was...(talking really fast) Britney
had a secret crush on Justin and said she was pregnant
by him. Breathe. He said she was
a liar, he had a crush on me, I broke up with Nick,
and we’re together now. Breathe.
Angela accused Melissa of sleeping with JC, which she
was, but she was also sleeping
with AJ and J, we’re sure there’s more, but there’s no
time for that today. Breathe. Now
AJ and J are brothers. (Joey hands Nikki an update
card. She reads it and throws it
aside) And now it appears that Lance is also their
brother, but anyway, Britney was really
the pregnant one, who slept with Toby horse, Lance,
and our lie detector, but we’re still
waiting for those results. Breathe. I accidently
knocked out Britney with my mike while I
was making out with Justin like we’ve been doing
throughout the whole show, but that’s
irrelivant, so bring it back. Breathe. Danielle, who
is Lance’s girlfriend (gets another
update card) and apparently Danielle is also Britney’s
sister. Breathe. Danielle
recognized Britney from their plastic surgeon’s
office, where they both got fake breasts.
Now Britney, Lance, and Danielle are backstage where
we are now going for an update.
BACKSTAGE.........
(Lance is crying)
Danielle: Stop that crying!!! I am now an aunt or
whatever to your ghetto baby!!! Shut
up!!! Stop crying!!!! You wimp!!! Be a man!!!!!
Lance: Why do you always have to be yelling at me and
calling me names? You are
lowering my self-esteem. MOMMY!!!
(councelor has Britney in a headlock)
Britney: Stop, you’re gonna pop my implants!!!!!!
Councelor: (smacking her in the head) I told you to stop having sex with farm animals. This is not Louisiana!!!
BACK TO NIKKI........
Nikki: OK, well, that was interesting. It’s time for a Nikki Moment (think Springer’s Final Thought). (she walks past the panel, where everyone is fighting, and then Chris yells “*N Sync versus the Backstreet Boys!!!”) Hey, that’s next time, y’all!!!!! Anyway, I would just like to end this show by saying, everyone cheats. But don’t be like our guests. Don’t cheat with someone famous. They always find out. Also, don’t have sex with farm animals, or any other animals for that matter. Not only is that kinky, it’s just weird. But if you are considering it, or are currently in a relationship with a farm animal, you could be a guest!!! Just call 1-800-Sca-ndel. And if you’d like to buy a copy of today’s show “Too Hot For Commercials,” just call 1-800-Sca-ndel. For $49.95, you can own today’s show. That’s all for today. And remember, if these people remind you of your family, call me, and you could be a guest. The number is 1-800-Sca-ndel. Once again, that’s 1-800-Sca-ndel. And for all you slow people like Britney Spears, that’s S-C-A-N-D-E-L. Thank you, and I’m gonna go have sex now. Justin, come. And Nick, you cannot park your Schwin in my garage anymore. And that goes for your bike as well.
(The Nikki Show theme song)
(Show fades out as everyone is still fighting onstage.)